Red Riding Hood Review - Guest Review by Cheryl Billman

A Review of Catherine Hardwicke’s Red Riding Hood
or, ‘Why I Hate Today’s Cinema’


There are probably those that would argue that Red Riding Hood is kind of like Twilight-meets-The Village-meets-Jack the Ripper-meets-The Crucible. Don’t listen to these people, they’re fucking idiots, and they’re making this film sound much better than it actually is.

LET’S GET SOMETHING STR8~
Red Riding Hood aka “The Worst Movie I Have Ever Forced Myself to Endure in Its Entirety” borrows aspects, plot twists, and (in some cases) actual dialogue from each of the aforementioned films, intertwines them and then loosely assembles them into a tour de force of poor taste via a weak and fundamentally flawed plot constituting 60% “mystery”, 30% "romance", and 10% "supernatural themes".

A part of me wants to say that Catherine Hardwicke, director of this “cinematic” shit-storm, intended to pay homage to all of the films mentioned in the introduction. The other, more intelligent half of my brain realizes that anyone who would dedicate time and money to this film without a shred of inhibition isn’t actually smart enough to pay homage to anything other than Taylor Lautner’s abs.

I can’t go much further without a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER:
The 830pm viewing of Red Riding Hood that I attended was practically deserted save for four young couples somewhere in their mid-20’s and five quite clucky middle-aged women who – and I can tell you this with confidence, because I was eavesdropping on the loud, indiscreet conversation they were having over the previews [as a side note: FUCK I HATE IT WHEN I DO THIS, AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO APPRECIATES THE SANCTITY OF MOVIE PREVIEWS] – had just moved to Brisbane from a small rural town. All were dedicated Twilight fans, and all but one suffered from perennial single-dom, but none among their number was astute enough to realize that both misfortunes were, in all likelihood, directly correlated to each other.

I mention the people who inhabited the cinema with me because I spent more time watching them than I did the actual screen. The couples were the most interesting to watch, because this “film” is built on the same foundation as every other "film" released in the past three years: a love triangle between three really ridiculously good-looking people who lack personality and are essentially undeserving of the love of another human being.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about all the films that have approached this angle in a self-aware manner and parlayed it into a film that is gritty and real. You're thinking that some films execute this theme in a refined, interesting manner. This film is not among that distinguished few. Hence, my prolonged people-watching session.

When the majesty of the cinematic experience proved elusive, I found solace watching young girls caught in the enthrall of a twisted romance, clutching at their boyfriend’s hand, while he stonily contemplated suicide and/or tried to focus as much of his energy and attention as possible on the popcorn sitting between them.

The German’s have a word for the delight I found in this simple act: Schadenfraude.

The movie itself is barely worth discussing. This is the tale of the fictional village of Daggerhorn which is plagued by a furry menace. For those who haven’t guessed, or who have just emerged from the blissful sanctuary of some isolated cave, away from the horrors of the 21st Century (see: ‘Whip My Hair’, ‘Hannah Montana: the Movie’ and ‘90210’ – the remake) and therefore don’t actually know how the fairytale goes: it's a wolf.

Or, in this case (and in keeping with the latest Hollywood trend): IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING WEREWOLF. A big, cuddly werewolf which looks like it was animated by a twelve year old with rudimentary knowledge of graphics generation for a school I.T. project.

In the first ten minutes, the viewer is thrown into the tepid romance that exists between village girl Valarie (Amanda Seyfried), the Little Red Riding Hood of this interpretation, who shall heretofore be known as “Photogenic Lead Female” and woodcutter Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), or “Brooding Lead Male”. The dynamic of this relationship is thrown somewhat off kilter by the fact that little chemistry exists between Seyfried and Fernandez, and watching their romantic scenes is sort of akin to watching two elderly drunks get into a slurred verbal sparring match. The sizzle between the two pretty leads is sorely missed and casts a shadow over the romantic development between their characters respectively, who have apparently known each other since childhood.

Side note: in her opening monologue, Valarie laments the fact that Peter can bring out the worst in her. One of the middle-aged Twilight fans all but swooned in her seat. I choked on my frozen Coke. Suffragettes rolled over in their graves.

Hardwicke is also quick to establish that a love triangle – DID YOU HEAR THAT? A love triangle; the most underutilized of all plot elements! – exists between Valarie, Peter, and another character named Henry (Michael Shanks), who I came to know as “Boring Nice Guy”. Henry is more conventionally attractive than Peter; he is also smarter, funnier, wealthier, and infinitely more respectful of Valarie than Peter is, and he has loved Valarie from afar for an indeterminate amount of time and for indeterminate reasons. Naturally, Valarie thinks he’s a douche and wants nothing to do with him – this film does come from the school of Twilight, after all.

The village goes stir-crazy following an unprovoked death and calls in a werewolf-hunting priest who makes the Spanish Inquisitors look like friendly Latter Day Saints popping ‘round for a chat on a Sunday afternoon. This bat-shit crazy son of a bitch, played by Gary Oldman, has a personal vendetta against anything and everything that goes bump in the night. I’m not going to recount the entire plot, because there isn’t a plot worth recounting - sitting through this sloppily-assembled estrogen-fest once was enough – other than to say that the rest of the movie details the mad scramble to identify who among the cast is actually the werewolf.

Credit where credit is due, Hardwicke did her best to manufacture something sort of like suspense throughout the course of the movie – she was even successful at one point, but I won’t ruin one of the movie’s few redeeming features for you by giving it away. The rest of her attempts, however, have the same sort of effect as a reality T.V. show elimination special: you can easily guess whose headed home based on whose furrowed brow or teary-eyed expression doesn’t get airtime right before the vote is announced.

For those of you who are being reluctantly dragged kicking and screaming into seeing of this film by a friend or romantic partner, I have little words of condolence. You may cling blindly to the hope that it will be visually stunning, or that the acting will be good or that it will have a dynamic and unique soundtrack, but I wouldn’t advise it. You’d just be setting yourself up for disappointment. Having suffered through Twilight and having quite enjoyed Lords of Dogtown, I had at least hoped for stunning landscape shots from Hardwicke, director of both projects. She let me down. I was left with the impression that this was a film shot on a historically inaccurate, shoddily-dressed set built with poor quality materials.

This was probably the worst film I’ve seen this year. That’s a tall claim for me to make, seeing as I habitually browse video stores looking for the worst conceivable titles and the most laughable plot synopsis’. The only way I can adequately describe how utterly terrible this film was is to say that, if I were a male who had been dragged out of my house to endure this heinous piece of cinematic fodder, I would expect reimbursement of the most serious kind. Before you let your girlfriend or friend subject you to this test of loyalty and dedication, make sure to arrange a prize for yourself if you manage to make it out alive. Gentlemen, if it’s too late for you, suggest a trade-off: reserve the right to blow your girlfriend off for video games at a time of your choosing, without complaint from her, because it's THAT bad.

If you let your friend drag you out to this film already, and you managed to make it through without slipping into a shallow coma, I really have no suggestion for you other than to recommend you bathe in the warm glow of the knowledge that you are a good friend and a person of strong will.

4/10. And that’s being generous.     

Verbal Diarhoea - Coming Soon

Just a quick update on what's been happening behind the scenes here. I'm working on a video series appropriately titled "Verbal Diarhoea", an animated rant/review show. The first episode is nearing completion. The vocals are recorded and mixed and the animation is being storyboarded by my sister, who's kindly lended her awesome art skills to the process. Expect an episode on youtube within two to three weeks. Also, a whole slew of reviews coming soon, I've been busy. Until then, TTFN.

The Top 5 Daria Episodes

Just a hold over until my new shows are up and running. Now, I am a huge Daria fan, I always loved the show and I got the entire Daria collection on DVD for Christmas, so it's pretty hard to pick 5, so I've gone through and picked basically the essential Dari episodes in my eyes. Thefunniest, the saddest, the ones that capture the characters the best. So here it is:

The Top 5 Daria Episodes

1. Daria! (Ep7, S3)

Daria! is my favourite episode for a great many reason. It's by far and large the funniest, it has all myfavourite quotes, I can basically recite the episode word for word, it's a musical(!), and it's the best episode to show anyone if you want them to know anything about the show as it is quintessential Daria and includes just about every character ever in Daria.

2. Boxing Daria (Ep13, S5)

Boxing Daria is the last official episode of Daria and also the most serious the show has ever been. A deep character study of Daria, her relationship with her parents and sister, and her troubled childhood. This episode resonates with me on a deep personal level as I went through a lot of things Daria did, as oblivious as she was to it all.

3. Jane's Addition (Ep13, S3)

Ah, Jane's Addition, thank you for introducing my favourite character, Tom, who shook up the Daria world for another two seasons and two movies. This episode also once and for all ends Daria's crush on Trent and includes the best quote out of Daria, ever, so beautifully and astutely summing up Daria's home life:

Helen (offscreen) - Meeting!
Jake (offscreen) - Golf!
Quinn (offscreen) - Date!
Daria - Sarcasm!

4. Dye, Dye, My Darling (Ep14, S4)

This was a tough choice, I was really torn between I Loathe a Parade and Dye, Dye, My Darling. Both are fantastic episodes for roughly the same reason, although I have sentimental attachment to I Loathe A Parade as it was the first Daria episode I ever saw. In the end, I ha to choose this one, which revolves around the building tension between Daria and Jane over Tom, culminating in one fateful scene that all but destroys their friendship.

5. Esteemers (Ep1, S1)

Esteemers is the best way a show could have started. Well written and interesting characters, snappy dialogue, and Mr. O'Neil's somewhat suspicious "Esteem" class. Check Daria's "psyche test" for some of the funniest moments in Daria, later given a bittersweet treatment in Boxing Daria.

Honourable mentions go to both movies, especially Is It Fall Yet?, which sees the characters develop in startling ways over summer break. Jane goes to art camp where she goes through a major identity crisis, Daria is forced into 'supervising' Mr O'Neil's ill-guide "OK to Cry Corral" and is chalenged by a traumatised kid and Quinn gets a tutor and begins to develop well beyond her shallow persona.

Sucker Punch Review

Wow, it's been awhile, possibly-fictitious readers. How have you been? Let's get right back into the thick of things with a train-of-thought review of Zack Snyder's new film, the ambiguously titled "Sucker Punch".

Sucker Punch is a fantasy/action/drama about a young woman whose mother dies, leaving her and her younger sister at the mercy of their surly step-dad, a priest with rather unconventional taste (wink wink, nudge nudge). Anyway, after getting tired of old 'Daddy', the lead character Baby Doll (Emily Browning), gives her step-dad the old what for involving his own handgun. Sadly, she's not the best of shots and only ends up busting a light and enraging her stepdad even more. Being a particularly crafty and evil stepdad, he calls the men in white, bribes an orderly and has the Baby Doll set up for a lobotomy in 5 days. Inside the insane asylum, we witness the fantasy world Baby Doll creates as part of guided therapy from the resident psychiatrist, played beautifully by Carla Gugino, who instructs the girls to create a world in which they are in control as a way of facing down their fears. In this world, Baby Doll is a dancer with four other girls at a brothel and she will lose her virginity in five days to a mysterious "High Roller". And then from this world, further fanasy worlds emerge as the girls 'quest' to find the items related to their eventual escape. The story is not perfect, there are plenty of plot holes, but it's nice to finally see a big budget movie that doesn't feelit has to pander to the bottom line. This is a very complex tale that you will have to analyse and view multiple times before you truly understand it. Even then, a lot is left open to interpretation. In a world where even Christopher Nolan feels the need to explain everything in painful detail (I'm looking at you Inception), this is a welcome change.

The acting is for the most part strong, Emil Browning and Carla Gugino definitely steal the show, but our own Abbie Cornish is brilliant as the sour and cynical Sweat Pea, Donnie Darko's Jena Malone gives a strong performance as Sweat Pea's feisty younger sister Rocket, and even Vanessa Hudgens surprises in the somewhat underused Blondie. The five girls hold their own very well against the older actors, which is a welcome sight as it's their story after all. Or is it? But I digress.

The movie is driven by a fantastic avante-garde, alt-rock grunge soundtrack, mainly remixes of older songs, including a killer version of Sweet Dreams and Bjork's Army of Me. These songs underpin not only the high action fantasy scenes, but some of the more powerful dramatic scenes. Emily Browning's haunting rendition of Sweet Dreams over the introductory scene is undeniably powerful. Speaking of powerful, the sound effects will rock your core. I'm not one to be bothered by loud noises, but even my ears were ringing after seeing this bad boy at the cinemas.

To sum up, well, this is a hard one to sum up. On one level, this is a brilliant drama and morality tale, at another it's a ballad of female enpowerment, ad at a whole other level it's a teenage wet dream of loud music, loud action, flashy special effects, video game references, hot chicks and giant samurai robots with chain guns. This movie is not going to appeal to everyone, you have to be willing to open your mind and absorb everything, but Zack Snyder should be heartily commended for not being afraid to make a film that so adamantly ignores the any conventions of so called modern blockbusters. This film is the modern equivalent of the musicals of old, except characters burst into wild action scenes instead of heartfelt songs. This is the future of rock operas, an erotic, psychotic, fantastic, mind-bending, surreal world where everything you see is false and everything you know is a lie. Zack Snyder, you remain the man.

Top Ten Family Animated Movies

In no particular order:

1. Shrek (1 and 2 are best, although all are worth watching)
2. Lion King (all of them)
3. Winnie the Pooh's Grand Adventure (Most watched movie from my childhood, saw it again recently and loved it just as much)
4. The Emperor's New Groove (Kronk, that's all I'm saying)
5. The Road to El Dorado (Hans Zimmer and Elton John's brilliant soundtrack over a touching and hilarious story)
6. Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (Anyone who doesn't cry at the end of this movie has a heart of stone. Beautiful animation, a great story and a brilliant and powerful soundtrack from Zimmer and Bryan Adams)
7. Any Hayao Miyazaki movie, at the very least Spirited Away or Howl's Moving Castle.
8. Chicken Run (It's Aardman at their finest. "I don't want to be a pie, I don't like gravy")
9. The Nightmare Before Christmas (Painstakingly stop-motion animated, Danny Elfman, Tim Burton, what else is their to say? Also, check out Corpse Bride. It's got Johnny Depp!)
10. Up! (The first five minutes of this film is the most beautiful movie I've ever seen. So is the rest.)

Please, all of you out there with children, there's so much rubbish these days, don't let these classics die (sure, Shrek might not be a classic yet, but give it a few years).

Honourable mentions:

Aristocats, 101 Dalmations, Hoodwinked, Kronk's New Groove (More Kronk!), The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Robots, Monsters, Inc., Tarzan, The Adventurers Down Under, Despicable Me

Think I've forgotten any? Disagree? Leave your comments!

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Review

Well, a recent geek out session with a few of my mates about how much we’re all looking forward to Skyrim reminded me that I’ve been meaning to review Oblivion for some time now. So here it is. I must warn you to bear with me if I lose my impeccable eloquence at times, this is a difficult review for me and I don’t want it turned into some whitewashed, edited wishy-washy missive.

Story

Ok, I’m going to start with the easiest part to review. The story. So, basically, your character starts off locked in a prison cell with no memory for some reason that’s never explained. This prison cell just so happens to house a secret escape passage out of the castle that the Emperor, who’s being chased by assassins, and his guard must go through. So, as fate has it, you are the Chosen One of destiny, or something and so begins your epic journey to save the world from evil. Or something.

Basically, the story is rubbish. I’m sorry, it is. When there actually is any attempt at story, it is weak and clichéd, but most of the time the weak story takes a sideline, which is good, because it allows the game to do what it’s best at, but we’ll touch on that later. The dialogue is the usual High Fantasy cliché but for the most part its well voice acted, but again we’ll touch on that later. What I do want to say is that I hated how irrelevant the story lines are. For all the work you do, whether it be in the main story or the side quests, it leaves very little impact on the world. Finishing the main story just results in you being proclaimed Grand Champion or some such shit and you get a statue and some armour. Whatever. Oh and some NPC’s will like you more. Until you do something bad, then they won’t. My favourite thing I ever did was in my second playthrough where I finished the expansion Knights of the Nine first, which makes you into this holy knight and crusader for good, then I became Arch-Mage of the Mages Guild, and basically everyone loved me. Then I murdered someone and rose to Speaker of the Dark Brotherhood. And now, whenever I talk to an NPC, they are so heartbroken. “I used to think you were some sort of Holy Knight!” It amuses me, what can I say? But back on track, story: weak, clichéd, boring, unimportant. Tsk tsk. Bad Bethesda.

Gameplay

Quick warning, there’s going to be a lot of text here. So if you fear reading or your eyes fall out of your head if they have to work too much, you might just want to skip to the summing up at the bottom. Anyway, allons-y!

At the start of the game, you are greeted by a deep character customisation screen. You can customise down to a mathematical value every aspect of your characters face. There are a heap of races to choose from, each one with a unique playing style which makes every playthrough remarkably different. Then throughout the tutorial you choose your class and birthsign, both of which affect your starting stats and skills. Oblivion relies on a two-tier level up system. The first tier is Skills. Skills, like blade, acrobatics, sneak etc. increase the more you use them. So hitting a guy with your sword a lot increases blade, being hit a lot increases the relative armour skill, casting heal a lot increases your restoration skill, you get the idea. Skills are divided into two categories, major and minor skills. You get 7 major skills, which all start at apprentice level, whilst the rest of your skills are minor. Your major skills are defined by your class. Advancing your major skills will cause you to level up, advancing your minor skills does nothing so if you want to level up quickly, it’s smart to choose major skills that you use the most. The other tier is Attributes. Once you’ve advanced your major skills enough to level up, sleeping in a bed brings up the attribute screen. You then choose three attributes to increase. Attributes increase by factors of 1, unless you have been using one particular skill more than any others. So if you mainly used blade, your Strength skill, which governs Blade, may increase by 2 or even 3 upon level up. In theory it’s a pretty clever system, but it makes levelling up a very uneven affair, especially if you’ve chosen a broad spectrum of major skills. If you only advance one major skill at a time (which is a pain to do but possible) you can basically fly all the way through to the high twenties with no problem. But if you play more evenly, you may level up to about 15 really fast, and then levelling up from there can take forever. I would prefer a system that used XP for levelling up, personally. But enough on that.

I mention classes and birthsigns before. You have a large selection of Birthsigns to choose from, each suited to a specific playing style. They are not customisable. Then there are the classes. There are a tonne of classes, most are well balanced, but the best path to go is the class creation option. You choose three main attributes and seven major skills, so you can basically play to your strengths. It’s a lot of fun. The first playthrough, I played as Dark Elf called Braedum Extor. He was born under the sign of The Thief. I chose skills focused on archery and sneaking, playing to my race strengths, as well as some minor magic skills. Unfortunately, it turned out my character wasn’t all that well created and towards the end of his journey became almost completely useless. You either need to focus on magic or alchemy if you need to be a fighter as there are a lot of tough enemies out there and I specialised in neither so by the end I was basically defenceless against the big enemies. So I let him die and created my new character, a female Breton Mage Elayne Whiisp. She was born under the sign of The Mage and class Soothsayer, focusing on magic, alchemy and sword fighting. This proved a much better option as being skilled in magic helps you take on some of the nasties early in the game, allows you to cast spells to quickly heal easily, and basically rain hell on higher level enemies with all sorts of destructive might. And once you learn the Invisibility spell you are all but unstoppable. In conclusion, character customisation great and varied, but can require trial and error.

As you step out of the tutorial level you are greeted with a massive, and I mean massive, world. I still remember my first time. I’d just never seen anything like it. I was lost and terrified, I had no idea at all what to do. Thankfully, a concise map and journal system with clear mission goals eases your transition and fast travel to all major towns saves you from dying helplessly alone in the wilderness. As you become more and more familiar with the world you begin to stray of the trails, explore the ruins and caves and just admire nature. It’s just such a shame that this incredible game world is let down by two things. Combat, and repetition.

The combat system is not broken, in fact it’s a great idea. To a fault. The game is played from first person (there’s a third person option but I’ll touch on that later). Left click attacks with the equipped weapon, right click blocks, C casts spells. There’s an 8 button hotkey system, but it can be really limited. I really wished for either more hot key slots, or the ability to cycle through hot keys. One for spells, one for weapons, one for potions. Or one for exploration and one for combat. As it is, you’ll be jumping in to your inventory, a lot. Back to the combat. The combat works well against a single foe, out in the open. Sure, the AI is dumb as shit, the animations are robotic and clunky, but it works. Unfortunately, a lot of the combat is in cramped dungeons against multiple combatants. So you basically end up standing there just clicking away hoping to god you’re hitting something and trying to block when you can. Wonky hit detection doesn’t help. It’s even worse with an ally. Seriously, they just somehow always end up in front of spells arrows and swords. A few hits on them, and suddenly they want to kill you, too. I just found it really disappointing overall. I hope they develop the idea though, because it has potential. Better AI, better animations, smoother hit detection and potentially the implementation of a combo system to shake things up, is that too much to ask? Word is that Skyrim will have autonomous hands (ie dual weapons, dual spells, spell and weapon, spell and shield, like Bioshock 2’s weapon/plasmid system) so hopefully that will make things smoother.

And now we come to the part I’ve been avoiding. Repetition. The world of Oblivion is massive and littered with dungeons, caves, ruins and old forts filled with treasure just waiting to be explored. So why, oh why, oh why, must every cave look the same? That’s not déjà vu you’re feeling, you really have walked through this room a hundred times before, only last time there was a skeleton of a trap here. They all look the same, they all function the same, they are all littered with pointless, easy to avoid traps and a bunch of random enemies. If the random loot wasn’t so interesting and useful, we wouldn’t bother. The exterior is an improvement, but not by much. There are three areas: forest, swamp, snowy mountain. That is all. The cities are uninspired, and whilst they are brimming with life, they still feel empty. The radiant AI system is clever, but still has some kinks that need ironing out. I won’t go into them, I’ll let you discover them for yourselves.

So here’s the wrap up:

Character customisation – deep, but trial and error

Combat – clever idea but badly implemented

Exploration – huge world, but filled with cookie cutter boring dungeons

So a mixed bag on the gameplay front.

Graphics

The graphics engine is nice, but surprisingly system intensive for its age. My top of the line system struggles to get it above 30FPS at during exploration and combat. Granted I’m running at 1920x1080 HDR all settings Ultra, but still, the character models are bland and sometimes downright awful. The environment is gorgeous however, but has a lot of pop-in, if that sort of thing bothers you. Also, the HDR isn’t very well implemented. I ended up putting the Natural Weather and Environments mod on, which utilizes the HDR a lot more and makes the gorgeous. Seriously, watch out for some screenshots of sunsets. Unbelievable. My biggest two complaints about the graphics either aren’t the usual ones.

Firstly, why let us spend so much time crafting our character’s features if the only time we ever get to see them is on the inventory screen? Seriously, the camera in TP mode stays behind the character at all times. I want to admire my character, not stare at their arse the whole time. Their square blocky arse. Shudder.

Secondly, third person mode. Why? One or the other. Don’t include it if it doesn’t work. Sure it’s nice to check out the armour, but we can do that in inventory if we want to. It doesn’t work in combat, or at all really. It gets stuck all the time indoors, it’s clunky and unresponsive and only serves to further show off the god awful animations. No Bethesda. Fix it, or ditch it. Games like Hitman have successfully implemented the TP/FP system by creating the game as a TPS, then adding FPS options. And that’s how you have to do it. You can’t make a first person game and then just stick the camera behind the character, it doesn’t work. Ok, rant over.

Grahpics:

Environment – god, but use Natural Environments mod. Seriously, do it.

Characters – yuck. Just…no. Bad animations, bland features, just no.

Third person camera – fix or ditch. Do it.

And just quickly, let’s see some more flashy magic in Skyrim, please? I want my fireballs to blow shit up, not just be a pissy little ball of red. I want to shatter frozen enemies. After playing games like Dragon Age and Final Fantasy XIII, I have high expectations of magic in RPGs.

Sound

Oh thank you. The sound is brilliant. The soundtrack is gorgeous and soaring and even at its most repetitive, I didn’t mind. The soaring orchestral soundtrack provided me comfort as I road through the endless open fields on my horse. It’s like the companion you never get. The sound effects are the usual fantasy affair, but are done well. Spell sounds are again a little weak though.

Voice acting is very good, but inconsistent. There is only a small cast, one voice actor for the male and female of each race. Oh and Patrick Stewart, who lasts about five minutes. And Sean Bean. The problem with the voice acting is difficult to explain, so I’ll give you an example. In your journeys you will meet many beggars. They all speak like weak old people. However, if you choose the Rumor dialogue option, they will deliver a stock rumour, in the usual character voice, before returning to their weak beggar voice. It is, jarring, to say the least. Also a guard might call out a random friendly greeting, but upon talking to him, he will arrest you for a crime you did forever ago and forgot about. It’s just, inconsistent. And the random character chatter is really forced and awful. And due to the random nature, often complete nonsense. Whilst it does often reveal side quests, it has little value and can sometimes result in about ten characters all talking to each other at once.

In conclusion, the soundtrack is awesome, sound effects are ok, but the voice acting needs consistency and variation. Bigger cast. Don’t waste your money on big stars we don’t need, just give us a hundred randoms.

The Verdict

Well you did it, you made it to the end. I’m sorry it’s so big, but Oblivion is huge. I’ve poured over a hundred hours in to it already and I’ve maybe done a third of the quests and discovered and tenth of the world. However, my time with Oblivion has reached its conclusion, I grew bored. I am now playing the total conversion mod Nehrim, which I will review soon. Look, all I can say is if you’ve never played this sort of game before, this is a great place to start. I was caught up in the awesomeness of it all for at least 60 of those 100 hours I did not notice a single flaw. If you are a fan of Elder Scrolls, then you’ll love this. I think. However, if you’re an RPG veteran, you might want to miss this one. Go for Risen, or the Gothic Series. But you guys already know where to look.

Summing Up:

Story – 2/10

Not really one to speak off, but it does allow a lot of freedom.

Gameplay – 7/10

So many great ideas, but sloppy execution, repetition and bugs drive the mark down. Lots of replayability and customisation options.

Graphics – 5/10

Great environments, but they lack variety. Third person camera completely broken. Horrible character models and animations.

Sound – 8/10

Gorgeous soundtrack, ok sound effects and great, if limited and unreliable, voice acting.

Overall – 5.5/10

A flawed game, filled with so many incredible ideas but let down by sloppy presentation and bad design choices. Still worth checking out though, there is a lot of fun to be had here. Maybe a rent first, see if it’s your thing. I played the Game of the Year version which includes a tonne of DLC, a lot of which are great additions. It’s worth checking out.

Splice Review

It's been a long time since I've been really excited about a new movie. But when I heard of Vincenzo Natali's new film, Splice, I got all jittery. Being a huge fan of Natali's previous work with Cube and it's Kafkaesque psycho-horror and Cypher with it's twisted Sci-Fi paradoxes, the idea of a new sci-fi horror from the master is enough to get me baying at the leash. And after finally getting the blu-ray release, I have to say: I was not disappointed. This is a fantastic, surprisingly deep, intelligent, moving and ultimately terrifying experience.

The basic premise of Splice focuses on Clive and Else (Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley), gene-splicing's "rock star" couple. After just inventing Fred and Ginger, two organism engineered to create cures in livestock, they are pushing management for the opportunity to create the first human-animal hybrid. Of course, management denies, pushing for more revenue. They close down the gene splicing lab and turn it into a chemical manufacturing plant, leaving Clive and Elsa frustrated and rebellious. So they do what any good scientist does and create a human chimera anyway. What Splice does that is so different to any other genetically engineered monster movie is it looks for the humanity, not only within the "monster" but within it's creators. Natali uses the creature, Dren (Delphine Chaneac), as a kind of mirror on humanity, revealing our greatest flaws and triumphs within one innocent creature. The horror, funnily enough, does not come from the creature, but from the humans, as the relationship between creator and creation shifts through some horrifying aspects, from Elsa's maternal instincts to Clive unhealthy affection. To say anymore would be to ruin the best surprises. While the script is fantastic, the ending does leave a bit of a bad taste in your mouth, although there really doesn't seem any other way he could have ended it, it's still a little disappointing.

The performances, however, especially those of the three protagonists, are briliant. Brody, as always, provides a heavily nuanced performance, showing once again he is not out of home anywhere on film. Polley's Elsa at time feels a little forced and underdeveloped, but that is as much the scripts fault as Polley's performance. The real star of the show, though, is Delphine's Dren. She finds such innocence and humanity in this creature. A kind of isolation and confusion, that feeling of being alone in the universe, the only one of her kind and just trying to find somewhere to fit in. The rapid aging of Dren means she is a perpetual child, trapped within an adult's body and Delphine brings such nuance to the creature that she is often more believable than her human counterparts. Unfortunately, the supporting cast is underacted and underwritten, but in the end, this is Dren's story, wo it doesn't matter too much.

The sound is for the most part forgettable. The score is well written and suitable, but nothing overly memorable. The audio is clear and well mixed, especially on Blu Ray.

From the moment the enigmatic opening titles roll, you realise that you are in for something completely unique with Spliec, and that's what you get. It's not perfect, but yet again Natali as created a unique masterpiece in a world so full of imitation. This is a brave piece, a bold vision, a shocking vision even, made more terrifying but just how close it cuts to home. If you're a Natali fan, a sci fi fan, a horror fan, or you just like a good movie; this is the film for you. Unique, brilliant and terrifying, Splice is a must-see.

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