2011 Game Awards

This year has been an important one in gaming. A year full of sequels, prequels, reboots and some true gaming gems. While the triple- A titles have battled for supremacy, the indie developers have seized the opportunity to release some truly incredible games, and so we start off this "awards" ceremony with an award I like to call "The Underdog". Disclaimer - I am only including games that I myself have played. All awards are my own opinion, you are entitled to disagree to your heart's content. All games are PC unless otherwise specified.

The Underdog - best 'indie' game
Nominees:

• Bastion - Supergiant Games
• The Binding of Isaac - Edmund McMillen/Florian Himsl
• Trine 2 - Frozenbyte
• Hard Reset - Flying Wild Hog
• Hydrophobia: Prophecy - Dark Energy Digital

While I'm sure there are about a billion more 'indie' game released this year, these were the 5 I played that really stood out, and choosing between them has been nigh impossible. Hydrophobia: Prophecy, a re-released version of 2010's moderately successful Hydrophobia, impressed with it's visuals, impressive water physics and water-based puzzles, but was let down but an uninteresting story and weak shooting. The Binding of Isaac, by half of Super Meat Boy's Team Meat, was a real treat this year. A combination of retro-roguelike dungeon-crawling, with McMillen's dark, twisted sense of humour and top-down shooter style combat, it was ultimately Isaac's randomness that let it down. To much of the game relies on luck over skill and some bosses and enemies are unbalanced. Hard Reset, developed by developmental super-team Flying Wild Hog - a combination of People Can Fly, CD Project RED and City Interactive, snuck in this year. Announced mere weeks before it's release, Hard Reset impressed with a powerful, in-house game engine, old-school shooter sensibilities and impressive difficulty. It was ultimately let down by repetitive combat, cramped quarters and criminal under use of it's interesting cyber-punk, dystopian setting. The winner of this award ultimately came down to a coin toss between Trine 2 and Bastion, with Bastion winning in the end. Trine 2 is a truly gorgeous, remarkable 2.5D puzzle-platformer, with infinite personality and charm. And Claudia black, which is almost an instant win in my book. Sadly, it's let down by it's tacked-on combat but just ruins the flow of gameplay and only serves to distract from it's strength - the puzzles. Bastion, the almost flawless gem from first-time developers Supergiant Game, represents one of the best arguments for games as art since ICO or LIMBO. From it's unique narration mechanic, to it's wonderful art-style and divergent hack'n'slash gameplay, Bastion managed to present something truly unique. And it's ending remains one of the most beautiful, poignant moments I've ever experienced in a game. Not to mention the incredible soundtrack, masterfully weaved into the game world. No one could forget Zia's song, urging you; or Zulf's lament for a home and people destroyed by fear and arrogance. For creating an experience that stays with you long after you finish, and for exceeding above and beyond many of the triple-A titles this year, Bastion is the well deserved winner of The Underdog award for best 'indie' game.

Boom, Headshot - best shooter
Nominees:

• Crysis 2 - Crytek
• Bulletstorm - People Can Fly/Epic Games
• Deus Ex: Human Revolution - Eidos Montreal
• Battlefield 3 - DICE
• RAGE - id
• Saints Row: The Third - Volition

While this year has definitely been the shooter season, I ave grown tired of shooters, of both the First and Third-Person perspective and as such, have played very few. I cannot tell you whether MW3 beats BF3's face into the dirt, nor do  really care. There were really only two shooters this year that stood out for me high above the rest. The first is Crysis 2. Taking almost all of what made the first game fun, and mixing in an intriguing trans-humanism//alien-invasion story and changing the setting from jungle to New York, Crysis 2 further proved with Crytek is one of the most respected FPS developers. Sadly the experience was mired by too much linearity, glaring omission of a quicksave feature, dodgy enemy AI and atrocious PC support. While I refuse to contribute to the debate between console and PC, I still refuse to pay top-dollar for a dodgy port on my system - be it console port to PC, or PC port to console. Especially from a primarily PC-exclusive developer. DICE managed to avoid this problem, providing a mostly solid pC experience, but stuffing it up with the compulsory use of EA's Origin (a controversy all to itself), and the clumsy Battlelog system. The game itself disappointed with an atrocious single-player, and a surprisingly buggy multiplayer. Still, no one can deny that DICE still rules the online arena, if that is your thing, and the mix of vehicular and foot-soldier combat is still unique and thrilling. Bulletstorm had so much incredible potential - helmed by Painkiller's People Can Fly and a fuck-it-all attitude, Bulletstorm ultimately failed by relying to much on Epic Games. While it pushed the Unreal engine into incredible territories (it remains probably the best looking game on that engine), it felt too torn between two identities - the serious, machismo two-weapons cover-based Epic game, and the crazy, over-the-top humour and weapons People Can Fly game. RAGE stood out strong as well, helmed by the creators of the FPS, id. And while no on will deny how gorgeous idtech 5 is, it's bug laden release that saw a large majority of games on PC unplayable and McCormic's continual mocking and humiliation of the PC crowd stirred much controversy for the once kings of the genre. The game itself was good, maybe even great, with a fun combination of third-person vehicle racing and combat with first person shooting, and the ability to carry an infinite arsenal was a fun return to form, but overall, it felt to stuck in its old ways and played to similar to previous id games to really stand out. And while Eidos' Deus Ex delivered on nearly all it promised, it was ultimately the shooting that let it down. Weapons felt clumsy and underpowered, and the protagonist simply couldn't survive a gunfight with a half decent enemy. Throw in hopelessly outdated bossfights, and the 'shooter' part of Deus Ex is a disappointing offering. So the winner of the Boom, Headshot award for best shooter goes, unanimously, to Saints Row: The Third which brings the fun back into, not only shooters, but games in general. With the attitude of why be serious, when you can be fun, Volition gives the player access to a ridiculous arsenal, including laser-guided missiles, MegaMan's rocket blaster, a gun that shoots mind-controlling octopuses and many, many, many more.

Obligatory Dragon - best RPG
Nominees:

• The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Bethesda Game Studios
• The Witcher 2: Assassin of Kings - CD Project RED
• Dragon Age 2 - Bioware
• Dark Souls - From Software (PS3)
• Deus Ex: Human Revolution - Eidos Montreal

This has really been an RPG year for me, as anyone who knows me will tell you. It started off with Dragon Age 2. While most complained about the more streamlined approach of the sequel, I loved the characters, the story and the new fast-paced combat. I loved how my character now had a voice, I loved how if I was sarcastic in my conversation responses, it would alter my characters personality in uncontrolled conversation. I loved how it tied in with the first game, further building the mythology over many years. I loved how it treated relationships as more than just sex. I didn't enjoy the recycled locations. I didn't enjoy the uninteresting bossfights. Still, both Mark of the Assassin and Legacy provided further refinements and new characters and locations, hinting at just how incredible Dragon Age 3 might be. And please Bioware, for the love of God, bring back Tallis. Next, there was The Witcher 2. Seemingly lightyears above CD Project RED's previous Witcher game, which relied on Bioware's ageing engine and questionable combat mechanics, but still impressed with it's story, The Witcher 2 presented one of the greatest Action-RPG experiences ever. Moving into a third-person perspective, pulling you in close to truly marvel at CD Project's incredible RED Engine; The Witcher 2 drew you into it's world with it's visuals, tight, challenging combat, deep moral choices and a story that truly made you fee like you had an impact on the world around you. Every single mission, even the usual inconsequential fetch quests felt like an important part of the story and often left you in cloudy moral grey areas. Then there was Human Revolution, a prequel to the incredible Deus Ex, that did so much right, but somehow failed to capture what made the original so special. Still, it almost rivalled The Witcher 2 in it's deepness, and it's "play how you want" mechanics were refreshing. And of course, who could look past Skyrim, a game I'm still playing, 120 hours in. Improving just about everything over the previous entries, Skyrim provided just about the best open-dowhatyouwant-penandpaper RPG you can find. With innumerable quests and an epic, interesting main story line, Skyrim was all set to win this award, until I stumble into the true winner. And the surprise winner of the Obligatory Dragon, thus named as every single game on this list, bar Deus Ex, contains at least one - goes to Dark Souls. While I had played From's first dark-fantasy brutal action-RPG Demon's Souls, it had lost me with it's seemingly insurmountable difficulty. It broke me, it's fair to say. However, I loved the combat and the unique world it created, so when I was feeling like a break from Skyrim, I found a copy on sale at my local game store and threw it in. And despite the fact that it kicks my arse over and over again, I've fallen in love. Unexplainable, deep, immovable love. And so, Dark Souls is really the winner. Hands down.

Sandcastles in the Sand - best Sandbox
Nominees:

• Saints Row: The Third - Volition
• Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Bethesda
• RAGE - id
• Batman: Arkham City - Rocksteady
• Dark Souls - From Software
• LA: Noire - Team Bondi/Rockstar

There's also been a fair helping of Open-World or Sandbox style games this year, especially outside the usual RPG offerings. Out of all, Rage is probably the most criminally underused, with literally nothing to do outside the main towns except drive around and engage in vehicle combat. There's nothing to explore or discover that the main story won't take you to anyway. LA:Noire also felt like an necessary sandbox. It reminded me of Mafia, in that all the driving about the world sections could easily have been skipped entirely and there was literally nothing to find out there. Not even collectibles, for God's sake. Batman: Arkham City did much better, successfully expanding Batman from inside the Asylum grounds to inside an entire city, but suffered from the opposite problem of that there was just far too much too do. It missed Asylum's pacing and sense of progression, instead boggling the mind with an over-abundance of collectibles so it feels like you're never making any progress towards the final goal. I did enjoy how each criminal had a specific section and how it really felt like Gotham City, though. That was fantastic. And gliding around as Batman, stalking the rooftops, never really got old. Dark Souls proved you could have claustrophobia even in the most open of worlds, with fantastic level design through shortcuts and looping pathways, all linked by bonfires. It really succeeds at drawing you into the world and making it feel like a real place, and discovering new shortcuts and hidden secrets never gets old. Volition provides an almost endless amount of stuff to do in Saints Row, but the city itself is lifeless and uninteresting. I could drive through the same spot time and time again and not realise it. There's just no sense of place or interest in the world. In the end, the award goes deservedly to Skyrim, for crafting an incredibly huge world, and managing to fill it with over 150 hand crafted dungeons, secrets, quests, treasures and just incredible places to explore. Each place feel wondrous and amazing, even hours and hours in. And you never knew when you'll stumble on a dragon, or an interesting NPC, or a treasure chest. NO other game gives you so much reason to just go out and explore. Sandcastles in the Sand indeed, Bethesda.

The Call of the Wild - best adventure game
Nominees:

• Batman: Arkham City - Rocksteady  (PS3)
• Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception - Naughty Dog  (PS3)
• LA: Noire - Team Bondi (PS3)
• Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword - Nintendo (Wii)

I have to be honest, of the four nominees I have not played Skyward Sword. However, I ave watched my sister play it and look forward to playing it myself when she's done. It's seems to have improved and evolved far from Ocarina of Time's legacy and stands proud on it's own. Sadly, it still suffers from a lack of voice acting, lengthy, unskippable walls of texts and a lot of trekking back and forth. LA: Noire was one of the games I was most excited for this year. It seemed to combine my two big loves: Film Noire and detective fiction. However, what it presented was a disappointing mess of dodgy mechanics and hand holding. While the facial animation was indeed spectacular, the game was so rigidly linear they may as well have not used it. Batman: Arkham City was an almost flawless game, building on it's already beyond reproach debut and expanding the local and cast, truly pushing Batman, and the player, to their limit. The combat system was tweaked and perfected and flying around the city as Batman never gets old. Never has a company made the player fel so much like their character as the Arkham series has. Sadly, Arkham City suffered from an overstuffing of everything, to the point it became a complete overload. No one will deny it is an incredible and must play game, but it loses the sense of intense pacing and focus the first game had, instead giving us a Batman overload. So The Call of the Wild award goes, somewhat fittingly, to Uncharted 3, the crowning jewel in this incredible series. With incredible graphics, satisfying and diverse gameplay, and a story that took the characters to a dark and personal place, whilst also paying homage to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Uncharted 3 felt like Naughty Dog at the top of their game. Their astute eye for minute detail fills the entire game, it has a level of polish almost unseen these days. Not to mention an extraordinary performance by the voice cast, all at the top of their game, and a moving score by Greg Edmonson (of Firefly fame). If only every developer had the level of dedication and professionalism of Naughty Dog, imagine the calibre of games we would see.

Mind = Blown - best puzzle game
Nominees:

• Portal 2 - Valve
• Trine 2 - Frozenbyte
• Catherine - Atlus (PS3)

I kinda hate puzzle games. I'm really bad at them. So it's got to look damn good for me to even want to play it, and their were three games this year that did that for me. I spoke about Trine 2 earlier in the indie category and probably the only reason it isn't the winner here is because there's often too much getting in the way of puzzling, which is a mortal sin for a puzzle game. If I'm really struggling to wrap my head around a puzzle, the last thing I want is to be interrupted with dodgy combat. It doesn't do it often, but when it does, it drives me mad. However, the physics based puzzles are damn fun and mind-bending at times. The same with Portal 2, the follow up to Valve's surprise hit Portal. Released by a small team as a little filler on the Orange Box, Portal wowed with it's unique puzzles and, of course, GLaDOS. The sequel, developed by all of Valve this time, expanded on everything: more puzzles, more GLaDOS, more Steven Melchett, more comedy, more mind melt, more JK Simmons. And lemons. And Nolan North. Sadly, being a sequel, it didn't have the revelatory sense of originality of it's predecessor, and therefore could not snag the award from Catherine. Ah, Catherine. How you teased me, how you pained me, how you kicked me to the ground then kissed my wounds better. This is not a game you can describe in words the wonder of it. Part block-puzzler, part dating-sim, part fucked-up anime, Catherine truly is a sum of all its part. A frightfully original, devious, erotic, challenging and rewarding experience from Persona's Atlus, Catherine win's the Mind = Blown award - hands down. Seriously, play this damn game. Do it.

Afterfall: Insanity Gameplay Preview

I'm figuring by now, quite a few people have heard of this little indie action/horror game thanks to it's surprisingly clever "$1 pre-order" marketing scheme. I got a chance to play the demo today, and, to be honest, I'm a little concerned.

Insanity puts you in the shoes of Dr. Tokaj (pronounced tokay) a psychiatrist/pharmacologist. See, Afterfall takes place in an alternate present where a fusion bomb was detonated during WWII that all but obliterated human life, save a lucky few who were fortunate enough to be part of the "Afterfall" initiative, a secret Polish project involving the usual bomb shelter/vault/end of days who-ha. Seems all is not perfect within these shelters though, thanks to Containment Syndrome, a kind of "cabin fever", or maybe a virus. To be honest, the set up in the demo was really thin so I'm making a lot of conjecture here as the whole Containment Cyndrome thing plays pretty strongly into the overall mystery. So Tokaj is is the usual smart-ass, reckless yet roguishly charming hero whose troubles with authority land him in various vats of hot water. The most recent, being sent down into the sub-levels to investigate "behaviour problems" cause by a suspected "chemical leak". You quickly find out the "behavioural problems" is bigdogspeak for "bat-shit crazy" as your little scouting party is attacked by a bunch of, well, bat-shit crazy people. Here you get your first taste of Afterfall's combat, a hybrid melee/shooter, with a heavy focus on caving dudes skulls in with whatever you can get your hands on. Melee combat is satisfyingly heavy, especially with the bigger fireaxes and hammers and the like. Choosing a smaller weapon like a crowbar does less damage, but allows you to work in a  basic combo system. Deaths are satisfyingly gory as well. Combat is aided by a lock-on system that seemed to perform alright with one or two enemies at a time but became rather finicky when facing three or four. Better to just "spray and pay". Guns are sparse and suitably powerful but for the most part, in the demo at least, the focus seemed to be very much on getting up close and personal. Unfortunately, two problems arise here. Firstly, there is just way too many weapons available. Whether this is just a demo thing, I don't know, but there was at least one fireaxe in every room and no end to things that can be used to cave in skulls, which kind of weakens the "survival" feel. As does the fact that enemies, on the normal difficulty (the only one available in demo) do such insignificant damage they feel more of an inconvenience than anything. I didn't even realise there was a block till I stumbled on it by accident and never had to use it. Oh, and the controls are rather badly explained, too. Like the fact that you can climb and crouch contextually. I spent ages running around because I thought I was limited to horizontal plane like most Unreal games. Speaking of Unreal, the game uses it well, it looks great and runs butter smooth. Aesthetically it was a little too close to dead Space for my liking, though the later section when you get outside provided a nice, if stereotypical, post-apocalyptic world vista. Also, before I forget, regenerating health in survival horror? Really? You can't really justify that, can you?

Another key gameplay feature is Tokaj's fear levels, which increase as he becomes more afraid, blurring and distorting your vision and affecting your performance. I really liked this, reminded me of Amnesia. The trailers have hinted at Tokaj's decaying mental state (a mechanic sadly absent from the demo) and I really hope there is a strong focus on this, and not just the more throwaway feel of Dead Space 2 where it was almost always painfully obvious what was real or not.

Afterfall sems to suffer from an identity crisis. The tone is very hit and miss, and throughout the demo, it really struggled to maintain a consistent atmosphere. It's not creepy or scary or anything really. The second section of the demo, which takes place later in the game, managed a great atmosphere, even when it opened up from the tight corridors into the outdoors, but a completely out of place "giant boss" and a lighter section where you drop a container on top of enemies really threw me, tone wise. Are you Alien or Aliens, Aftefall? You really need to decide. Are you trying to scare me, or giving me free reign to carve out justice in monster faces? I just don't know.

Afterfall's one real big let down is audio, the most crucial part of any horror experience. Hopefully these are all demo related bugs, but I experienced crackling, cut-out, bad mixing, bad-syncing and the music was way too quite throughout. On the subject of music, it's of surprisingly good quality, though it hardly has the necessary effect when it's so low in the mix. Ambient sound effects were mostly effective, the usual array of footsteps, moans and groans, but seemed to just trigger at random, or only before confrontation, lessening the tension. Voice acting is also incredibly hit and miss, though that is to be expected of a localised game. Or what I presume is dubbing. God, I hope it's dubbing. And that's all I have to say about that.

EDIT: It appears the audio problems were with my speakers, not the game. My points about the voice acting still remain, though.

As I said at the start, Afterfall's demo has left me concerned. With it's release mere weeks away, there is little time to fix some of the more glaring issues. Still, I did enjoy my time and for an indie game with triple-A ambition, it is surprisingly decent. I already preordered so I can only hope my concern is misplaced and the final product is a flawed but enjoyable experience. But seriously guys, what's with the giant boss battle? And the regenerating health? Just because some big triple-A guys jumped off the cliff, doesn't mean you have to. That is all.

Guest Review Time (ft. Cheryl Billman)

Yes that's right probably-imaginary readers, it's that time again. Time for someone with more balls and skills than me to tear apart movies no one in their right mind should have ever seen in the first place. So sit back and enjoy today's special:

A Review of 'Monte Carlo'

or 'Lizzie McQuire 2: The Disney Channel's Revenge'

I'm going to start out this review by saying that I'm reasonably confident the writer never really "wrote" this movie. 

Instead, he dropped some serious fucking acid, started tripping balls, maybe did a few lines of coke and drank a bottle of wine to "calm the fuck down" and then sat in front of his tv, Macbook in his lap, and watched the Disney Channel for 34 hours straight until he could feel his feet again. At that point he probably collapsed into bed, woke up 12 hours later with no recollection of what had happened, ate a toasted sandwich and then stumbled across a fully type-written script with the words "Selena fucking Gomez in: 'Monte Carlo'" scrawled across the top.

To be honest with you, I need to cling to this belief. If I want to retain any faith in humanity, I need to believe that this is the only scenario in which movies like 'Monte Carlo' and 'Lizzie McQuire' could possibly spring forth, infecting the world (and tweens) with their shit morals and cringe-enducing monologues. I also need to believe that everyone involved in the making of this film became involved in exchange for mass quantities of strippers and blow. Even Selena fucking Gomez. (Apparently she has a drug problem now?)

'Monte Carlo' is the somewhat cautionary tale of a recent high school graduate/country bumpkin who wastes her life savings on a trip to Paris, despite the fact that she'll be starting at NYU in the fall. (Apparently no one has ever divulged the world's greatest secrets to her: Paris is somewhere you go with you partner, not your best friend, and New York is fucking expensive, so save your coin for a rainier day.) To be completely honest with you, this character isn't terribly memorable. I don't remember her name. What I do remember is that she was shoddily portrayed (by Selena fucking Gomez). She travels with her equally immemorable best friend (Katie Cassidy) and her step-sister, Meg (Leighton Meester) - the latter being the only character in the entire fucking movie with something sort of resembling dimension.

Selena fucking Gomez and her friends are having the worst vacation ever until it transpires that Selena fucking Gomez is a doppelganger for a bratty British celebutante. She is then mistaken for said celebutante, impersonates her socialite sister-from-another-mister, and goes on an all-expenses-paid trip to Monte Carlo full of girlish bonding, romance, and HELPING DISADVANTAGED EASTERN EUROPEAN CHILDREN.

The moral of the story - and I won't give away too much of the, erm, plot, here - is that fraud is ok and when you're caught there will be no legal ramifications... SO LONG AS YOU HELP THE CHILDREN.

And say your please's and thank you's. And provided you don't have sex before marriage (or at least "I love you"), you'll be ok.

Oh, Disney.

Oh, capitalism.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I sort of stopped paying attention halfway through the movie because the "plot" is very convuluted, and also I abhor cliche, so trying to keep up with the plot (and also keep my popcorn down) became too difficult. And I watched the Disney Channel growing up, so if there's one thing I know, it's this: The moment things get difficult, you should give up. It's not worth it. Instead, I stopped listening and started looking instead (another lesson Disney taught me) and couldn't help be struck by how pretty everything and everyone in this movie is. It's like looking into the fucking sun for a prolonged period of time. 

It's like going back to university in your 30's. 

Oh, you think our university's are inundated with mature-age students because they want to upskill? Fuck no. They're there to perv, and nurse the hope that they might still get some twenty-something tail.

Let me preface the remainder of this review by noting that I didn't expect much from this movie. I went into this with a heavy heart, knowing that unless the three female leads got naked and started touching each other inappropriately this movie was guaranteed to suck. I mean, let's face it: they managed to cram the entire movie's plot into the three-minute long trailer, so this is sure to be a saccharine sop-fest where the attractive female lead mopes around about how difficult her life has become and how hard it is to manage all of her self-created problems while her sassy friends encourage her to chase after an equally pretty, just as vapid lead male, as happens in every OTHER movie targeting the tween demographic.

Straight up fucking doomed. 

Except in this case there's three female leads, and all of them are moping around like their fucking cycles are synchronised in some cruel, hellish twist of fate, and they're all chasing their pretty boy of choice and falling in love and making commitments to people they've just met and know nothing about like it's 1951 and nobody has casual sex anymore. YOU CAN HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH PEOPLE YOU'VE JUST MET. You don't need to run around saying "I love you" 58 minutes into the movie, LEIGHTON MEESTER.

And while I'm on the subject of the cast, let's really talk about it. 

Talk about it in what context, you ask? Talk about the fact that it's a mortifying shit storm of lackluster talent. It's Amalgamated Talentless Hack Inc. It's a hurricane of fuckwittery. This is the kind of acting that even the most grizzly, seasoned high school drama teacher would flinch at.

I mean, there's Finn Hudson from Glee - you know, that dude who's getting kind of chubby and can't sing or dance but still got cast as the lead male in a show about singing and dancing - and a girl with a bit of a dodgy Texan accent who I think was in Gossip Girl for a bit who I don't actually hate but who has thighs that remind me of toothpicks, and Leighton Meester (who I would not hesitate to go lesbian for... not even for a second) and then, finally, Selena fucking Gomez. 

As in, the girl who's dating Justin Bieber. 

I don't trust her judgement in sexual (or "non-sexual", whatever) partners, and I sure as fuck don't trust her taste in scripts. 

Whoever's behind this movie made a seriously fucking dubious casting choice picking Selena fucking Gomez as a vehicle for this behemoth of mediocrity over some other pre-packaged Disney starlet like, say, Taylor Swift. What I really don't understand - and this isn't even necessarily a huge plot point, but the mind STILL boggles - is why movie producers expect me to believe that Selena fucking Gomez could possibly be unpopular in high school. 

Yes, faceless movie mogul - I truly believe that she was walking around her highschool's hallways, totally anonymous. I genuinely believe not once did she come up in the boy's locker room; absolutely no discussion about how they would not hesitate to stuff Selena's locker, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. About how nameless and faceless and alone and bookish and sad she was in high school. After all, she's no beauty queen. She's just "beautiful me". 

I feel like the mere act of portraying Selena fucking Gomez as someone who isn't hot is more damaging to my self-esteem than the fact that someone who looks like Selena Gomez actually exists. 

If Selena Gomez wasn't hot, she wouldn't be in this movie. That's the God's honest truth. Because after watching this shit for an hour and too many minutes, I can tell you with absolute certainty and unprecedented clarity that Selena fucking Gomez can't act for shit. There are so many scenes that are emotional in ways that shouldn't emotional; the kind that make you feel a little bit queasy just to watch them. Key lines include: "I'm sorry that I ever thought I was the kind of person who could come to Paris." 

Bitch, you should be. 'Cause now I have to sit through a movie about it.

So I could have summed this movie up by saying it's poorly written and not terribly realistic, and some of the acting is pretty camp and they obviously spent a lot more time on the shitty soundtrack (heavily laden as it is with pop songs and weird 1980's French jazz music) than they did perfecting Selena fucking Gomez's "British" lilt. (Her accent in this is utterly fucking offensive.) But let's face it... I paid good money to sit through this abomination. I've earnt the right to complain about it to anyone who'll listen. (Or read, as it were.)

Instead, I'm going to sum this movie up by saying it's kind of like theme park food. It's like eating nothing but fairy floss and hot dogs all day long: it's bareable but a part of you is still pretty worried about whether or not you're going to have a heart attack and how little nutrition you've actually gained from your fare. You're not really hungry, but you feel like maybe you could eat something, and so you make the concious choice to chow down on a Churro because "fuck, I secretly really love Churro's" - just like "fuck, I secretly love chick flicks aimed at teenage girls..." - but when you're finished, it'll leave you feeling queasy and strangely empty. 

It's like going home with a girl who's kind of slutty and won't stop nibbling your ear and shit in the middle of the bar, but then you pay for the cab and you get her home and you're keen to smash but you suddenly realise that she's a dead starfish. The sex that you would have with that girl is kind of what it feels like to sit in a theatre and watch this movie.

Don't go see this movie. Don't rent it on DVD. In fact, don't go see any movie/rent any DVD that stars anyone from this movie. 

(Except Leighton Meester. I adore her. She's witty and darling. She has really dewy skin and shiny hair that curls perfectly and she's all doe-eyed, and I just want to crawl inside of her body and become her. I love her voice, too... it does things to me. And she speaks French in this movie.)

I give this a rating of 2.5/5. I'll probably watch this again some time when I'm hungover and it'll make me feel better about my life.

Remembering Battlefield: Bad Company 2

Taking part in the Battlefield 3 beta has got me thinking lately about my time spent with Bad Company 2 and the affect it had on my gaming. Prior to Bad Company, I hadn't really ever been into multiplayer shooters, my twitch gaming skills were all but non-existent and I still am lucky to play most shooters on anything above normal. I had spent quite a bit of time with FEAR's multiplayer and enjoyed it, mainly thanks to getting together with an aussie group online that took me under their wing and taught me the ropes. Killzone 2 caught my attention with it's evolving objectives and less twitch based gaming, then really got it's hooks in me with it's class and team-based focus. It was my time spent with Killzone that convinced me that I should give Bad Company a try. I'd played Batlefield 2 before this and hadn't really gotten into it. I liked what it was trying to do, but found it hard to get into and glitchy. Still I went into Bad Company hopeful. Stagnant and awful single-player aside, I really enjoyed my time with the game. The multi-player was something I'd never experienced and I loved the different modes and focus on team work and objectives over K/D ratios and constant slaughter. I relished as a medic, raking in points healing and reviving my squad, as well as defending and completing objectives. Finally, here was a game that didn't care I couldn't shoot for shit and let me play it my way. And I got to experience some pretty incredible moments that I'd like to share now. All these happened within one game, made even more memorable as it's the last game I played of Bad Company 2.

The first was a kind of ridiculous death that could only happen in Battlefield. It occurred as I stepped outside a building after just single handedly securing the flag for my team. I was feeling pretty good as I'd been alive for close to ten minutes now and in that time had successfully defended two command points, shot a bunch of people in a helicopter and captured a flag. It was at this moment that I noticed a large shadow over my head. I looked up and was killed by a falling helicopter. I just about fell off my chair laughing. Sure, I was crushed that my great run had ended, but at the same time, some guy had just killed me by dropping a freaking helicopter on my head. How freaking awesome is that!? Shame it just counted as "you died" and whoever it was didn't get points, but I congratulated them of chat and much merriment ensued.

Not long after this, I was wandering through one of our captured bases on the way to the last flag the enemy held. This was on one of the largest, if not the largest Bad Company map, filled with vehicles galore. The air was filled with gunfire, screams and explosions, but it was relatively calm around here. I'd lost my squad earlier when they hopped in a tank and left without me, so I was sprinting across the map, hoping to get to the flag without dying or time running out. It was then that I noticed an enemy tank ahead, facing the wrong way. I quickly ran to a nearby stationary missile launcher and fired. The tank exploded beautifully and I smiled to myself, a smile that instantly vanished as another tank came tearing through the smoke and fire. My heart raced as the weapon slowly reloaded and I knew I was gone. It was then I noticed on the map a couple of green dots and an rpg flew from my right and hit the tank, buying me precious seconds of distraction. The tank wiped out whoever had rushed to my aid, but didn't survive my attack. I breathed a sigh of relief, only to be greeted by a third tank. this one was coming around my left side, clearly at the end but still gunning right for me. The gun reloaded painfully slowly ad the tank bore town on me, intent on running my stupid stunned arse over. Blissfully, the gun reloaded and I fired, just as the tank ran me over. He blew up. Revenge. And so ends the tale of when I took out three tanks by myself.

My final memory is a short one, and from a different, earlier match, but a particular favourite of mine. It was during a particularly intense game of Rush and mine team was getting it's arse kicked. The attackers had blownup all but our last M-COM station. I was running around laying out medkits and desperately reviving anyone I could find. I rounded the corner, only to run straight into an enemy rifle man. I panicked and without thinking to check what I was holding, I pressed fire. My character promptly slung a medkit at the guys face, who brushed it off (like a boss) and shot me dead. We both commented about the same time:
him: "did some idiot just throw a medkit at me?"
me: "I think I just tried to kill someone with a medkit."
Much merriment ensued.

So there's my few Bad Company stories. I'm sure there are many more and, as always, I look forward to hearing your own. I'm excited for BF3, even if the beta tarnished that with it's stupid Operation Metro, Caspian Sea has returned that feeling of Battlefield to me. Te levelling is fast, the rewards great, I like that the medic and assault classes have merged, the vehicles are fun, the map is huge and I'm already level 3 after a few games, which is awesome for me. I'm just hoping it can live up to everyone's expectations. What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below. As for me, it's time to hunt down that bastard who sniped me with a fucking pistol. Time to play "whack-a-noob".

Has Time Left Shadow of the Colossus Behind?

This is going to be a difficult and probably controversial article, but it's one I feel needs to be discussed. Before we begin, I'd just like to say that Shadow of the Colossus is one of my favourite games, an incredible work of art and experience. The first time I heard of it I spent months trying to hunt down a copy for my PS2, ended up paying close to 100 dollars on eBay for one. The experience was unmatched by anything I'd played before. The scope of the game, the sheer size and spectacle of the Colossi, the heart-breaking story and desolation, the relationship between boy and horse, everything blew me away. So when I found out Team Ico was releasing a HD collection, including Ico (which  hadn't played before because I couldn't find a copy), I pre-ordered straight away. But something strange happened when the game arrived. I fired up SotC and was instantly blown away by the loving detail it had been rendered in. The new textures, lighting and frame rate improves shone through, it felt like a true remastering of a classic. It was like someone had breathed a whole new life into it. And then I started to play the game and began to notice things. Little things. Things like the finicky and unresponsive horse controls, the camera that seems to exist in it's own world completely independent of your control, the ever increasing AI quirks, the unresponsive climbing controls. And ten I realised, with the spectacle of the Colossi removed, and the connection to the world and the story already experienced, what was left was a very flawed game. A very flawed, frustrating and often times very un-fun game. I was shocked. Had it always been like this, I wondered. Was I simply looking back on my experience with nostalgia glasses, forgetting all the frustrations and only remembering the good times, a la Uncharted 2? I can't honestly answer the question.Perhaps the quirk were always there, but the initial experience was enough to mask them. My sister is playing through the game for the first time alongside me and hasn't noticed any of the problems  have, so perhaps it is true. Perhaps time really has left Shadow of the Colossus behind. Now in o way am I calling into question SotC's quality. It is a truly incredible experience, and everyone should play the game once. But the thing is, it doesn't stand up to a second playthrough. I've had to stop playing, it's just too frustrating for me. The frustration is increased by the fact that I feel betrayed. I want to have as much fun as I had the first time, as much fun as my sister is having now. I want to relive the mystery, the grief as each colossus fell under your hand, the triumph, the heartache the spectacle, but I just can't. And that's a real shame. Have I just grown old and cynical? I honestly don't know, but I feel like a part of my childhood has died with this game. As my character desperately clings onto a colossi's head as it shakes it around violently for the tenth time in a row without break, a motion it will continue to repeat at least twice after I've fallen off without stabbing it once for the fifth or sixth time, I feel Wanda's pain. I get up, eject the disc, place it back in it's case and file it away, vowing to hold onto the memories of the good times, instead of weathering through the storm in the hope it gets better.

Alien Vs Ninja Review

If there's one thing I love, it's obscure films that sound like they'd be rubbish but actually surprise you. Alien Vs Ninja is one of these films. I'll be honest, I was drawn in right from the start by the title. It sounded so ridiculous it just had to be good. Written and directed by Japanese-born American Seiji Chiba, AvN tells the story of a small group of Iga ninja tasked with investigated a mysterious fireball that lands outside their village. However, they are attacked by a group of lightning-fast, hyper-deadly aliens that quickly slaughter all but a few of them. To be honest, there really isn't much of a story to be had here, as the title says, this is a movie about ninjas fighting aliens and little else. So ridiculous story aside, there's a lot of good to be found here. For one, the entire movie is filmed with an over-the-top anime sensibility and sense of humor, which, being a mad anime fan, really worked for me. This is the closest I've seen to a live action anime so far. So the "comedy" part of this movie is a definite plus. The other huge plus is the "action" part of the trifecta. The fight scenes are choreographed and filmed beautifully and skilfully, it's always easy to follow what's happening and Seiji expertly weaves the overthetop anime style and humour into some of the many fantastic action scenes. The only real let down is the aliens themselves. This is obviously a low budget film and it really shows in the creatures. They are all achieved by suits and the occasional CGI. The choice here is obvious, the suits allow better choreographed fight scenes, but the side effect is that the creatures don't look all that impressive or intimidating. It's also let down by cheap CGI and effects and bad use of lighting. But if you're like me and all you're looking for is a fun movie about ninjas fighting aliens, then this is definitely what you'll get. It's an A grade ninja movie wrapped up in a B grade monster flick, but that's ok with me. It's fun, gory, brutal, fast and funny, and it's ninjas fighting aliens. What else do you want, honestly?

Catherine Review

I'm going to admit something, before Catherine I had never heard of/played an Atlus game. I had heard the Persona series mentioned before, but long after I got rid of my PS2, so I chalked it off into the "missed opportunity" category along with a few FF games. However, I was hooked on Catherine from the very first screenshot and trailer. Hell, I pre-ordered the special edition as soon as it was announced, something I rarely ever do. So what was it about this game that caught my interest so and was my interest misplaced?

Trying to define Catherine is rather difficult. At it's core, it's a puzzle game, wrapped up in a dating sim rpg, tied together with an erotic/psycho horror story with a healthy dose of the supernatural. The entire game is presented as a japanese anime, with gorgeously animated cutscenes courtesy of Studio 4°C. Outside of the cutscenes, the entire game is done in a cell-shaded/anime style, creating a smooth transition between gameplay and cutscene. I feel especially sorry for the character animators, the japanese over-the-top anime style carries over from the cutscenes to the gameworld, creating some ridiculous facial and body expressions. So what is the story? You are Vincent Brooks, 32, slacker and man child. He's been dating his girlfriend Katherine, also 32 with long flowing hair and glasses, not attractive in the conventional sense but she certainly has a captivating allure. Vincent loves her dearly but is having trouble committing, and when Katherine begins dropping "hints" towards marriage and an unexpected pregnancy, Vincent's life begins to go to shit. After experiencing a bizarre nightmare, he then proceeds to have a drunken one night stand with Catherine, a young mysterious blonde bombshell. Thus begins a spiral into insanity as Vincent struggles to deal with the pressures of responsibility, faithfulness and maturity, all whilst trying to work out just why he is having these nightmares and who is trying to kill him. Atlus handles the story with a surprising maturity, even with the anime craziness exterior. A surpising amount of men could sympathise with Vincent's plight, despite every second word coming out of his mouth being completely the wrong one; though let's be honest, we've all been there. The intensity of the story is matched by the intensity of the nightmare stages. These crushingly difficult block-pulling sections get the heart rate and stress flying, pulling you violently into Vincent's shoes, making you feel his desperate fight for survival in this crazy world.

For those that don't know, I'm not a huge fan of puzzle games. Whilst I like to challenge my mind, I do not find them enjoyable, especially the hard ones and trust me when I say that Catherine is hard. Probably one of the hardest games I've played, easily matching wits with the likes of Witcher 2 or Demon's Souls. Catherine's saving grace, however, is that the difficulty is rarely unfair. All puzzles are solvable if you wrap your mind around it, and apart from some AI quirks and dodgy camera controls (I fucking hate static cameras), Catherine is always tough but fair. The puzzles constantly evolve, requiring more and more complex techniques and throwing in all sorts of traps and tricks to send you to your doom; slippery ice blocks, unmovable blocks, spike traps, mystery boxes and boxes that move on their own to name but a few. Oh, and did I mention the bottom of the tower is always falling away? So you better reach the top fast or it's game over. Thankfully, at least on easy, retries are plentiful and you can undo any mistakes you make. Switch it up to hard though, and suddenly the undo is gone and the retries vanish as fast as you find them. Thankfully, you can change difficulty between nightmares, but sadly not during. My advice, start on Easy. Seriously. Don't forget this is a Japanese game you're playing.

The other gameplay element is the "dating sim rpg". This is the daytime missions and basically involve drinking at the bar with your friends, talking to friends and strangers trying to piece together the mystery, and fielding texts from your increasingly concerned girlfriend and increasingly flirtatious mistress. Did I mention there's dirty pictures involved? The more Vincent drinks, the faster he is in the nightmare, so the alcohol flows freely. There is also an arcade game version of the block puzzles provided, giving you some welcome practise, though it would have been nice to have some different arcade games mixed in, maybe a fighting game (Atlus makes a fighting series whose name escapes me), just to break the repetition a little. All the time, Vincent and his actions are judged by a mysterious red and blue meter. After each stage, he is asked a simple binary question, which also affects this meter. This meter and Vincent's actions push him towards one of 8 endings. I really enjoyed the small online aspect of being able to see everyone's first time answers to the questions, some of them were really eyeopening. There's also competitive and co-op online modes, though I haven't tried these out yet.

I mentioned the gorgeous cutscenes earlier but they really deserve a repeat mention. Studio 4C is one of my favourite japanese animation studios, right up there with Ghibli and Production I.G and they really lend a lot of credibility to the story. The only complaint I have is that the audio in the cutscenes is mixed way louder than the gameplay sections, causing me to ride the volume nob quite violently at times throughout Catherine. On the subject of audio, the music and voice acting is top notch. The music is basically remixed versions of famous classical tunes and really matches the overall feel of the game. I kinda wish there was some option to get Japanese VO, just because I'm a stickler like that, but the english voice acting is great quality all around, avoiding the usual English dub pitfalls. The localisation is flawless, and if you didn't know otherwise you would swear it was a Western game.

So, how do you some up Catherine? In the end, I have to applaud it's originality. Atlus has given us something here that is truly, truly unique. It feels concise, thematically and visually everything ties together. The gameplay, while at times frustrating, is tempered b the driving need to see what happens next in the story, the gorgeous visuals and the driving soundtrack. This isn't a game for everyone, but it's a game everyone should play. And with 8 different endings, replayability is a must. So congrats, Atlus, for creating one of the first games I can truly call original in a long time. Aren't games wonderful creations? Stay Golden, everyone. *cue Japanese wave animation and fade out*