It's that time again, ladies and gents. The only reason any of you should ever visit here - the Guest Review slot. Enjoy:)
A Review of “Breaking Dawn: Part 1”
or, This Isn’t a Review, Because Fuck You, That’s Why
Seeing the posters go up for a new Twilight movie doesn’t disturb me in the way that it disturbs some people. To be honest with you, I’m largely indifferent to the entire Twilight franchise. I know, I know. I hate everything. I should, by any and all logic, hate the Twilight films with the kind of passion I save for child molesters, people who use poor grammar on the Internet, Glenn Beck and the person responsible for the Mean Girls sequel.
I just don’t care though. I really just don’t.
I actually started writing this review after I first saw Breaking Dawn, on the day that it came out. (Yeah, that’s right. I saw it twice.) It came out last year and I still haven’t finished reviewing it, as Kyle graciously pointed out mere hours ago. I thought for sure that no one gave a fuck about this movie anymore and I wasn’t even going to finish it, but then right as he reminded me that I had an outstanding review (outstanding in a way separate from my other adjectively outstanding reviews; outstanding in nature, not in content) something horrifying came up on my Facebook news feed:
“I want a love like Edward and Bella’s ♥”, it said.
You know what I want, unnamed-Facebook-friend-who-I-can’t-bring-myself-to-unfriend-because-your-pathetic-life-is-good-for-my-self-esteem? I want to wake up tomorrow and find myself in a world where people don’t take romantic cues from excessively long, poorly written fictional works penned by women-hating Evangelical stay-at-home mothers who studied at a glorified community college and have delusions of grandeur.
Looks like neither of us will get what we want. Ever. (And look, I’m not implying that you’re going to end up in a borderline abusive relationship with someone who probably skinned cats for fun during childhood as a direct result of your sheer desperation to forge a relationship with someone mysterious and committed and dreamy... Oh, no, wait, I totes am...)
Anyway, I got to thinking and wondering what Bella’s Facebook page (or Timeline, for all you fancy fuckers utilizing the new feature) would look like, and subsequently, I realized something fucking horrifying: It would look exactly the same as That Girl From High School Who I Hate’s Facebook page.
Bella Swan: Edward
1 hour ago
Bella Swan: Ew, have to start hitting the gym. NY resolutions, lose weight, get fit, be happy!!!!
54 minutes ago
Bella Swan: Hmm, what should I make for dinner tonight??
45 minutes ago
Bella Swan: Reading Wuthering Heights as I make yummy food for dinner. Sooooo good!!!!!!
29 minutes ago
Bella Swan: went from being ‘In a Relationship’ to ‘Engaged’
10 minutes ago
Bella Swan: Broke my leg – LOL!!!! So clumsy!! Lucky I have Edward to look after me xoxox
3 minutes ago
Bella Swan: I love sweet potato! Nom nom nom nom nom.
30 seconds ago
There’s something about the character of Bella that seems to be so appealing to teenage girls, suburban mothers (mine included), and gay men, and it’s this:
She’s a fucking idiot.
Bella Swan is unabashedly, unashamedly, uncaringly stupid. She’s clumsy. She’s thoughtless, selfish, naive and stubborn. She manages to have low self-esteem and deep-seated self obsession, simultaneously. Bella Swan, like Becky Sharp (of Vanity Fair—the book, not the magazine, for those of you who are illiterate or just revel in your own ignorance) before her, is a character with no redeeming qualities, totally lacking in self-awareness and completely and utterly willing to define herself by her rank amongst peers and through qualities on a checklist.
Sadly, a large number of teenagers and suburban mothers and gay men (none of which are groups of people I have any mal-intent towards, for those of you about to cry discrimination and gather up your lynch mob or fire up the gas chambers or whatever it is you people who hate unpopular opinions do these days) are attracted to this.
The only good thing about the character of Bella Swan is the fact that she is played by Kristen Stewart in the movies and dubious choice of hairstyles and surliness aside, Kristen Stewart is fucking hot. In fact, I kind of like her surliness. Sometimes when I’m reading tabloid articles about her and Robert (of the Hair)—mostly in line at the supermarket, or getting my hair cut by a small, effeminate Asian man who insists I call him ‘D’—I fondly imagine K. Stew dominating Robert of the Hair, and it brings a smile to my face (and a moistness to my—no, I’m kidding. Or am I? You’ll never know!).
Unfortunately, they fucking ruin that in this movie. She’s all gross and anorexic and, SPOILER ALERT, drinking blood from a Sippy cup and shit...
I mean, look. Let’s be honest. The cast of the Twilight movies is fucking attractive. I mean, this is the franchise which lead to Cam Gigandet being shirtless in everything, and Ashley Greene’s naked pictures being posted on the Internet in places that are easily found via Google, and it’s also the movie franchise that launched Anna Kendrick’s career. (And God, she’s so cute! I just want to have sweet, long-term relationship sex with her and then cuddle and watch cat videos on Youtube with her for hours afterwards.)
I can’t condone any of that, really.
But it’s like, in this movie, they deliberately set out to ruin their entire cast of hotties. I think Taylor Lautner’s chest muscles have literally devoured his neck.
(I mean, when was the last time that kid ate a fucking carb? How old is he, like Justin Beiber-age? Someone take that fucking kid to a burger joint and feed him something that doesn’t list protein as its main ingredient. Also, does he date? The kid drives a Lambo so it’s safe to assume that he pulls bitches, and he probably banged Phil Collins’ hot daughter when they were in that movie together, but does he take girls to restaurants and, if so, what does he order? Is she obligated to order something nutritious as well? Or, does a muscle:fat ratio like his mean that you don’t have to take a bitch to pre-penetration dinner? Is that why so many guys seem married to the gym?)
Ok, sorry, I got off track there. The point is, this movie is lacking in plot AND eye candy. I only expected one of those two, so the fact that I got neither really irks me. I paid good money; I should be able to tune out and imagine a magical threesome with me, Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz as I watch them cavort around the big screen.
Understandably, I felt obligated to pay attention to the plot of this movie and here’s the main problem I have with the storyline:
Bella and Edward love each other very much but Edward won’t put his P inside Bella’s V unless they’re married. Therefore, it seems apparent that the overlying theme of this particular movie, at least, is that teenagers should abstain.
Or, get married at eighteen so that they can have freaky, dirty, illegal break-the-bed sex on a private island somewhere off the coast of Brazil so that, when the female of the partnership invariably gets pregnant at eighteen, it’s all totally above board.
I didn’t make that shit up. There is a private island, and they do break the bed.
Let me backtrack here and give you a summary of the plot, thinly stretched as it is. (Stretched thinner than, say, the skin covering Kristen Stewart’s pasty face. As thinly stretched as, say, my patience with the kind of people who quote Twilight quotes under Personal Quotations on social networking sites; perhaps, even, thinner and more stretched than a— you know what? This probably isn’t the place for jokes about the act of taking someone’s virginity… nevermind.)
Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Bella (Kristen Stewart) have graduated high school and while they were at their graduation ceremony they handed out the invitations to their upcoming nuptials but they have to send a few in the mail to people who don’t even go to their school, like Bella’s mother and Jacob (Taylor Lautner), the werewolf who Bella Friend Zoned with unprecedented masochism. It is at this point that Jacob runs away to pursue being a wolf full time and Bella doesn’t even realize he’s gone until he shows up at her wedding, at which point she takes great delight in telling him that she’s going to fuck her vampire husband. At this point she goes on her honeymoon and fucks her vampire husband, then IMMEDIATELY falls pregnant and decides that, despite the fact that Edward would like to procure a hasty abortion, she would like to keep the child. It’s at this point that shit gets real.
I think. It’s all a blur of all the people around me gasping and weeping and orgasming every time a male character walked on the fucking screen.
Now, I’m not saying that the Twilight films condone bad parenting. I’m just saying that if my kid came to me at eighteen years old and said that they wanted to get married, and I was aware that we had previously discussed abstaining from sex until marriage, I’d probably tell them to log onto Redtube or Youjizz and search “mutual masturbation” or “how to give a blowjob” or something, not clap my hands with glee and start buying expensive furniture made from dead Albanian trees…
Look, I can’t even talk about this movie anymore. Like, I can’t even bring myself to be funny or acerbically witty about it or anything. I’m just so apathetic to this entire fucking franchise and, if anything, it saddens me.
There are two good things about this movie, and I’m going to address them now and then never speak of it again. The first is the soundtrack. The second is the fact that there’s only going to be one more Twilight movie, and then I’m never going to be subjected to sitting through another one with my mother ever again.
Should you go see this movie? Do whatever you fucking want, I don’t care. What would I rate it? I fucking wouldn’t.
PS, Stephanie Meyer: Fuck you. If you make a useless 5 second cameo in the last movie, as you have in every other movie, I swear to God, I’m sending your kids pamphlets about abortion and prophylactics and also homosexuality. I will send pornographic content to your children on their respective eighteenth birthdays, along with a note that says “Just try the tip, just to see how it feels! It’s not sinful if it doesn’t go all the way in!”, and when your daughter comes home pregnant at eighteen I won’t even feel bad because, according to your books, you’d be TOTALLY OK WITH THAT.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Batman: Year One Review
And here it is, finally, the movie version of one of the most respected and revered Batman stories of all time: Frank Miller's Year One. Helmed by Batman Animated vet/creator Bruce Timm, Year One paints a fascinating, often dark and disturbing, re imaging of Batman's beginnings and ranks with Under The Red Hood and Dark Knight as one of the best Batman movies, animated or otherwise.
The story, however, is as much Gordon's as it is Batman's. It begins with two arrivals - Bruce Wayne after 12 years abroad and Lieutenant Gordon, as punishment for trying to clean up the last precinct he was at. This is a different Gordon, and a different Bruce Wayne, to the ones we've seen in previous interpretations. Wayne is younger, angrier, more inexperienced and Gordon is shown as much more capable and driven he is normally given credit for, and it's his story that really shines in Year One. His fear for his pregnant wife and unborn son in Gotham's dark world brings to mind Brad Pitt's dilemma in Se7en, thankfully without the brutal ramifications. Batman's story is fantastic, and the change of perspective and presentation shed knew lights on old events, but it is one we are familiar with so it loses out next to Gordon's.
The art direction is fantastic and well up to the quality we've come to expect from a Bruce Timm production. The character designs are all faithful to their comic counterparts, though often younger than we're used to seeing. It's nice to see the images of the comics in the credits for people like me who have never had the chance to read the story, and to see how strikingly similar they are to the movie.
The voice acting is also superb. Bryan Cranston (of Breaking Bad fame) delivers a believable and very human Gordon, Katee Sackhoff (Battlestar Galactica) is fantastic, if a little underused, as Detective Essen and Benjamin McKenzie delivers a very different, and surprisingly effective, Wayne/Batman. While in my heart, Kevin Conroy will always be the voice of animated Batman, I have to admit he wouldn't have worked in this interpretations. McKenzie brings an arrogance, youth and uncertainty to both Wayne and Batman that Conroy couldn't deliver. Eliza Dushku also stars as Selina Kyle/Catwoman, who's origins wind, almost sensually, around the twin stories. She also shines in the included Catwoman short film, which is the best Catwoman I've seen so far. I hope to see more of her and that interpretation.
Clocking in at just under an hour, Year One still manages to pack in more story than the average 90-100 minute film. Sam Liu and Lauren Montgomery's direction is flawless, not a single frame of film is wasted, and the pacing is masterful. Don't let the animated style fool you, this is a very dark, very adult, and very fantastic interpretation of the Batman universe. It's filled with fan service, with hints at characters such as Vicki Vale, Hervey Dent and more scattered throughout. About all that's missing is a strong Batman theme, though Christopher Drake's score is effective, if not very memorable.
This is a film to be enjoyed by all, from the most die-hard Bat-freak, to a first time watcher. I can't recommend it strongly enough. if you've ever enjoyed anything to do with Batman, then this film is for you. I guarantee you will enjoy it.
The story, however, is as much Gordon's as it is Batman's. It begins with two arrivals - Bruce Wayne after 12 years abroad and Lieutenant Gordon, as punishment for trying to clean up the last precinct he was at. This is a different Gordon, and a different Bruce Wayne, to the ones we've seen in previous interpretations. Wayne is younger, angrier, more inexperienced and Gordon is shown as much more capable and driven he is normally given credit for, and it's his story that really shines in Year One. His fear for his pregnant wife and unborn son in Gotham's dark world brings to mind Brad Pitt's dilemma in Se7en, thankfully without the brutal ramifications. Batman's story is fantastic, and the change of perspective and presentation shed knew lights on old events, but it is one we are familiar with so it loses out next to Gordon's.
The art direction is fantastic and well up to the quality we've come to expect from a Bruce Timm production. The character designs are all faithful to their comic counterparts, though often younger than we're used to seeing. It's nice to see the images of the comics in the credits for people like me who have never had the chance to read the story, and to see how strikingly similar they are to the movie.
The voice acting is also superb. Bryan Cranston (of Breaking Bad fame) delivers a believable and very human Gordon, Katee Sackhoff (Battlestar Galactica) is fantastic, if a little underused, as Detective Essen and Benjamin McKenzie delivers a very different, and surprisingly effective, Wayne/Batman. While in my heart, Kevin Conroy will always be the voice of animated Batman, I have to admit he wouldn't have worked in this interpretations. McKenzie brings an arrogance, youth and uncertainty to both Wayne and Batman that Conroy couldn't deliver. Eliza Dushku also stars as Selina Kyle/Catwoman, who's origins wind, almost sensually, around the twin stories. She also shines in the included Catwoman short film, which is the best Catwoman I've seen so far. I hope to see more of her and that interpretation.
Clocking in at just under an hour, Year One still manages to pack in more story than the average 90-100 minute film. Sam Liu and Lauren Montgomery's direction is flawless, not a single frame of film is wasted, and the pacing is masterful. Don't let the animated style fool you, this is a very dark, very adult, and very fantastic interpretation of the Batman universe. It's filled with fan service, with hints at characters such as Vicki Vale, Hervey Dent and more scattered throughout. About all that's missing is a strong Batman theme, though Christopher Drake's score is effective, if not very memorable.
This is a film to be enjoyed by all, from the most die-hard Bat-freak, to a first time watcher. I can't recommend it strongly enough. if you've ever enjoyed anything to do with Batman, then this film is for you. I guarantee you will enjoy it.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Game of the Year 2011
The Nominees:
And the winner is:
- The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Bethesda Games Studios
- The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings - CD Project RED
- Dark Souls - From Software
- Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception - Naughty Dog
- Catherine - Atlus
- Bastion - Supergiant Games
And the winner is:
Dark Souls
Whilst every game on this list is easily deserving of the title Game of the Year, there can only be one winner. To be honest, I'm probably as surprised as you are. But Dark Souls has sucked me in and thrilled me like no game I've ever played. No other game challenges you so deeply, but rewards you so strongly. You feel like you are growing with your character, and after hours of playing, you begin to feel like you are a part of this world. With a combat system that rewards skill and patience over blindly attacking, Dark Souls makes you feel like a true warrior as you study each enemies patterns and weaknesses, looking for the perfect time to strike. The real challenge of Dark Souls comes from having to be at the top of your game all the time whilst you are playing. Exploration is often greeted with swift death to the unwary traveller, and this can tax on you, the gamer, as much as it must tax on the protagonist. The game is tied together by an interesting a deep lore, revealed in tantalising chunks as much by the world around you as NPC interaction, which is few and fa between. The game relies on you, the player, to go out and work out how things work. A brief tutorial gets you used to the basic controls and mechanics, but most of what it teaches you you won't even realise you've learnt until much later on. The clever open world is linked by a series of hidden pathways and shortcuts, and each time you unlock one, you feel like you're having a real impact on the world around. Also incredibly unique is the clever and surprisingly fun and effective multiplayer. From glimpsing the phantoms of other players around you, to reading messages left in the ground, and even summoning or invading other players, Dark Souls' multiplayer helps you feel like you're not alone in this dark and unforgiving world. As the first friendly NPC stipulates, you are not the first Chosen Undead, nor will you be the last; but the journey is long and rewarding for those who have the strength of character to rise to the challenge. So congratulations, Dark Souls. The title of Game of the Year is unequivocally, and deservedly, yours.
I leave you with some trailers to enjoy:
2011 Game Awards Part 2
Smexy - best graphics
Nominees:
Whoo, boy. This is going to be a big one. I'll get through it in as few a words as possible. We start with the honourable mentions, as so:
Portal 2 - for proving you can push an ageing engine to new and beautiful places. Sure, it won't win any beauty contests, but it's like that woman you ask out cause you think she's twenty, but turns out she's thirty five.
Bulletstorm - for finally providing a colour other than brown to the Unreal Engine. Aren't colours wonderful?
There's been some incredibly pretty games this year, starting with Crysis 2. Running on the mindbogglingly pretty CryEngine 3, further optimisations meant it didn't take Jesus's desktop to run it. Sadly, before the Dx11 patch, PC gamers felt wrong, justifiably. With very little in the way of customisation, Crysis 2 loses for being a dodgy port and pretending it isn't. Dead Space 2 is gorgeous, too, and runs unbelievably smoothly. I get 60fps consistent with all settings maxed. Special mention for the incredible lighting. The Road Hog engine of Hard Reset has incredible lighting, too. Incredible everything, really, but suffers from poor optimisation. Even at lower settings I struggled to get a consistent frame rate above 30fps, which really messes with the fast paced action. While Dark Souls might not be the prettiest game, it has a better sense of aesthetics than nearly every game on this list .Sadly, it's limited by the hardware and suffers from some pretty noticeable frame rate drops at times. Uncharted 3 is sadly limited by the hardware, too, though you'd be hard pressed to find a better looking game on the system. A special mention again for Naughty Dog's thorough attention to detail, right down to the tiny ripples and footprints in the sand, which has to be a pain to animate. Trine 2, as I've mentioned twice before, is achingly beautiful, with varied locations, and bustling backgrounds. Sadly, the character design is a little unvaried and underdetailed, but it is by far one of the best looking games this year, and from a little indie studio, too. RAGE looked to stun with it's idtech 5 engine, but suffered from shocking bugs on release, rendering multiple copies completely unplayable, even to this day. Also the MegaTexture tech causes atrocious pop in. However, it has some of the best character animations I'v ever seen in a game. Skyrim's Creation Engine provides the greatest looking Elder Scrolls to date, but sadly, it's focus on consoles means it's running in Direct X 9, of all things, with no Direct X 10 or 11 support announced as of yet. Plagued by painfully low res textures, Skyrim disappointed a bit on the graphics front. However, the modders have been hard at work making Bethesda's game into what it should have been had the artists been given the freedom they so desperately need. That leaves only two. And in second place, we have:
Battlefield 3 - I'm sorry BF3. The Frostbite engine is truly a work of art, but between the lens flares, the dust clouds, the smoke, and god knows what else, you don't give me really that much of a chance to enjoy it. Still, it runs well and it's all but bug free.
And that leaves only The Witcher 2, hands down the most beautiful game ever created. Combining incredible hand crafted technology, with a wonderful aesthetic, The Witcher 2 proved that sometimes if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself. Even running at it's lowest settings, The Witcher 2 outclasses almost every other game released this year. Bravo, CD Project RED, you sure made one damn Smexy game.
Sing The Song, Vern - the best soundtrack
Nominees:
Every game mentioned on this list has a soundtrack so good I went out a bought a copy of it. Every one. Except Portal 2, which was released free. And Bastion, which I got a free download of through IGN Prime. I really, really struggled to pick a winner here, and I won't talk about each individually because nothing I say in words can match them, you have to listen for yourself. So I'll just say that I gave the award to Bastion, for weaving together music and game so well that if it had any other soundtrack, I believe the game would not work. If you can, find footage of Zia's Song, or the scene towards the end SPOILERS HUGE SPOILERS where you have to save Zulf from his own people and his song plays in the background END SPOILERS.
I Preferred the Book - best story
Nominees:
Despite the strong movement towards it, great stories in video games are still few and far between. This award honours those games that bother to rise above the much and give me reason to play. Or even better, make me care. While games like Portal 2 and Dark Souls don't have much in the way of a story, it's how they tell it that makes it special. Both games provide the story in bite size chunks and let the player work it out for themselves, although Dark Souls is definitely the more vague of the two, which I love. It shows as much as it tells, which is a critical device that games so often fail to grasp. Although borrowing heavily from The Last Crusade, it's Uncharted 3's character studies that make it so interesting, especially it's de mystifying of Drake, revealing his arrogance and deceit and showing that he causes as much harm as good to those who would give anything for him, especially his old friend Sully. Skyward Sword represents the first time in the series history that it's scope for cinematic story telling and it's prowess and abilities have finally met, creating a fitting sequel to the 25 year franchise. Still could use voice acting though. Crysis 2's story was written by sci-fi author Richard K. Morgan and weaved a delicious tale of trans-humanism akin to Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Both cast you as the link between man and machine, and show you through the eyes of those your technology most threatens, although Deus Ex makes a much bigger moral grey area out of this. In the end they both fall short of really examining the issue though. Catherine should be applauded for finally showing there's more to mature than sex and violence, presenting a middle age man and his growing fear of commitment. All the craziness aside, it's really a metaphor for the fear of responsibility, of becoming a husband, a father, and adult. Vincent's character arc alone makes this a fascinating story. Arkham City did the right thing, yet again, by hiring writer Paul Dini, who wrote some of the greatest Batman: Animated Series episodes to craft a dense, lore-faithful, twisting and delicious web of intrigue for Batman to unravel. Helped along by a brilliant voice cast, if it wasn't for the over-saturation, Arkham City could have easily won this one. Bastion took a different approach to story telling, with a constant unreliable narration from "the stranger" following you wherever you went. But it was the conclusion that did it for me, ten gut-wrenching minutes and pure joy and sorrow. I cried like a little girl. I fell in love. I felt fear, hate, anger, I felt changed for the experience. And when Zia spoke for the first time, her voice as beautiful as the song she had sung when we first met, I realised I would do anything for her. That is how you tell a story. And so the award goes to Bastion, well deserved. However, some of you may have noticed I missed a game. Sadly, The Wicher 2 is based off a book already, so It's story was guaranteed to be extraordinary, which it is. But great story or not, it is not one written for the game, so it sadly cannot win the award. It is an incredible story though, filled with characters you care about, incredible settings, and enough political intrigue to impress the most avid Game of Thrones reader.
That leaves only one award. The Game of the Year. Who will take it? Tune in tomorrow, and find out:)
Nominees:
- Battlefield 3 - DICE (Frostbite 3)
- Cysis 2 - Crytek (CryEngine 3)
- The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings - CD Project RED (RED Engine)
- Hard Reset - Flying Wild Hog (Road Hog Engine)
- Bulletstorm - People Can Fly (Unreal 3)
- Dead Space 2 - Visceral Games (Visceral Engine)
- Portal 2 - Valve (Source Engine)
- Dark Souls - From Software (PhyreEngine) (PS3)
- Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception (Naughty Dog Engine 3.0) (PS3)
- Trine 2 - FrozenByte (Don't know, but it's pretty)
- RAGE - id (idteach 5)
- The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Bethesda (Creation Engine)
Whoo, boy. This is going to be a big one. I'll get through it in as few a words as possible. We start with the honourable mentions, as so:
Portal 2 - for proving you can push an ageing engine to new and beautiful places. Sure, it won't win any beauty contests, but it's like that woman you ask out cause you think she's twenty, but turns out she's thirty five.
Bulletstorm - for finally providing a colour other than brown to the Unreal Engine. Aren't colours wonderful?
There's been some incredibly pretty games this year, starting with Crysis 2. Running on the mindbogglingly pretty CryEngine 3, further optimisations meant it didn't take Jesus's desktop to run it. Sadly, before the Dx11 patch, PC gamers felt wrong, justifiably. With very little in the way of customisation, Crysis 2 loses for being a dodgy port and pretending it isn't. Dead Space 2 is gorgeous, too, and runs unbelievably smoothly. I get 60fps consistent with all settings maxed. Special mention for the incredible lighting. The Road Hog engine of Hard Reset has incredible lighting, too. Incredible everything, really, but suffers from poor optimisation. Even at lower settings I struggled to get a consistent frame rate above 30fps, which really messes with the fast paced action. While Dark Souls might not be the prettiest game, it has a better sense of aesthetics than nearly every game on this list .Sadly, it's limited by the hardware and suffers from some pretty noticeable frame rate drops at times. Uncharted 3 is sadly limited by the hardware, too, though you'd be hard pressed to find a better looking game on the system. A special mention again for Naughty Dog's thorough attention to detail, right down to the tiny ripples and footprints in the sand, which has to be a pain to animate. Trine 2, as I've mentioned twice before, is achingly beautiful, with varied locations, and bustling backgrounds. Sadly, the character design is a little unvaried and underdetailed, but it is by far one of the best looking games this year, and from a little indie studio, too. RAGE looked to stun with it's idtech 5 engine, but suffered from shocking bugs on release, rendering multiple copies completely unplayable, even to this day. Also the MegaTexture tech causes atrocious pop in. However, it has some of the best character animations I'v ever seen in a game. Skyrim's Creation Engine provides the greatest looking Elder Scrolls to date, but sadly, it's focus on consoles means it's running in Direct X 9, of all things, with no Direct X 10 or 11 support announced as of yet. Plagued by painfully low res textures, Skyrim disappointed a bit on the graphics front. However, the modders have been hard at work making Bethesda's game into what it should have been had the artists been given the freedom they so desperately need. That leaves only two. And in second place, we have:
Battlefield 3 - I'm sorry BF3. The Frostbite engine is truly a work of art, but between the lens flares, the dust clouds, the smoke, and god knows what else, you don't give me really that much of a chance to enjoy it. Still, it runs well and it's all but bug free.
And that leaves only The Witcher 2, hands down the most beautiful game ever created. Combining incredible hand crafted technology, with a wonderful aesthetic, The Witcher 2 proved that sometimes if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself. Even running at it's lowest settings, The Witcher 2 outclasses almost every other game released this year. Bravo, CD Project RED, you sure made one damn Smexy game.
Sing The Song, Vern - the best soundtrack
Nominees:
- Bastion - Darren Korb
- Uncharted 3 - Greg Edmonson
- Skyrim - Jeremy Soule
- Dark Souls - Motoi Sakuraba
- Catherine - Shoji Meguro
- Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword - Koji Kondo
- Portal 2 - Mike Morasky
- Witcher 2 - Adam Skorupa, Krzysztof Wierzynkiewicz
Every game mentioned on this list has a soundtrack so good I went out a bought a copy of it. Every one. Except Portal 2, which was released free. And Bastion, which I got a free download of through IGN Prime. I really, really struggled to pick a winner here, and I won't talk about each individually because nothing I say in words can match them, you have to listen for yourself. So I'll just say that I gave the award to Bastion, for weaving together music and game so well that if it had any other soundtrack, I believe the game would not work. If you can, find footage of Zia's Song, or the scene towards the end SPOILERS HUGE SPOILERS where you have to save Zulf from his own people and his song plays in the background END SPOILERS.
I Preferred the Book - best story
Nominees:
- Portal 2 - Eric Waplow, Jay PInkerton, Chet Faliszek
- Bastion - Greg Kasavian
- Dark Souls - From Software
- Uncharted 3 - Naughty Dog
- Catherine - Atlus
- Skyward Sword - Nintendo
- The Witcher 2 - Andrzej Sapkowski
- Crysis 2 - Richard K. Morgan
- Batman: Arkham City - Paul Dini
- Deus Ex: Human Revolutions - Eidos Montreal
Despite the strong movement towards it, great stories in video games are still few and far between. This award honours those games that bother to rise above the much and give me reason to play. Or even better, make me care. While games like Portal 2 and Dark Souls don't have much in the way of a story, it's how they tell it that makes it special. Both games provide the story in bite size chunks and let the player work it out for themselves, although Dark Souls is definitely the more vague of the two, which I love. It shows as much as it tells, which is a critical device that games so often fail to grasp. Although borrowing heavily from The Last Crusade, it's Uncharted 3's character studies that make it so interesting, especially it's de mystifying of Drake, revealing his arrogance and deceit and showing that he causes as much harm as good to those who would give anything for him, especially his old friend Sully. Skyward Sword represents the first time in the series history that it's scope for cinematic story telling and it's prowess and abilities have finally met, creating a fitting sequel to the 25 year franchise. Still could use voice acting though. Crysis 2's story was written by sci-fi author Richard K. Morgan and weaved a delicious tale of trans-humanism akin to Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Both cast you as the link between man and machine, and show you through the eyes of those your technology most threatens, although Deus Ex makes a much bigger moral grey area out of this. In the end they both fall short of really examining the issue though. Catherine should be applauded for finally showing there's more to mature than sex and violence, presenting a middle age man and his growing fear of commitment. All the craziness aside, it's really a metaphor for the fear of responsibility, of becoming a husband, a father, and adult. Vincent's character arc alone makes this a fascinating story. Arkham City did the right thing, yet again, by hiring writer Paul Dini, who wrote some of the greatest Batman: Animated Series episodes to craft a dense, lore-faithful, twisting and delicious web of intrigue for Batman to unravel. Helped along by a brilliant voice cast, if it wasn't for the over-saturation, Arkham City could have easily won this one. Bastion took a different approach to story telling, with a constant unreliable narration from "the stranger" following you wherever you went. But it was the conclusion that did it for me, ten gut-wrenching minutes and pure joy and sorrow. I cried like a little girl. I fell in love. I felt fear, hate, anger, I felt changed for the experience. And when Zia spoke for the first time, her voice as beautiful as the song she had sung when we first met, I realised I would do anything for her. That is how you tell a story. And so the award goes to Bastion, well deserved. However, some of you may have noticed I missed a game. Sadly, The Wicher 2 is based off a book already, so It's story was guaranteed to be extraordinary, which it is. But great story or not, it is not one written for the game, so it sadly cannot win the award. It is an incredible story though, filled with characters you care about, incredible settings, and enough political intrigue to impress the most avid Game of Thrones reader.
That leaves only one award. The Game of the Year. Who will take it? Tune in tomorrow, and find out:)
2011 Game Awards
This year has been an important one in gaming. A year full of sequels, prequels, reboots and some true gaming gems. While the triple- A titles have battled for supremacy, the indie developers have seized the opportunity to release some truly incredible games, and so we start off this "awards" ceremony with an award I like to call "The Underdog". Disclaimer - I am only including games that I myself have played. All awards are my own opinion, you are entitled to disagree to your heart's content. All games are PC unless otherwise specified.
The Underdog - best 'indie' game
Nominees:
Boom, Headshot - best shooter
Nominees:
While this year has definitely been the shooter season, I ave grown tired of shooters, of both the First and Third-Person perspective and as such, have played very few. I cannot tell you whether MW3 beats BF3's face into the dirt, nor do really care. There were really only two shooters this year that stood out for me high above the rest. The first is Crysis 2. Taking almost all of what made the first game fun, and mixing in an intriguing trans-humanism//alien-invasion story and changing the setting from jungle to New York, Crysis 2 further proved with Crytek is one of the most respected FPS developers. Sadly the experience was mired by too much linearity, glaring omission of a quicksave feature, dodgy enemy AI and atrocious PC support. While I refuse to contribute to the debate between console and PC, I still refuse to pay top-dollar for a dodgy port on my system - be it console port to PC, or PC port to console. Especially from a primarily PC-exclusive developer. DICE managed to avoid this problem, providing a mostly solid pC experience, but stuffing it up with the compulsory use of EA's Origin (a controversy all to itself), and the clumsy Battlelog system. The game itself disappointed with an atrocious single-player, and a surprisingly buggy multiplayer. Still, no one can deny that DICE still rules the online arena, if that is your thing, and the mix of vehicular and foot-soldier combat is still unique and thrilling. Bulletstorm had so much incredible potential - helmed by Painkiller's People Can Fly and a fuck-it-all attitude, Bulletstorm ultimately failed by relying to much on Epic Games. While it pushed the Unreal engine into incredible territories (it remains probably the best looking game on that engine), it felt too torn between two identities - the serious, machismo two-weapons cover-based Epic game, and the crazy, over-the-top humour and weapons People Can Fly game. RAGE stood out strong as well, helmed by the creators of the FPS, id. And while no on will deny how gorgeous idtech 5 is, it's bug laden release that saw a large majority of games on PC unplayable and McCormic's continual mocking and humiliation of the PC crowd stirred much controversy for the once kings of the genre. The game itself was good, maybe even great, with a fun combination of third-person vehicle racing and combat with first person shooting, and the ability to carry an infinite arsenal was a fun return to form, but overall, it felt to stuck in its old ways and played to similar to previous id games to really stand out. And while Eidos' Deus Ex delivered on nearly all it promised, it was ultimately the shooting that let it down. Weapons felt clumsy and underpowered, and the protagonist simply couldn't survive a gunfight with a half decent enemy. Throw in hopelessly outdated bossfights, and the 'shooter' part of Deus Ex is a disappointing offering. So the winner of the Boom, Headshot award for best shooter goes, unanimously, to Saints Row: The Third which brings the fun back into, not only shooters, but games in general. With the attitude of why be serious, when you can be fun, Volition gives the player access to a ridiculous arsenal, including laser-guided missiles, MegaMan's rocket blaster, a gun that shoots mind-controlling octopuses and many, many, many more.
Obligatory Dragon - best RPG
Nominees:
This has really been an RPG year for me, as anyone who knows me will tell you. It started off with Dragon Age 2. While most complained about the more streamlined approach of the sequel, I loved the characters, the story and the new fast-paced combat. I loved how my character now had a voice, I loved how if I was sarcastic in my conversation responses, it would alter my characters personality in uncontrolled conversation. I loved how it tied in with the first game, further building the mythology over many years. I loved how it treated relationships as more than just sex. I didn't enjoy the recycled locations. I didn't enjoy the uninteresting bossfights. Still, both Mark of the Assassin and Legacy provided further refinements and new characters and locations, hinting at just how incredible Dragon Age 3 might be. And please Bioware, for the love of God, bring back Tallis. Next, there was The Witcher 2. Seemingly lightyears above CD Project RED's previous Witcher game, which relied on Bioware's ageing engine and questionable combat mechanics, but still impressed with it's story, The Witcher 2 presented one of the greatest Action-RPG experiences ever. Moving into a third-person perspective, pulling you in close to truly marvel at CD Project's incredible RED Engine; The Witcher 2 drew you into it's world with it's visuals, tight, challenging combat, deep moral choices and a story that truly made you fee like you had an impact on the world around you. Every single mission, even the usual inconsequential fetch quests felt like an important part of the story and often left you in cloudy moral grey areas. Then there was Human Revolution, a prequel to the incredible Deus Ex, that did so much right, but somehow failed to capture what made the original so special. Still, it almost rivalled The Witcher 2 in it's deepness, and it's "play how you want" mechanics were refreshing. And of course, who could look past Skyrim, a game I'm still playing, 120 hours in. Improving just about everything over the previous entries, Skyrim provided just about the best open-dowhatyouwant-penandpaper RPG you can find. With innumerable quests and an epic, interesting main story line, Skyrim was all set to win this award, until I stumble into the true winner. And the surprise winner of the Obligatory Dragon, thus named as every single game on this list, bar Deus Ex, contains at least one - goes to Dark Souls. While I had played From's first dark-fantasy brutal action-RPG Demon's Souls, it had lost me with it's seemingly insurmountable difficulty. It broke me, it's fair to say. However, I loved the combat and the unique world it created, so when I was feeling like a break from Skyrim, I found a copy on sale at my local game store and threw it in. And despite the fact that it kicks my arse over and over again, I've fallen in love. Unexplainable, deep, immovable love. And so, Dark Souls is really the winner. Hands down.
Sandcastles in the Sand - best Sandbox
Nominees:
There's also been a fair helping of Open-World or Sandbox style games this year, especially outside the usual RPG offerings. Out of all, Rage is probably the most criminally underused, with literally nothing to do outside the main towns except drive around and engage in vehicle combat. There's nothing to explore or discover that the main story won't take you to anyway. LA:Noire also felt like an necessary sandbox. It reminded me of Mafia, in that all the driving about the world sections could easily have been skipped entirely and there was literally nothing to find out there. Not even collectibles, for God's sake. Batman: Arkham City did much better, successfully expanding Batman from inside the Asylum grounds to inside an entire city, but suffered from the opposite problem of that there was just far too much too do. It missed Asylum's pacing and sense of progression, instead boggling the mind with an over-abundance of collectibles so it feels like you're never making any progress towards the final goal. I did enjoy how each criminal had a specific section and how it really felt like Gotham City, though. That was fantastic. And gliding around as Batman, stalking the rooftops, never really got old. Dark Souls proved you could have claustrophobia even in the most open of worlds, with fantastic level design through shortcuts and looping pathways, all linked by bonfires. It really succeeds at drawing you into the world and making it feel like a real place, and discovering new shortcuts and hidden secrets never gets old. Volition provides an almost endless amount of stuff to do in Saints Row, but the city itself is lifeless and uninteresting. I could drive through the same spot time and time again and not realise it. There's just no sense of place or interest in the world. In the end, the award goes deservedly to Skyrim, for crafting an incredibly huge world, and managing to fill it with over 150 hand crafted dungeons, secrets, quests, treasures and just incredible places to explore. Each place feel wondrous and amazing, even hours and hours in. And you never knew when you'll stumble on a dragon, or an interesting NPC, or a treasure chest. NO other game gives you so much reason to just go out and explore. Sandcastles in the Sand indeed, Bethesda.
The Call of the Wild - best adventure game
Nominees:
I have to be honest, of the four nominees I have not played Skyward Sword. However, I ave watched my sister play it and look forward to playing it myself when she's done. It's seems to have improved and evolved far from Ocarina of Time's legacy and stands proud on it's own. Sadly, it still suffers from a lack of voice acting, lengthy, unskippable walls of texts and a lot of trekking back and forth. LA: Noire was one of the games I was most excited for this year. It seemed to combine my two big loves: Film Noire and detective fiction. However, what it presented was a disappointing mess of dodgy mechanics and hand holding. While the facial animation was indeed spectacular, the game was so rigidly linear they may as well have not used it. Batman: Arkham City was an almost flawless game, building on it's already beyond reproach debut and expanding the local and cast, truly pushing Batman, and the player, to their limit. The combat system was tweaked and perfected and flying around the city as Batman never gets old. Never has a company made the player fel so much like their character as the Arkham series has. Sadly, Arkham City suffered from an overstuffing of everything, to the point it became a complete overload. No one will deny it is an incredible and must play game, but it loses the sense of intense pacing and focus the first game had, instead giving us a Batman overload. So The Call of the Wild award goes, somewhat fittingly, to Uncharted 3, the crowning jewel in this incredible series. With incredible graphics, satisfying and diverse gameplay, and a story that took the characters to a dark and personal place, whilst also paying homage to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Uncharted 3 felt like Naughty Dog at the top of their game. Their astute eye for minute detail fills the entire game, it has a level of polish almost unseen these days. Not to mention an extraordinary performance by the voice cast, all at the top of their game, and a moving score by Greg Edmonson (of Firefly fame). If only every developer had the level of dedication and professionalism of Naughty Dog, imagine the calibre of games we would see.
Mind = Blown - best puzzle game
Nominees:
I kinda hate puzzle games. I'm really bad at them. So it's got to look damn good for me to even want to play it, and their were three games this year that did that for me. I spoke about Trine 2 earlier in the indie category and probably the only reason it isn't the winner here is because there's often too much getting in the way of puzzling, which is a mortal sin for a puzzle game. If I'm really struggling to wrap my head around a puzzle, the last thing I want is to be interrupted with dodgy combat. It doesn't do it often, but when it does, it drives me mad. However, the physics based puzzles are damn fun and mind-bending at times. The same with Portal 2, the follow up to Valve's surprise hit Portal. Released by a small team as a little filler on the Orange Box, Portal wowed with it's unique puzzles and, of course, GLaDOS. The sequel, developed by all of Valve this time, expanded on everything: more puzzles, more GLaDOS, more Steven Melchett, more comedy, more mind melt, more JK Simmons. And lemons. And Nolan North. Sadly, being a sequel, it didn't have the revelatory sense of originality of it's predecessor, and therefore could not snag the award from Catherine. Ah, Catherine. How you teased me, how you pained me, how you kicked me to the ground then kissed my wounds better. This is not a game you can describe in words the wonder of it. Part block-puzzler, part dating-sim, part fucked-up anime, Catherine truly is a sum of all its part. A frightfully original, devious, erotic, challenging and rewarding experience from Persona's Atlus, Catherine win's the Mind = Blown award - hands down. Seriously, play this damn game. Do it.
The Underdog - best 'indie' game
Nominees:
- Bastion - Supergiant Games
- The Binding of Isaac - Edmund McMillen/Florian Himsl
- Trine 2 - Frozenbyte
- Hard Reset - Flying Wild Hog
- Hydrophobia: Prophecy - Dark Energy Digital
Boom, Headshot - best shooter
Nominees:
- Crysis 2 - Crytek
- Bulletstorm - People Can Fly/Epic Games
- Deus Ex: Human Revolution - Eidos Montreal
- Battlefield 3 - DICE
- RAGE - id
- Saints Row: The Third - Volition
While this year has definitely been the shooter season, I ave grown tired of shooters, of both the First and Third-Person perspective and as such, have played very few. I cannot tell you whether MW3 beats BF3's face into the dirt, nor do really care. There were really only two shooters this year that stood out for me high above the rest. The first is Crysis 2. Taking almost all of what made the first game fun, and mixing in an intriguing trans-humanism//alien-invasion story and changing the setting from jungle to New York, Crysis 2 further proved with Crytek is one of the most respected FPS developers. Sadly the experience was mired by too much linearity, glaring omission of a quicksave feature, dodgy enemy AI and atrocious PC support. While I refuse to contribute to the debate between console and PC, I still refuse to pay top-dollar for a dodgy port on my system - be it console port to PC, or PC port to console. Especially from a primarily PC-exclusive developer. DICE managed to avoid this problem, providing a mostly solid pC experience, but stuffing it up with the compulsory use of EA's Origin (a controversy all to itself), and the clumsy Battlelog system. The game itself disappointed with an atrocious single-player, and a surprisingly buggy multiplayer. Still, no one can deny that DICE still rules the online arena, if that is your thing, and the mix of vehicular and foot-soldier combat is still unique and thrilling. Bulletstorm had so much incredible potential - helmed by Painkiller's People Can Fly and a fuck-it-all attitude, Bulletstorm ultimately failed by relying to much on Epic Games. While it pushed the Unreal engine into incredible territories (it remains probably the best looking game on that engine), it felt too torn between two identities - the serious, machismo two-weapons cover-based Epic game, and the crazy, over-the-top humour and weapons People Can Fly game. RAGE stood out strong as well, helmed by the creators of the FPS, id. And while no on will deny how gorgeous idtech 5 is, it's bug laden release that saw a large majority of games on PC unplayable and McCormic's continual mocking and humiliation of the PC crowd stirred much controversy for the once kings of the genre. The game itself was good, maybe even great, with a fun combination of third-person vehicle racing and combat with first person shooting, and the ability to carry an infinite arsenal was a fun return to form, but overall, it felt to stuck in its old ways and played to similar to previous id games to really stand out. And while Eidos' Deus Ex delivered on nearly all it promised, it was ultimately the shooting that let it down. Weapons felt clumsy and underpowered, and the protagonist simply couldn't survive a gunfight with a half decent enemy. Throw in hopelessly outdated bossfights, and the 'shooter' part of Deus Ex is a disappointing offering. So the winner of the Boom, Headshot award for best shooter goes, unanimously, to Saints Row: The Third which brings the fun back into, not only shooters, but games in general. With the attitude of why be serious, when you can be fun, Volition gives the player access to a ridiculous arsenal, including laser-guided missiles, MegaMan's rocket blaster, a gun that shoots mind-controlling octopuses and many, many, many more.
Obligatory Dragon - best RPG
Nominees:
- The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Bethesda Game Studios
- The Witcher 2: Assassin of Kings - CD Project RED
- Dragon Age 2 - Bioware
- Dark Souls - From Software (PS3)
- Deus Ex: Human Revolution - Eidos Montreal
This has really been an RPG year for me, as anyone who knows me will tell you. It started off with Dragon Age 2. While most complained about the more streamlined approach of the sequel, I loved the characters, the story and the new fast-paced combat. I loved how my character now had a voice, I loved how if I was sarcastic in my conversation responses, it would alter my characters personality in uncontrolled conversation. I loved how it tied in with the first game, further building the mythology over many years. I loved how it treated relationships as more than just sex. I didn't enjoy the recycled locations. I didn't enjoy the uninteresting bossfights. Still, both Mark of the Assassin and Legacy provided further refinements and new characters and locations, hinting at just how incredible Dragon Age 3 might be. And please Bioware, for the love of God, bring back Tallis. Next, there was The Witcher 2. Seemingly lightyears above CD Project RED's previous Witcher game, which relied on Bioware's ageing engine and questionable combat mechanics, but still impressed with it's story, The Witcher 2 presented one of the greatest Action-RPG experiences ever. Moving into a third-person perspective, pulling you in close to truly marvel at CD Project's incredible RED Engine; The Witcher 2 drew you into it's world with it's visuals, tight, challenging combat, deep moral choices and a story that truly made you fee like you had an impact on the world around you. Every single mission, even the usual inconsequential fetch quests felt like an important part of the story and often left you in cloudy moral grey areas. Then there was Human Revolution, a prequel to the incredible Deus Ex, that did so much right, but somehow failed to capture what made the original so special. Still, it almost rivalled The Witcher 2 in it's deepness, and it's "play how you want" mechanics were refreshing. And of course, who could look past Skyrim, a game I'm still playing, 120 hours in. Improving just about everything over the previous entries, Skyrim provided just about the best open-dowhatyouwant-penandpaper RPG you can find. With innumerable quests and an epic, interesting main story line, Skyrim was all set to win this award, until I stumble into the true winner. And the surprise winner of the Obligatory Dragon, thus named as every single game on this list, bar Deus Ex, contains at least one - goes to Dark Souls. While I had played From's first dark-fantasy brutal action-RPG Demon's Souls, it had lost me with it's seemingly insurmountable difficulty. It broke me, it's fair to say. However, I loved the combat and the unique world it created, so when I was feeling like a break from Skyrim, I found a copy on sale at my local game store and threw it in. And despite the fact that it kicks my arse over and over again, I've fallen in love. Unexplainable, deep, immovable love. And so, Dark Souls is really the winner. Hands down.
Sandcastles in the Sand - best Sandbox
Nominees:
- Saints Row: The Third - Volition
- Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Bethesda
- RAGE - id
- Batman: Arkham City - Rocksteady
- Dark Souls - From Software
- LA: Noire - Team Bondi/Rockstar
There's also been a fair helping of Open-World or Sandbox style games this year, especially outside the usual RPG offerings. Out of all, Rage is probably the most criminally underused, with literally nothing to do outside the main towns except drive around and engage in vehicle combat. There's nothing to explore or discover that the main story won't take you to anyway. LA:Noire also felt like an necessary sandbox. It reminded me of Mafia, in that all the driving about the world sections could easily have been skipped entirely and there was literally nothing to find out there. Not even collectibles, for God's sake. Batman: Arkham City did much better, successfully expanding Batman from inside the Asylum grounds to inside an entire city, but suffered from the opposite problem of that there was just far too much too do. It missed Asylum's pacing and sense of progression, instead boggling the mind with an over-abundance of collectibles so it feels like you're never making any progress towards the final goal. I did enjoy how each criminal had a specific section and how it really felt like Gotham City, though. That was fantastic. And gliding around as Batman, stalking the rooftops, never really got old. Dark Souls proved you could have claustrophobia even in the most open of worlds, with fantastic level design through shortcuts and looping pathways, all linked by bonfires. It really succeeds at drawing you into the world and making it feel like a real place, and discovering new shortcuts and hidden secrets never gets old. Volition provides an almost endless amount of stuff to do in Saints Row, but the city itself is lifeless and uninteresting. I could drive through the same spot time and time again and not realise it. There's just no sense of place or interest in the world. In the end, the award goes deservedly to Skyrim, for crafting an incredibly huge world, and managing to fill it with over 150 hand crafted dungeons, secrets, quests, treasures and just incredible places to explore. Each place feel wondrous and amazing, even hours and hours in. And you never knew when you'll stumble on a dragon, or an interesting NPC, or a treasure chest. NO other game gives you so much reason to just go out and explore. Sandcastles in the Sand indeed, Bethesda.
The Call of the Wild - best adventure game
Nominees:
- Batman: Arkham City - Rocksteady (PS3)
- Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception - Naughty Dog (PS3)
- LA: Noire - Team Bondi (PS3)
- Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword - Nintendo (Wii)
I have to be honest, of the four nominees I have not played Skyward Sword. However, I ave watched my sister play it and look forward to playing it myself when she's done. It's seems to have improved and evolved far from Ocarina of Time's legacy and stands proud on it's own. Sadly, it still suffers from a lack of voice acting, lengthy, unskippable walls of texts and a lot of trekking back and forth. LA: Noire was one of the games I was most excited for this year. It seemed to combine my two big loves: Film Noire and detective fiction. However, what it presented was a disappointing mess of dodgy mechanics and hand holding. While the facial animation was indeed spectacular, the game was so rigidly linear they may as well have not used it. Batman: Arkham City was an almost flawless game, building on it's already beyond reproach debut and expanding the local and cast, truly pushing Batman, and the player, to their limit. The combat system was tweaked and perfected and flying around the city as Batman never gets old. Never has a company made the player fel so much like their character as the Arkham series has. Sadly, Arkham City suffered from an overstuffing of everything, to the point it became a complete overload. No one will deny it is an incredible and must play game, but it loses the sense of intense pacing and focus the first game had, instead giving us a Batman overload. So The Call of the Wild award goes, somewhat fittingly, to Uncharted 3, the crowning jewel in this incredible series. With incredible graphics, satisfying and diverse gameplay, and a story that took the characters to a dark and personal place, whilst also paying homage to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Uncharted 3 felt like Naughty Dog at the top of their game. Their astute eye for minute detail fills the entire game, it has a level of polish almost unseen these days. Not to mention an extraordinary performance by the voice cast, all at the top of their game, and a moving score by Greg Edmonson (of Firefly fame). If only every developer had the level of dedication and professionalism of Naughty Dog, imagine the calibre of games we would see.
Mind = Blown - best puzzle game
Nominees:
- Portal 2 - Valve
- Trine 2 - Frozenbyte
- Catherine - Atlus (PS3)
I kinda hate puzzle games. I'm really bad at them. So it's got to look damn good for me to even want to play it, and their were three games this year that did that for me. I spoke about Trine 2 earlier in the indie category and probably the only reason it isn't the winner here is because there's often too much getting in the way of puzzling, which is a mortal sin for a puzzle game. If I'm really struggling to wrap my head around a puzzle, the last thing I want is to be interrupted with dodgy combat. It doesn't do it often, but when it does, it drives me mad. However, the physics based puzzles are damn fun and mind-bending at times. The same with Portal 2, the follow up to Valve's surprise hit Portal. Released by a small team as a little filler on the Orange Box, Portal wowed with it's unique puzzles and, of course, GLaDOS. The sequel, developed by all of Valve this time, expanded on everything: more puzzles, more GLaDOS, more Steven Melchett, more comedy, more mind melt, more JK Simmons. And lemons. And Nolan North. Sadly, being a sequel, it didn't have the revelatory sense of originality of it's predecessor, and therefore could not snag the award from Catherine. Ah, Catherine. How you teased me, how you pained me, how you kicked me to the ground then kissed my wounds better. This is not a game you can describe in words the wonder of it. Part block-puzzler, part dating-sim, part fucked-up anime, Catherine truly is a sum of all its part. A frightfully original, devious, erotic, challenging and rewarding experience from Persona's Atlus, Catherine win's the Mind = Blown award - hands down. Seriously, play this damn game. Do it.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Afterfall: Insanity Gameplay Preview
I'm figuring by now, quite a few people have heard of this little indie action/horror game thanks to it's surprisingly clever "$1 pre-order" marketing scheme. I got a chance to play the demo today, and, to be honest, I'm a little concerned.
Insanity puts you in the shoes of Dr. Tokaj (pronounced tokay) a psychiatrist/pharmacologist. See, Afterfall takes place in an alternate present where a fusion bomb was detonated during WWII that all but obliterated human life, save a lucky few who were fortunate enough to be part of the "Afterfall" initiative, a secret Polish project involving the usual bomb shelter/vault/end of days who-ha. Seems all is not perfect within these shelters though, thanks to Containment Syndrome, a kind of "cabin fever", or maybe a virus. To be honest, the set up in the demo was really thin so I'm making a lot of conjecture here as the whole Containment Cyndrome thing plays pretty strongly into the overall mystery. So Tokaj is is the usual smart-ass, reckless yet roguishly charming hero whose troubles with authority land him in various vats of hot water. The most recent, being sent down into the sub-levels to investigate "behaviour problems" cause by a suspected "chemical leak". You quickly find out the "behavioural problems" is bigdogspeak for "bat-shit crazy" as your little scouting party is attacked by a bunch of, well, bat-shit crazy people. Here you get your first taste of Afterfall's combat, a hybrid melee/shooter, with a heavy focus on caving dudes skulls in with whatever you can get your hands on. Melee combat is satisfyingly heavy, especially with the bigger fireaxes and hammers and the like. Choosing a smaller weapon like a crowbar does less damage, but allows you to work in a basic combo system. Deaths are satisfyingly gory as well. Combat is aided by a lock-on system that seemed to perform alright with one or two enemies at a time but became rather finicky when facing three or four. Better to just "spray and pay". Guns are sparse and suitably powerful but for the most part, in the demo at least, the focus seemed to be very much on getting up close and personal. Unfortunately, two problems arise here. Firstly, there is just way too many weapons available. Whether this is just a demo thing, I don't know, but there was at least one fireaxe in every room and no end to things that can be used to cave in skulls, which kind of weakens the "survival" feel. As does the fact that enemies, on the normal difficulty (the only one available in demo) do such insignificant damage they feel more of an inconvenience than anything. I didn't even realise there was a block till I stumbled on it by accident and never had to use it. Oh, and the controls are rather badly explained, too. Like the fact that you can climb and crouch contextually. I spent ages running around because I thought I was limited to horizontal plane like most Unreal games. Speaking of Unreal, the game uses it well, it looks great and runs butter smooth. Aesthetically it was a little too close to dead Space for my liking, though the later section when you get outside provided a nice, if stereotypical, post-apocalyptic world vista. Also, before I forget, regenerating health in survival horror? Really? You can't really justify that, can you?
Another key gameplay feature is Tokaj's fear levels, which increase as he becomes more afraid, blurring and distorting your vision and affecting your performance. I really liked this, reminded me of Amnesia. The trailers have hinted at Tokaj's decaying mental state (a mechanic sadly absent from the demo) and I really hope there is a strong focus on this, and not just the more throwaway feel of Dead Space 2 where it was almost always painfully obvious what was real or not.
Afterfall sems to suffer from an identity crisis. The tone is very hit and miss, and throughout the demo, it really struggled to maintain a consistent atmosphere. It's not creepy or scary or anything really. The second section of the demo, which takes place later in the game, managed a great atmosphere, even when it opened up from the tight corridors into the outdoors, but a completely out of place "giant boss" and a lighter section where you drop a container on top of enemies really threw me, tone wise. Are you Alien or Aliens, Aftefall? You really need to decide. Are you trying to scare me, or giving me free reign to carve out justice in monster faces? I just don't know.
Afterfall's one real big let down is audio, the most crucial part of any horror experience. Hopefully these are all demo related bugs, but I experienced crackling, cut-out, bad mixing, bad-syncing and the music was way too quite throughout. On the subject of music, it's of surprisingly good quality, though it hardly has the necessary effect when it's so low in the mix. Ambient sound effects were mostly effective, the usual array of footsteps, moans and groans, but seemed to just trigger at random, or only before confrontation, lessening the tension. Voice acting is also incredibly hit and miss, though that is to be expected of a localised game. Or what I presume is dubbing. God, I hope it's dubbing. And that's all I have to say about that.
EDIT: It appears the audio problems were with my speakers, not the game. My points about the voice acting still remain, though.
As I said at the start, Afterfall's demo has left me concerned. With it's release mere weeks away, there is little time to fix some of the more glaring issues. Still, I did enjoy my time and for an indie game with triple-A ambition, it is surprisingly decent. I already preordered so I can only hope my concern is misplaced and the final product is a flawed but enjoyable experience. But seriously guys, what's with the giant boss battle? And the regenerating health? Just because some big triple-A guys jumped off the cliff, doesn't mean you have to. That is all.
Insanity puts you in the shoes of Dr. Tokaj (pronounced tokay) a psychiatrist/pharmacologist. See, Afterfall takes place in an alternate present where a fusion bomb was detonated during WWII that all but obliterated human life, save a lucky few who were fortunate enough to be part of the "Afterfall" initiative, a secret Polish project involving the usual bomb shelter/vault/end of days who-ha. Seems all is not perfect within these shelters though, thanks to Containment Syndrome, a kind of "cabin fever", or maybe a virus. To be honest, the set up in the demo was really thin so I'm making a lot of conjecture here as the whole Containment Cyndrome thing plays pretty strongly into the overall mystery. So Tokaj is is the usual smart-ass, reckless yet roguishly charming hero whose troubles with authority land him in various vats of hot water. The most recent, being sent down into the sub-levels to investigate "behaviour problems" cause by a suspected "chemical leak". You quickly find out the "behavioural problems" is bigdogspeak for "bat-shit crazy" as your little scouting party is attacked by a bunch of, well, bat-shit crazy people. Here you get your first taste of Afterfall's combat, a hybrid melee/shooter, with a heavy focus on caving dudes skulls in with whatever you can get your hands on. Melee combat is satisfyingly heavy, especially with the bigger fireaxes and hammers and the like. Choosing a smaller weapon like a crowbar does less damage, but allows you to work in a basic combo system. Deaths are satisfyingly gory as well. Combat is aided by a lock-on system that seemed to perform alright with one or two enemies at a time but became rather finicky when facing three or four. Better to just "spray and pay". Guns are sparse and suitably powerful but for the most part, in the demo at least, the focus seemed to be very much on getting up close and personal. Unfortunately, two problems arise here. Firstly, there is just way too many weapons available. Whether this is just a demo thing, I don't know, but there was at least one fireaxe in every room and no end to things that can be used to cave in skulls, which kind of weakens the "survival" feel. As does the fact that enemies, on the normal difficulty (the only one available in demo) do such insignificant damage they feel more of an inconvenience than anything. I didn't even realise there was a block till I stumbled on it by accident and never had to use it. Oh, and the controls are rather badly explained, too. Like the fact that you can climb and crouch contextually. I spent ages running around because I thought I was limited to horizontal plane like most Unreal games. Speaking of Unreal, the game uses it well, it looks great and runs butter smooth. Aesthetically it was a little too close to dead Space for my liking, though the later section when you get outside provided a nice, if stereotypical, post-apocalyptic world vista. Also, before I forget, regenerating health in survival horror? Really? You can't really justify that, can you?
Another key gameplay feature is Tokaj's fear levels, which increase as he becomes more afraid, blurring and distorting your vision and affecting your performance. I really liked this, reminded me of Amnesia. The trailers have hinted at Tokaj's decaying mental state (a mechanic sadly absent from the demo) and I really hope there is a strong focus on this, and not just the more throwaway feel of Dead Space 2 where it was almost always painfully obvious what was real or not.
Afterfall sems to suffer from an identity crisis. The tone is very hit and miss, and throughout the demo, it really struggled to maintain a consistent atmosphere. It's not creepy or scary or anything really. The second section of the demo, which takes place later in the game, managed a great atmosphere, even when it opened up from the tight corridors into the outdoors, but a completely out of place "giant boss" and a lighter section where you drop a container on top of enemies really threw me, tone wise. Are you Alien or Aliens, Aftefall? You really need to decide. Are you trying to scare me, or giving me free reign to carve out justice in monster faces? I just don't know.
Afterfall's one real big let down is audio, the most crucial part of any horror experience. Hopefully these are all demo related bugs, but I experienced crackling, cut-out, bad mixing, bad-syncing and the music was way too quite throughout. On the subject of music, it's of surprisingly good quality, though it hardly has the necessary effect when it's so low in the mix. Ambient sound effects were mostly effective, the usual array of footsteps, moans and groans, but seemed to just trigger at random, or only before confrontation, lessening the tension. Voice acting is also incredibly hit and miss, though that is to be expected of a localised game. Or what I presume is dubbing. God, I hope it's dubbing. And that's all I have to say about that.
EDIT: It appears the audio problems were with my speakers, not the game. My points about the voice acting still remain, though.
As I said at the start, Afterfall's demo has left me concerned. With it's release mere weeks away, there is little time to fix some of the more glaring issues. Still, I did enjoy my time and for an indie game with triple-A ambition, it is surprisingly decent. I already preordered so I can only hope my concern is misplaced and the final product is a flawed but enjoyable experience. But seriously guys, what's with the giant boss battle? And the regenerating health? Just because some big triple-A guys jumped off the cliff, doesn't mean you have to. That is all.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Guest Review Time (ft. Cheryl Billman)
Yes that's right probably-imaginary readers, it's that time again. Time for someone with more balls and skills than me to tear apart movies no one in their right mind should have ever seen in the first place. So sit back and enjoy today's special:
I'm going to start out this review by saying that I'm reasonably confident the writer never really "wrote" this movie.
Instead, he dropped some serious fucking acid, started tripping balls, maybe did a few lines of coke and drank a bottle of wine to "calm the fuck down" and then sat in front of his tv, Macbook in his lap, and watched the Disney Channel for 34 hours straight until he could feel his feet again. At that point he probably collapsed into bed, woke up 12 hours later with no recollection of what had happened, ate a toasted sandwich and then stumbled across a fully type-written script with the words "Selena fucking Gomez in: 'Monte Carlo'" scrawled across the top.
To be honest with you, I need to cling to this belief. If I want to retain any faith in humanity, I need to believe that this is the only scenario in which movies like 'Monte Carlo' and 'Lizzie McQuire' could possibly spring forth, infecting the world (and tweens) with their shit morals and cringe-enducing monologues. I also need to believe that everyone involved in the making of this film became involved in exchange for mass quantities of strippers and blow. Even Selena fucking Gomez. (Apparently she has a drug problem now?)
'Monte Carlo' is the somewhat cautionary tale of a recent high school graduate/country bumpkin who wastes her life savings on a trip to Paris, despite the fact that she'll be starting at NYU in the fall. (Apparently no one has ever divulged the world's greatest secrets to her: Paris is somewhere you go with you partner, not your best friend, and New York is fucking expensive, so save your coin for a rainier day.) To be completely honest with you, this character isn't terribly memorable. I don't remember her name. What I do remember is that she was shoddily portrayed (by Selena fucking Gomez). She travels with her equally immemorable best friend (Katie Cassidy) and her step-sister, Meg (Leighton Meester) - the latter being the only character in the entire fucking movie with something sort of resembling dimension.
Selena fucking Gomez and her friends are having the worst vacation ever until it transpires that Selena fucking Gomez is a doppelganger for a bratty British celebutante. She is then mistaken for said celebutante, impersonates her socialite sister-from-another-mister, and goes on an all-expenses-paid trip to Monte Carlo full of girlish bonding, romance, and HELPING DISADVANTAGED EASTERN EUROPEAN CHILDREN.
The moral of the story - and I won't give away too much of the, erm, plot, here - is that fraud is ok and when you're caught there will be no legal ramifications... SO LONG AS YOU HELP THE CHILDREN.
And say your please's and thank you's. And provided you don't have sex before marriage (or at least "I love you"), you'll be ok.
Oh, Disney.
Oh, capitalism.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I sort of stopped paying attention halfway through the movie because the "plot" is very convuluted, and also I abhor cliche, so trying to keep up with the plot (and also keep my popcorn down) became too difficult. And I watched the Disney Channel growing up, so if there's one thing I know, it's this: The moment things get difficult, you should give up. It's not worth it. Instead, I stopped listening and started looking instead (another lesson Disney taught me) and couldn't help be struck by how pretty everything and everyone in this movie is. It's like looking into the fucking sun for a prolonged period of time.
It's like going back to university in your 30's.
Oh, you think our university's are inundated with mature-age students because they want to upskill? Fuck no. They're there to perv, and nurse the hope that they might still get some twenty-something tail.
Let me preface the remainder of this review by noting that I didn't expect much from this movie. I went into this with a heavy heart, knowing that unless the three female leads got naked and started touching each other inappropriately this movie was guaranteed to suck. I mean, let's face it: they managed to cram the entire movie's plot into the three-minute long trailer, so this is sure to be a saccharine sop-fest where the attractive female lead mopes around about how difficult her life has become and how hard it is to manage all of her self-created problems while her sassy friends encourage her to chase after an equally pretty, just as vapid lead male, as happens in every OTHER movie targeting the tween demographic.
Straight up fucking doomed.
Except in this case there's three female leads, and all of them are moping around like their fucking cycles are synchronised in some cruel, hellish twist of fate, and they're all chasing their pretty boy of choice and falling in love and making commitments to people they've just met and know nothing about like it's 1951 and nobody has casual sex anymore. YOU CAN HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH PEOPLE YOU'VE JUST MET. You don't need to run around saying "I love you" 58 minutes into the movie, LEIGHTON MEESTER.
And while I'm on the subject of the cast, let's really talk about it.
Talk about it in what context, you ask? Talk about the fact that it's a mortifying shit storm of lackluster talent. It's Amalgamated Talentless Hack Inc. It's a hurricane of fuckwittery. This is the kind of acting that even the most grizzly, seasoned high school drama teacher would flinch at.
I mean, there's Finn Hudson from Glee - you know, that dude who's getting kind of chubby and can't sing or dance but still got cast as the lead male in a show about singing and dancing - and a girl with a bit of a dodgy Texan accent who I think was in Gossip Girl for a bit who I don't actually hate but who has thighs that remind me of toothpicks, and Leighton Meester (who I would not hesitate to go lesbian for... not even for a second) and then, finally, Selena fucking Gomez.
As in, the girl who's dating Justin Bieber.
I don't trust her judgement in sexual (or "non-sexual", whatever) partners, and I sure as fuck don't trust her taste in scripts.
Whoever's behind this movie made a seriously fucking dubious casting choice picking Selena fucking Gomez as a vehicle for this behemoth of mediocrity over some other pre-packaged Disney starlet like, say, Taylor Swift. What I really don't understand - and this isn't even necessarily a huge plot point, but the mind STILL boggles - is why movie producers expect me to believe that Selena fucking Gomez could possibly be unpopular in high school.
Yes, faceless movie mogul - I truly believe that she was walking around her highschool's hallways, totally anonymous. I genuinely believe not once did she come up in the boy's locker room; absolutely no discussion about how they would not hesitate to stuff Selena's locker, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. About how nameless and faceless and alone and bookish and sad she was in high school. After all, she's no beauty queen. She's just "beautiful me".
I feel like the mere act of portraying Selena fucking Gomez as someone who isn't hot is more damaging to my self-esteem than the fact that someone who looks like Selena Gomez actually exists.
If Selena Gomez wasn't hot, she wouldn't be in this movie. That's the God's honest truth. Because after watching this shit for an hour and too many minutes, I can tell you with absolute certainty and unprecedented clarity that Selena fucking Gomez can't act for shit. There are so many scenes that are emotional in ways that shouldn't emotional; the kind that make you feel a little bit queasy just to watch them. Key lines include: "I'm sorry that I ever thought I was the kind of person who could come to Paris."
Bitch, you should be. 'Cause now I have to sit through a movie about it.
So I could have summed this movie up by saying it's poorly written and not terribly realistic, and some of the acting is pretty camp and they obviously spent a lot more time on the shitty soundtrack (heavily laden as it is with pop songs and weird 1980's French jazz music) than they did perfecting Selena fucking Gomez's "British" lilt. (Her accent in this is utterly fucking offensive.) But let's face it... I paid good money to sit through this abomination. I've earnt the right to complain about it to anyone who'll listen. (Or read, as it were.)
Instead, I'm going to sum this movie up by saying it's kind of like theme park food. It's like eating nothing but fairy floss and hot dogs all day long: it's bareable but a part of you is still pretty worried about whether or not you're going to have a heart attack and how little nutrition you've actually gained from your fare. You're not really hungry, but you feel like maybe you could eat something, and so you make the concious choice to chow down on a Churro because "fuck, I secretly really love Churro's" - just like "fuck, I secretly love chick flicks aimed at teenage girls..." - but when you're finished, it'll leave you feeling queasy and strangely empty.
It's like going home with a girl who's kind of slutty and won't stop nibbling your ear and shit in the middle of the bar, but then you pay for the cab and you get her home and you're keen to smash but you suddenly realise that she's a dead starfish. The sex that you would have with that girl is kind of what it feels like to sit in a theatre and watch this movie.
Don't go see this movie. Don't rent it on DVD. In fact, don't go see any movie/rent any DVD that stars anyone from this movie.
(Except Leighton Meester. I adore her. She's witty and darling. She has really dewy skin and shiny hair that curls perfectly and she's all doe-eyed, and I just want to crawl inside of her body and become her. I love her voice, too... it does things to me. And she speaks French in this movie.)
I give this a rating of 2.5/5. I'll probably watch this again some time when I'm hungover and it'll make me feel better about my life.
A Review of 'Monte Carlo'
or 'Lizzie McQuire 2: The Disney Channel's Revenge'
I'm going to start out this review by saying that I'm reasonably confident the writer never really "wrote" this movie.
Instead, he dropped some serious fucking acid, started tripping balls, maybe did a few lines of coke and drank a bottle of wine to "calm the fuck down" and then sat in front of his tv, Macbook in his lap, and watched the Disney Channel for 34 hours straight until he could feel his feet again. At that point he probably collapsed into bed, woke up 12 hours later with no recollection of what had happened, ate a toasted sandwich and then stumbled across a fully type-written script with the words "Selena fucking Gomez in: 'Monte Carlo'" scrawled across the top.
To be honest with you, I need to cling to this belief. If I want to retain any faith in humanity, I need to believe that this is the only scenario in which movies like 'Monte Carlo' and 'Lizzie McQuire' could possibly spring forth, infecting the world (and tweens) with their shit morals and cringe-enducing monologues. I also need to believe that everyone involved in the making of this film became involved in exchange for mass quantities of strippers and blow. Even Selena fucking Gomez. (Apparently she has a drug problem now?)
'Monte Carlo' is the somewhat cautionary tale of a recent high school graduate/country bumpkin who wastes her life savings on a trip to Paris, despite the fact that she'll be starting at NYU in the fall. (Apparently no one has ever divulged the world's greatest secrets to her: Paris is somewhere you go with you partner, not your best friend, and New York is fucking expensive, so save your coin for a rainier day.) To be completely honest with you, this character isn't terribly memorable. I don't remember her name. What I do remember is that she was shoddily portrayed (by Selena fucking Gomez). She travels with her equally immemorable best friend (Katie Cassidy) and her step-sister, Meg (Leighton Meester) - the latter being the only character in the entire fucking movie with something sort of resembling dimension.
Selena fucking Gomez and her friends are having the worst vacation ever until it transpires that Selena fucking Gomez is a doppelganger for a bratty British celebutante. She is then mistaken for said celebutante, impersonates her socialite sister-from-another-mister, and goes on an all-expenses-paid trip to Monte Carlo full of girlish bonding, romance, and HELPING DISADVANTAGED EASTERN EUROPEAN CHILDREN.
The moral of the story - and I won't give away too much of the, erm, plot, here - is that fraud is ok and when you're caught there will be no legal ramifications... SO LONG AS YOU HELP THE CHILDREN.
And say your please's and thank you's. And provided you don't have sex before marriage (or at least "I love you"), you'll be ok.
Oh, Disney.
Oh, capitalism.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I sort of stopped paying attention halfway through the movie because the "plot" is very convuluted, and also I abhor cliche, so trying to keep up with the plot (and also keep my popcorn down) became too difficult. And I watched the Disney Channel growing up, so if there's one thing I know, it's this: The moment things get difficult, you should give up. It's not worth it. Instead, I stopped listening and started looking instead (another lesson Disney taught me) and couldn't help be struck by how pretty everything and everyone in this movie is. It's like looking into the fucking sun for a prolonged period of time.
It's like going back to university in your 30's.
Oh, you think our university's are inundated with mature-age students because they want to upskill? Fuck no. They're there to perv, and nurse the hope that they might still get some twenty-something tail.
Let me preface the remainder of this review by noting that I didn't expect much from this movie. I went into this with a heavy heart, knowing that unless the three female leads got naked and started touching each other inappropriately this movie was guaranteed to suck. I mean, let's face it: they managed to cram the entire movie's plot into the three-minute long trailer, so this is sure to be a saccharine sop-fest where the attractive female lead mopes around about how difficult her life has become and how hard it is to manage all of her self-created problems while her sassy friends encourage her to chase after an equally pretty, just as vapid lead male, as happens in every OTHER movie targeting the tween demographic.
Straight up fucking doomed.
Except in this case there's three female leads, and all of them are moping around like their fucking cycles are synchronised in some cruel, hellish twist of fate, and they're all chasing their pretty boy of choice and falling in love and making commitments to people they've just met and know nothing about like it's 1951 and nobody has casual sex anymore. YOU CAN HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH PEOPLE YOU'VE JUST MET. You don't need to run around saying "I love you" 58 minutes into the movie, LEIGHTON MEESTER.
And while I'm on the subject of the cast, let's really talk about it.
Talk about it in what context, you ask? Talk about the fact that it's a mortifying shit storm of lackluster talent. It's Amalgamated Talentless Hack Inc. It's a hurricane of fuckwittery. This is the kind of acting that even the most grizzly, seasoned high school drama teacher would flinch at.
I mean, there's Finn Hudson from Glee - you know, that dude who's getting kind of chubby and can't sing or dance but still got cast as the lead male in a show about singing and dancing - and a girl with a bit of a dodgy Texan accent who I think was in Gossip Girl for a bit who I don't actually hate but who has thighs that remind me of toothpicks, and Leighton Meester (who I would not hesitate to go lesbian for... not even for a second) and then, finally, Selena fucking Gomez.
As in, the girl who's dating Justin Bieber.
I don't trust her judgement in sexual (or "non-sexual", whatever) partners, and I sure as fuck don't trust her taste in scripts.
Whoever's behind this movie made a seriously fucking dubious casting choice picking Selena fucking Gomez as a vehicle for this behemoth of mediocrity over some other pre-packaged Disney starlet like, say, Taylor Swift. What I really don't understand - and this isn't even necessarily a huge plot point, but the mind STILL boggles - is why movie producers expect me to believe that Selena fucking Gomez could possibly be unpopular in high school.
Yes, faceless movie mogul - I truly believe that she was walking around her highschool's hallways, totally anonymous. I genuinely believe not once did she come up in the boy's locker room; absolutely no discussion about how they would not hesitate to stuff Selena's locker, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. About how nameless and faceless and alone and bookish and sad she was in high school. After all, she's no beauty queen. She's just "beautiful me".
I feel like the mere act of portraying Selena fucking Gomez as someone who isn't hot is more damaging to my self-esteem than the fact that someone who looks like Selena Gomez actually exists.
If Selena Gomez wasn't hot, she wouldn't be in this movie. That's the God's honest truth. Because after watching this shit for an hour and too many minutes, I can tell you with absolute certainty and unprecedented clarity that Selena fucking Gomez can't act for shit. There are so many scenes that are emotional in ways that shouldn't emotional; the kind that make you feel a little bit queasy just to watch them. Key lines include: "I'm sorry that I ever thought I was the kind of person who could come to Paris."
Bitch, you should be. 'Cause now I have to sit through a movie about it.
So I could have summed this movie up by saying it's poorly written and not terribly realistic, and some of the acting is pretty camp and they obviously spent a lot more time on the shitty soundtrack (heavily laden as it is with pop songs and weird 1980's French jazz music) than they did perfecting Selena fucking Gomez's "British" lilt. (Her accent in this is utterly fucking offensive.) But let's face it... I paid good money to sit through this abomination. I've earnt the right to complain about it to anyone who'll listen. (Or read, as it were.)
Instead, I'm going to sum this movie up by saying it's kind of like theme park food. It's like eating nothing but fairy floss and hot dogs all day long: it's bareable but a part of you is still pretty worried about whether or not you're going to have a heart attack and how little nutrition you've actually gained from your fare. You're not really hungry, but you feel like maybe you could eat something, and so you make the concious choice to chow down on a Churro because "fuck, I secretly really love Churro's" - just like "fuck, I secretly love chick flicks aimed at teenage girls..." - but when you're finished, it'll leave you feeling queasy and strangely empty.
It's like going home with a girl who's kind of slutty and won't stop nibbling your ear and shit in the middle of the bar, but then you pay for the cab and you get her home and you're keen to smash but you suddenly realise that she's a dead starfish. The sex that you would have with that girl is kind of what it feels like to sit in a theatre and watch this movie.
Don't go see this movie. Don't rent it on DVD. In fact, don't go see any movie/rent any DVD that stars anyone from this movie.
(Except Leighton Meester. I adore her. She's witty and darling. She has really dewy skin and shiny hair that curls perfectly and she's all doe-eyed, and I just want to crawl inside of her body and become her. I love her voice, too... it does things to me. And she speaks French in this movie.)
I give this a rating of 2.5/5. I'll probably watch this again some time when I'm hungover and it'll make me feel better about my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)