Game of the Year 2011

The Nominees:

• The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Bethesda Games Studios
• The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings - CD Project RED
• Dark Souls - From Software
• Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception - Naughty Dog
• Catherine - Atlus
• Bastion - Supergiant Games

And the winner is:

Dark Souls

Whilst every game on this list is easily deserving of the title Game of the Year, there can only be one winner. To be honest, I'm probably as surprised as you are. But Dark Souls has sucked me in and thrilled me like no game I've ever played. No other game challenges you so deeply, but rewards you so strongly. You feel like you are growing with your character, and after hours of playing, you begin to feel like you are a part of this world. With a combat system that rewards skill and patience over blindly attacking, Dark Souls makes you feel like a true warrior as you study each enemies patterns and weaknesses, looking for the perfect time to strike. The real challenge of Dark Souls comes from having to be at the top of your game all the time whilst you are playing. Exploration is often greeted with swift death to the unwary traveller, and this can tax on you, the gamer, as much as it must tax on the protagonist. The game is tied together by an interesting a deep lore, revealed in tantalising chunks as much by the world around you as NPC interaction, which is few and fa between. The game relies on you, the player, to go out and work out how things work. A brief tutorial gets you used to the basic controls and mechanics, but most of what it teaches you you won't even realise you've learnt until much later on. The clever open world is linked by a series of hidden pathways and shortcuts, and each time you unlock one, you feel like you're having a real impact on the world around. Also incredibly unique is the clever and surprisingly fun and effective multiplayer. From glimpsing the phantoms of other players around you, to reading messages left in the ground, and even summoning or invading other players, Dark Souls' multiplayer helps you feel like you're not alone in this dark and unforgiving world. As the first friendly NPC stipulates, you are not the first Chosen Undead, nor will you be the last; but the journey is long and rewarding for those who have the strength of character to rise to the challenge. So congratulations, Dark Souls. The title of Game of the Year is unequivocally, and deservedly, yours.

I leave you with some trailers to enjoy:

2011 Game Awards Part 2

Smexy - best graphics
Nominees:

• Battlefield 3 - DICE (Frostbite 3)
• Cysis 2 - Crytek (CryEngine 3)
• The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings - CD Project RED (RED Engine)
• Hard Reset - Flying Wild Hog (Road Hog Engine)
• Bulletstorm - People Can Fly (Unreal 3)
• Dead Space 2 - Visceral Games (Visceral Engine)
• Portal 2 - Valve (Source Engine)
• Dark Souls - From Software (PhyreEngine) (PS3)
• Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception (Naughty Dog Engine 3.0) (PS3)
• Trine 2 - FrozenByte (Don't know, but it's pretty)
• RAGE - id (idteach 5)
• The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Bethesda (Creation Engine)

Whoo, boy. This is going to be a big one. I'll get through it in as few a words as possible. We start with the honourable mentions, as so:
Portal 2 - for proving you can push an ageing engine to new and beautiful places. Sure, it won't win any beauty contests, but it's like that woman you ask out cause you think she's twenty, but turns out she's thirty five.
Bulletstorm - for finally providing a colour other than brown to the Unreal Engine. Aren't colours wonderful?
There's been some incredibly pretty games this year, starting with Crysis 2. Running on the mindbogglingly pretty CryEngine 3, further optimisations meant it didn't take Jesus's desktop to run it. Sadly, before the Dx11 patch, PC gamers felt wrong, justifiably. With very little in the way of customisation, Crysis 2 loses for being a dodgy port and pretending it isn't. Dead Space 2 is gorgeous, too, and runs unbelievably smoothly. I get 60fps consistent with all settings maxed. Special mention for the incredible lighting. The Road Hog engine of Hard Reset has incredible lighting, too. Incredible everything, really, but suffers from poor optimisation. Even at lower settings I struggled to get a consistent frame rate above 30fps, which really messes with the fast paced action. While Dark Souls might not be the prettiest game, it has a better sense of aesthetics than nearly every game on this list .Sadly, it's limited by the hardware and suffers from some pretty noticeable frame rate drops at times. Uncharted 3 is sadly limited by the hardware, too, though you'd be hard pressed to find a better looking game on the system. A special mention again for Naughty Dog's thorough attention to detail, right down to the tiny ripples and footprints in the sand, which has to be a pain to animate. Trine 2, as I've mentioned twice before, is achingly beautiful, with varied locations, and bustling backgrounds. Sadly, the character design is a little unvaried and underdetailed, but it is by far one of the best looking games this year, and from a little indie studio, too. RAGE looked to stun with it's idtech 5 engine, but suffered from shocking bugs on release, rendering multiple copies completely unplayable, even to this day. Also the MegaTexture tech causes atrocious pop in. However, it has some of the best character animations I'v ever seen in a game. Skyrim's Creation Engine provides the greatest looking Elder Scrolls to date, but sadly, it's focus on consoles means it's running in Direct X 9, of all things, with no Direct X 10 or 11 support announced as of yet. Plagued by painfully low res textures, Skyrim disappointed a bit on the graphics front. However, the modders have been hard at work making Bethesda's game into what it should have been had the artists been given the freedom they so desperately need. That leaves only two. And in second place, we have:
Battlefield 3 - I'm sorry BF3. The Frostbite engine is truly a work of art, but between the lens flares, the dust clouds, the smoke, and god knows what else, you don't give me really that much of a chance to enjoy it. Still, it runs well and it's all but bug free.
And that leaves only The Witcher 2, hands down the most beautiful game ever created. Combining incredible hand crafted technology, with a wonderful aesthetic, The Witcher 2 proved that sometimes if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself. Even running at it's lowest settings, The Witcher 2 outclasses almost every other game released this year. Bravo, CD Project RED, you sure made one damn Smexy game.

Sing The Song, Vern - the best soundtrack
Nominees:

• Bastion - Darren Korb
• Uncharted 3 - Greg Edmonson
• Skyrim - Jeremy Soule
• Dark Souls - Motoi Sakuraba
• Catherine - Shoji Meguro
• Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword - Koji Kondo
• Portal 2 - Mike Morasky
• Witcher 2 - Adam Skorupa, Krzysztof Wierzynkiewicz

Every game mentioned on this list has a soundtrack so good I went out a bought a copy of it. Every one. Except Portal 2, which was released free. And Bastion, which I got a free download of through IGN Prime. I really, really struggled to pick a winner here, and I won't talk about each individually because nothing I say in words can match them, you have to listen for yourself. So I'll just say that I gave the award to Bastion, for weaving together music and game so well that if it had any other soundtrack, I believe the game would not work. If you can, find footage of Zia's Song, or the scene towards the end SPOILERS HUGE SPOILERS where you have to save Zulf from his own people and his song plays in the background END SPOILERS.

I Preferred the Book - best story
Nominees:

• Portal 2 - Eric Waplow, Jay PInkerton, Chet Faliszek
• Bastion - Greg Kasavian
• Dark Souls - From Software
• Uncharted 3 - Naughty Dog
• Catherine - Atlus
• Skyward Sword - Nintendo
• The Witcher 2 - Andrzej Sapkowski
• Crysis 2 - Richard K. Morgan
• Batman: Arkham City - Paul Dini
• Deus Ex: Human Revolutions - Eidos Montreal

Despite the strong movement towards it, great stories in video games are still few and far between. This award honours those games that bother to rise above the much and give me reason to play. Or even better, make me care. While games like Portal 2 and Dark Souls don't have much in the way of a story, it's how they tell it that makes it special. Both games provide the story in bite size chunks and let the player work it out for themselves, although Dark Souls is definitely the more vague of the two, which I love. It shows as much as it tells, which is a critical device that games so often fail to grasp. Although borrowing heavily from The Last Crusade, it's Uncharted 3's character studies that make it so interesting, especially it's de mystifying of Drake, revealing his arrogance and deceit and showing that he causes as much harm as good to those who would give anything for him, especially his old friend Sully. Skyward Sword represents the first time in the series history that it's scope for cinematic story telling and it's prowess and abilities have finally met, creating a fitting sequel to the 25 year franchise. Still could use voice acting though. Crysis 2's story was written by sci-fi author Richard K. Morgan and weaved a delicious tale of trans-humanism akin to Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Both cast you as the link between man and machine, and show you through the eyes of those your technology most threatens, although Deus Ex makes a much bigger moral grey area out of this. In the end they both fall short of really examining the issue though. Catherine should be applauded for finally showing there's more to mature than sex and violence, presenting a middle age man and his growing fear of commitment. All the craziness aside, it's really a metaphor for the fear of responsibility, of becoming a husband, a father, and adult. Vincent's character arc alone makes this a fascinating story. Arkham City did the right thing, yet again, by hiring writer Paul Dini, who wrote some of the greatest Batman: Animated Series episodes to craft a dense, lore-faithful, twisting and delicious web of intrigue for Batman to unravel. Helped along by a brilliant voice cast, if it wasn't for the over-saturation, Arkham City could have easily won this one. Bastion took a different approach to story telling, with a constant unreliable narration from "the stranger" following you wherever you went. But it was the conclusion that did it for me, ten gut-wrenching minutes and pure joy and sorrow. I cried like a little girl. I fell in love. I felt fear, hate, anger, I felt changed for the experience. And when Zia spoke for the first time, her voice as beautiful as the song she had sung when we first met, I realised I would do anything for her. That is how you tell a story. And so the award goes to Bastion, well deserved. However, some of you may have noticed I missed a game. Sadly, The Wicher 2 is based off a book already, so It's story was guaranteed to be extraordinary, which it is. But great story or not, it is not one written for the game, so it sadly cannot win the award. It is an incredible story though, filled with characters you care about, incredible settings, and enough political intrigue to impress the most avid Game of Thrones reader.

That leaves only one award. The Game of the Year. Who will take it? Tune in tomorrow, and find out:)

2011 Game Awards

This year has been an important one in gaming. A year full of sequels, prequels, reboots and some true gaming gems. While the triple- A titles have battled for supremacy, the indie developers have seized the opportunity to release some truly incredible games, and so we start off this "awards" ceremony with an award I like to call "The Underdog". Disclaimer - I am only including games that I myself have played. All awards are my own opinion, you are entitled to disagree to your heart's content. All games are PC unless otherwise specified.

The Underdog - best 'indie' game
Nominees:

• Bastion - Supergiant Games
• The Binding of Isaac - Edmund McMillen/Florian Himsl
• Trine 2 - Frozenbyte
• Hard Reset - Flying Wild Hog
• Hydrophobia: Prophecy - Dark Energy Digital

While I'm sure there are about a billion more 'indie' game released this year, these were the 5 I played that really stood out, and choosing between them has been nigh impossible. Hydrophobia: Prophecy, a re-released version of 2010's moderately successful Hydrophobia, impressed with it's visuals, impressive water physics and water-based puzzles, but was let down but an uninteresting story and weak shooting. The Binding of Isaac, by half of Super Meat Boy's Team Meat, was a real treat this year. A combination of retro-roguelike dungeon-crawling, with McMillen's dark, twisted sense of humour and top-down shooter style combat, it was ultimately Isaac's randomness that let it down. To much of the game relies on luck over skill and some bosses and enemies are unbalanced. Hard Reset, developed by developmental super-team Flying Wild Hog - a combination of People Can Fly, CD Project RED and City Interactive, snuck in this year. Announced mere weeks before it's release, Hard Reset impressed with a powerful, in-house game engine, old-school shooter sensibilities and impressive difficulty. It was ultimately let down by repetitive combat, cramped quarters and criminal under use of it's interesting cyber-punk, dystopian setting. The winner of this award ultimately came down to a coin toss between Trine 2 and Bastion, with Bastion winning in the end. Trine 2 is a truly gorgeous, remarkable 2.5D puzzle-platformer, with infinite personality and charm. And Claudia black, which is almost an instant win in my book. Sadly, it's let down by it's tacked-on combat but just ruins the flow of gameplay and only serves to distract from it's strength - the puzzles. Bastion, the almost flawless gem from first-time developers Supergiant Game, represents one of the best arguments for games as art since ICO or LIMBO. From it's unique narration mechanic, to it's wonderful art-style and divergent hack'n'slash gameplay, Bastion managed to present something truly unique. And it's ending remains one of the most beautiful, poignant moments I've ever experienced in a game. Not to mention the incredible soundtrack, masterfully weaved into the game world. No one could forget Zia's song, urging you; or Zulf's lament for a home and people destroyed by fear and arrogance. For creating an experience that stays with you long after you finish, and for exceeding above and beyond many of the triple-A titles this year, Bastion is the well deserved winner of The Underdog award for best 'indie' game.

Boom, Headshot - best shooter
Nominees:

• Crysis 2 - Crytek
• Bulletstorm - People Can Fly/Epic Games
• Deus Ex: Human Revolution - Eidos Montreal
• Battlefield 3 - DICE
• RAGE - id
• Saints Row: The Third - Volition

While this year has definitely been the shooter season, I ave grown tired of shooters, of both the First and Third-Person perspective and as such, have played very few. I cannot tell you whether MW3 beats BF3's face into the dirt, nor do  really care. There were really only two shooters this year that stood out for me high above the rest. The first is Crysis 2. Taking almost all of what made the first game fun, and mixing in an intriguing trans-humanism//alien-invasion story and changing the setting from jungle to New York, Crysis 2 further proved with Crytek is one of the most respected FPS developers. Sadly the experience was mired by too much linearity, glaring omission of a quicksave feature, dodgy enemy AI and atrocious PC support. While I refuse to contribute to the debate between console and PC, I still refuse to pay top-dollar for a dodgy port on my system - be it console port to PC, or PC port to console. Especially from a primarily PC-exclusive developer. DICE managed to avoid this problem, providing a mostly solid pC experience, but stuffing it up with the compulsory use of EA's Origin (a controversy all to itself), and the clumsy Battlelog system. The game itself disappointed with an atrocious single-player, and a surprisingly buggy multiplayer. Still, no one can deny that DICE still rules the online arena, if that is your thing, and the mix of vehicular and foot-soldier combat is still unique and thrilling. Bulletstorm had so much incredible potential - helmed by Painkiller's People Can Fly and a fuck-it-all attitude, Bulletstorm ultimately failed by relying to much on Epic Games. While it pushed the Unreal engine into incredible territories (it remains probably the best looking game on that engine), it felt too torn between two identities - the serious, machismo two-weapons cover-based Epic game, and the crazy, over-the-top humour and weapons People Can Fly game. RAGE stood out strong as well, helmed by the creators of the FPS, id. And while no on will deny how gorgeous idtech 5 is, it's bug laden release that saw a large majority of games on PC unplayable and McCormic's continual mocking and humiliation of the PC crowd stirred much controversy for the once kings of the genre. The game itself was good, maybe even great, with a fun combination of third-person vehicle racing and combat with first person shooting, and the ability to carry an infinite arsenal was a fun return to form, but overall, it felt to stuck in its old ways and played to similar to previous id games to really stand out. And while Eidos' Deus Ex delivered on nearly all it promised, it was ultimately the shooting that let it down. Weapons felt clumsy and underpowered, and the protagonist simply couldn't survive a gunfight with a half decent enemy. Throw in hopelessly outdated bossfights, and the 'shooter' part of Deus Ex is a disappointing offering. So the winner of the Boom, Headshot award for best shooter goes, unanimously, to Saints Row: The Third which brings the fun back into, not only shooters, but games in general. With the attitude of why be serious, when you can be fun, Volition gives the player access to a ridiculous arsenal, including laser-guided missiles, MegaMan's rocket blaster, a gun that shoots mind-controlling octopuses and many, many, many more.

Obligatory Dragon - best RPG
Nominees:

• The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Bethesda Game Studios
• The Witcher 2: Assassin of Kings - CD Project RED
• Dragon Age 2 - Bioware
• Dark Souls - From Software (PS3)
• Deus Ex: Human Revolution - Eidos Montreal

This has really been an RPG year for me, as anyone who knows me will tell you. It started off with Dragon Age 2. While most complained about the more streamlined approach of the sequel, I loved the characters, the story and the new fast-paced combat. I loved how my character now had a voice, I loved how if I was sarcastic in my conversation responses, it would alter my characters personality in uncontrolled conversation. I loved how it tied in with the first game, further building the mythology over many years. I loved how it treated relationships as more than just sex. I didn't enjoy the recycled locations. I didn't enjoy the uninteresting bossfights. Still, both Mark of the Assassin and Legacy provided further refinements and new characters and locations, hinting at just how incredible Dragon Age 3 might be. And please Bioware, for the love of God, bring back Tallis. Next, there was The Witcher 2. Seemingly lightyears above CD Project RED's previous Witcher game, which relied on Bioware's ageing engine and questionable combat mechanics, but still impressed with it's story, The Witcher 2 presented one of the greatest Action-RPG experiences ever. Moving into a third-person perspective, pulling you in close to truly marvel at CD Project's incredible RED Engine; The Witcher 2 drew you into it's world with it's visuals, tight, challenging combat, deep moral choices and a story that truly made you fee like you had an impact on the world around you. Every single mission, even the usual inconsequential fetch quests felt like an important part of the story and often left you in cloudy moral grey areas. Then there was Human Revolution, a prequel to the incredible Deus Ex, that did so much right, but somehow failed to capture what made the original so special. Still, it almost rivalled The Witcher 2 in it's deepness, and it's "play how you want" mechanics were refreshing. And of course, who could look past Skyrim, a game I'm still playing, 120 hours in. Improving just about everything over the previous entries, Skyrim provided just about the best open-dowhatyouwant-penandpaper RPG you can find. With innumerable quests and an epic, interesting main story line, Skyrim was all set to win this award, until I stumble into the true winner. And the surprise winner of the Obligatory Dragon, thus named as every single game on this list, bar Deus Ex, contains at least one - goes to Dark Souls. While I had played From's first dark-fantasy brutal action-RPG Demon's Souls, it had lost me with it's seemingly insurmountable difficulty. It broke me, it's fair to say. However, I loved the combat and the unique world it created, so when I was feeling like a break from Skyrim, I found a copy on sale at my local game store and threw it in. And despite the fact that it kicks my arse over and over again, I've fallen in love. Unexplainable, deep, immovable love. And so, Dark Souls is really the winner. Hands down.

Sandcastles in the Sand - best Sandbox
Nominees:

• Saints Row: The Third - Volition
• Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Bethesda
• RAGE - id
• Batman: Arkham City - Rocksteady
• Dark Souls - From Software
• LA: Noire - Team Bondi/Rockstar

There's also been a fair helping of Open-World or Sandbox style games this year, especially outside the usual RPG offerings. Out of all, Rage is probably the most criminally underused, with literally nothing to do outside the main towns except drive around and engage in vehicle combat. There's nothing to explore or discover that the main story won't take you to anyway. LA:Noire also felt like an necessary sandbox. It reminded me of Mafia, in that all the driving about the world sections could easily have been skipped entirely and there was literally nothing to find out there. Not even collectibles, for God's sake. Batman: Arkham City did much better, successfully expanding Batman from inside the Asylum grounds to inside an entire city, but suffered from the opposite problem of that there was just far too much too do. It missed Asylum's pacing and sense of progression, instead boggling the mind with an over-abundance of collectibles so it feels like you're never making any progress towards the final goal. I did enjoy how each criminal had a specific section and how it really felt like Gotham City, though. That was fantastic. And gliding around as Batman, stalking the rooftops, never really got old. Dark Souls proved you could have claustrophobia even in the most open of worlds, with fantastic level design through shortcuts and looping pathways, all linked by bonfires. It really succeeds at drawing you into the world and making it feel like a real place, and discovering new shortcuts and hidden secrets never gets old. Volition provides an almost endless amount of stuff to do in Saints Row, but the city itself is lifeless and uninteresting. I could drive through the same spot time and time again and not realise it. There's just no sense of place or interest in the world. In the end, the award goes deservedly to Skyrim, for crafting an incredibly huge world, and managing to fill it with over 150 hand crafted dungeons, secrets, quests, treasures and just incredible places to explore. Each place feel wondrous and amazing, even hours and hours in. And you never knew when you'll stumble on a dragon, or an interesting NPC, or a treasure chest. NO other game gives you so much reason to just go out and explore. Sandcastles in the Sand indeed, Bethesda.

The Call of the Wild - best adventure game
Nominees:

• Batman: Arkham City - Rocksteady  (PS3)
• Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception - Naughty Dog  (PS3)
• LA: Noire - Team Bondi (PS3)
• Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword - Nintendo (Wii)

I have to be honest, of the four nominees I have not played Skyward Sword. However, I ave watched my sister play it and look forward to playing it myself when she's done. It's seems to have improved and evolved far from Ocarina of Time's legacy and stands proud on it's own. Sadly, it still suffers from a lack of voice acting, lengthy, unskippable walls of texts and a lot of trekking back and forth. LA: Noire was one of the games I was most excited for this year. It seemed to combine my two big loves: Film Noire and detective fiction. However, what it presented was a disappointing mess of dodgy mechanics and hand holding. While the facial animation was indeed spectacular, the game was so rigidly linear they may as well have not used it. Batman: Arkham City was an almost flawless game, building on it's already beyond reproach debut and expanding the local and cast, truly pushing Batman, and the player, to their limit. The combat system was tweaked and perfected and flying around the city as Batman never gets old. Never has a company made the player fel so much like their character as the Arkham series has. Sadly, Arkham City suffered from an overstuffing of everything, to the point it became a complete overload. No one will deny it is an incredible and must play game, but it loses the sense of intense pacing and focus the first game had, instead giving us a Batman overload. So The Call of the Wild award goes, somewhat fittingly, to Uncharted 3, the crowning jewel in this incredible series. With incredible graphics, satisfying and diverse gameplay, and a story that took the characters to a dark and personal place, whilst also paying homage to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Uncharted 3 felt like Naughty Dog at the top of their game. Their astute eye for minute detail fills the entire game, it has a level of polish almost unseen these days. Not to mention an extraordinary performance by the voice cast, all at the top of their game, and a moving score by Greg Edmonson (of Firefly fame). If only every developer had the level of dedication and professionalism of Naughty Dog, imagine the calibre of games we would see.

Mind = Blown - best puzzle game
Nominees:

• Portal 2 - Valve
• Trine 2 - Frozenbyte
• Catherine - Atlus (PS3)

I kinda hate puzzle games. I'm really bad at them. So it's got to look damn good for me to even want to play it, and their were three games this year that did that for me. I spoke about Trine 2 earlier in the indie category and probably the only reason it isn't the winner here is because there's often too much getting in the way of puzzling, which is a mortal sin for a puzzle game. If I'm really struggling to wrap my head around a puzzle, the last thing I want is to be interrupted with dodgy combat. It doesn't do it often, but when it does, it drives me mad. However, the physics based puzzles are damn fun and mind-bending at times. The same with Portal 2, the follow up to Valve's surprise hit Portal. Released by a small team as a little filler on the Orange Box, Portal wowed with it's unique puzzles and, of course, GLaDOS. The sequel, developed by all of Valve this time, expanded on everything: more puzzles, more GLaDOS, more Steven Melchett, more comedy, more mind melt, more JK Simmons. And lemons. And Nolan North. Sadly, being a sequel, it didn't have the revelatory sense of originality of it's predecessor, and therefore could not snag the award from Catherine. Ah, Catherine. How you teased me, how you pained me, how you kicked me to the ground then kissed my wounds better. This is not a game you can describe in words the wonder of it. Part block-puzzler, part dating-sim, part fucked-up anime, Catherine truly is a sum of all its part. A frightfully original, devious, erotic, challenging and rewarding experience from Persona's Atlus, Catherine win's the Mind = Blown award - hands down. Seriously, play this damn game. Do it.

Afterfall: Insanity Gameplay Preview

I'm figuring by now, quite a few people have heard of this little indie action/horror game thanks to it's surprisingly clever "$1 pre-order" marketing scheme. I got a chance to play the demo today, and, to be honest, I'm a little concerned.

Insanity puts you in the shoes of Dr. Tokaj (pronounced tokay) a psychiatrist/pharmacologist. See, Afterfall takes place in an alternate present where a fusion bomb was detonated during WWII that all but obliterated human life, save a lucky few who were fortunate enough to be part of the "Afterfall" initiative, a secret Polish project involving the usual bomb shelter/vault/end of days who-ha. Seems all is not perfect within these shelters though, thanks to Containment Syndrome, a kind of "cabin fever", or maybe a virus. To be honest, the set up in the demo was really thin so I'm making a lot of conjecture here as the whole Containment Cyndrome thing plays pretty strongly into the overall mystery. So Tokaj is is the usual smart-ass, reckless yet roguishly charming hero whose troubles with authority land him in various vats of hot water. The most recent, being sent down into the sub-levels to investigate "behaviour problems" cause by a suspected "chemical leak". You quickly find out the "behavioural problems" is bigdogspeak for "bat-shit crazy" as your little scouting party is attacked by a bunch of, well, bat-shit crazy people. Here you get your first taste of Afterfall's combat, a hybrid melee/shooter, with a heavy focus on caving dudes skulls in with whatever you can get your hands on. Melee combat is satisfyingly heavy, especially with the bigger fireaxes and hammers and the like. Choosing a smaller weapon like a crowbar does less damage, but allows you to work in a  basic combo system. Deaths are satisfyingly gory as well. Combat is aided by a lock-on system that seemed to perform alright with one or two enemies at a time but became rather finicky when facing three or four. Better to just "spray and pay". Guns are sparse and suitably powerful but for the most part, in the demo at least, the focus seemed to be very much on getting up close and personal. Unfortunately, two problems arise here. Firstly, there is just way too many weapons available. Whether this is just a demo thing, I don't know, but there was at least one fireaxe in every room and no end to things that can be used to cave in skulls, which kind of weakens the "survival" feel. As does the fact that enemies, on the normal difficulty (the only one available in demo) do such insignificant damage they feel more of an inconvenience than anything. I didn't even realise there was a block till I stumbled on it by accident and never had to use it. Oh, and the controls are rather badly explained, too. Like the fact that you can climb and crouch contextually. I spent ages running around because I thought I was limited to horizontal plane like most Unreal games. Speaking of Unreal, the game uses it well, it looks great and runs butter smooth. Aesthetically it was a little too close to dead Space for my liking, though the later section when you get outside provided a nice, if stereotypical, post-apocalyptic world vista. Also, before I forget, regenerating health in survival horror? Really? You can't really justify that, can you?

Another key gameplay feature is Tokaj's fear levels, which increase as he becomes more afraid, blurring and distorting your vision and affecting your performance. I really liked this, reminded me of Amnesia. The trailers have hinted at Tokaj's decaying mental state (a mechanic sadly absent from the demo) and I really hope there is a strong focus on this, and not just the more throwaway feel of Dead Space 2 where it was almost always painfully obvious what was real or not.

Afterfall sems to suffer from an identity crisis. The tone is very hit and miss, and throughout the demo, it really struggled to maintain a consistent atmosphere. It's not creepy or scary or anything really. The second section of the demo, which takes place later in the game, managed a great atmosphere, even when it opened up from the tight corridors into the outdoors, but a completely out of place "giant boss" and a lighter section where you drop a container on top of enemies really threw me, tone wise. Are you Alien or Aliens, Aftefall? You really need to decide. Are you trying to scare me, or giving me free reign to carve out justice in monster faces? I just don't know.

Afterfall's one real big let down is audio, the most crucial part of any horror experience. Hopefully these are all demo related bugs, but I experienced crackling, cut-out, bad mixing, bad-syncing and the music was way too quite throughout. On the subject of music, it's of surprisingly good quality, though it hardly has the necessary effect when it's so low in the mix. Ambient sound effects were mostly effective, the usual array of footsteps, moans and groans, but seemed to just trigger at random, or only before confrontation, lessening the tension. Voice acting is also incredibly hit and miss, though that is to be expected of a localised game. Or what I presume is dubbing. God, I hope it's dubbing. And that's all I have to say about that.

EDIT: It appears the audio problems were with my speakers, not the game. My points about the voice acting still remain, though.

As I said at the start, Afterfall's demo has left me concerned. With it's release mere weeks away, there is little time to fix some of the more glaring issues. Still, I did enjoy my time and for an indie game with triple-A ambition, it is surprisingly decent. I already preordered so I can only hope my concern is misplaced and the final product is a flawed but enjoyable experience. But seriously guys, what's with the giant boss battle? And the regenerating health? Just because some big triple-A guys jumped off the cliff, doesn't mean you have to. That is all.

Guest Review Time (ft. Cheryl Billman)

Yes that's right probably-imaginary readers, it's that time again. Time for someone with more balls and skills than me to tear apart movies no one in their right mind should have ever seen in the first place. So sit back and enjoy today's special:

A Review of 'Monte Carlo'

or 'Lizzie McQuire 2: The Disney Channel's Revenge'

I'm going to start out this review by saying that I'm reasonably confident the writer never really "wrote" this movie. 

Instead, he dropped some serious fucking acid, started tripping balls, maybe did a few lines of coke and drank a bottle of wine to "calm the fuck down" and then sat in front of his tv, Macbook in his lap, and watched the Disney Channel for 34 hours straight until he could feel his feet again. At that point he probably collapsed into bed, woke up 12 hours later with no recollection of what had happened, ate a toasted sandwich and then stumbled across a fully type-written script with the words "Selena fucking Gomez in: 'Monte Carlo'" scrawled across the top.

To be honest with you, I need to cling to this belief. If I want to retain any faith in humanity, I need to believe that this is the only scenario in which movies like 'Monte Carlo' and 'Lizzie McQuire' could possibly spring forth, infecting the world (and tweens) with their shit morals and cringe-enducing monologues. I also need to believe that everyone involved in the making of this film became involved in exchange for mass quantities of strippers and blow. Even Selena fucking Gomez. (Apparently she has a drug problem now?)

'Monte Carlo' is the somewhat cautionary tale of a recent high school graduate/country bumpkin who wastes her life savings on a trip to Paris, despite the fact that she'll be starting at NYU in the fall. (Apparently no one has ever divulged the world's greatest secrets to her: Paris is somewhere you go with you partner, not your best friend, and New York is fucking expensive, so save your coin for a rainier day.) To be completely honest with you, this character isn't terribly memorable. I don't remember her name. What I do remember is that she was shoddily portrayed (by Selena fucking Gomez). She travels with her equally immemorable best friend (Katie Cassidy) and her step-sister, Meg (Leighton Meester) - the latter being the only character in the entire fucking movie with something sort of resembling dimension.

Selena fucking Gomez and her friends are having the worst vacation ever until it transpires that Selena fucking Gomez is a doppelganger for a bratty British celebutante. She is then mistaken for said celebutante, impersonates her socialite sister-from-another-mister, and goes on an all-expenses-paid trip to Monte Carlo full of girlish bonding, romance, and HELPING DISADVANTAGED EASTERN EUROPEAN CHILDREN.

The moral of the story - and I won't give away too much of the, erm, plot, here - is that fraud is ok and when you're caught there will be no legal ramifications... SO LONG AS YOU HELP THE CHILDREN.

And say your please's and thank you's. And provided you don't have sex before marriage (or at least "I love you"), you'll be ok.

Oh, Disney.

Oh, capitalism.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I sort of stopped paying attention halfway through the movie because the "plot" is very convuluted, and also I abhor cliche, so trying to keep up with the plot (and also keep my popcorn down) became too difficult. And I watched the Disney Channel growing up, so if there's one thing I know, it's this: The moment things get difficult, you should give up. It's not worth it. Instead, I stopped listening and started looking instead (another lesson Disney taught me) and couldn't help be struck by how pretty everything and everyone in this movie is. It's like looking into the fucking sun for a prolonged period of time. 

It's like going back to university in your 30's. 

Oh, you think our university's are inundated with mature-age students because they want to upskill? Fuck no. They're there to perv, and nurse the hope that they might still get some twenty-something tail.

Let me preface the remainder of this review by noting that I didn't expect much from this movie. I went into this with a heavy heart, knowing that unless the three female leads got naked and started touching each other inappropriately this movie was guaranteed to suck. I mean, let's face it: they managed to cram the entire movie's plot into the three-minute long trailer, so this is sure to be a saccharine sop-fest where the attractive female lead mopes around about how difficult her life has become and how hard it is to manage all of her self-created problems while her sassy friends encourage her to chase after an equally pretty, just as vapid lead male, as happens in every OTHER movie targeting the tween demographic.

Straight up fucking doomed. 

Except in this case there's three female leads, and all of them are moping around like their fucking cycles are synchronised in some cruel, hellish twist of fate, and they're all chasing their pretty boy of choice and falling in love and making commitments to people they've just met and know nothing about like it's 1951 and nobody has casual sex anymore. YOU CAN HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH PEOPLE YOU'VE JUST MET. You don't need to run around saying "I love you" 58 minutes into the movie, LEIGHTON MEESTER.

And while I'm on the subject of the cast, let's really talk about it. 

Talk about it in what context, you ask? Talk about the fact that it's a mortifying shit storm of lackluster talent. It's Amalgamated Talentless Hack Inc. It's a hurricane of fuckwittery. This is the kind of acting that even the most grizzly, seasoned high school drama teacher would flinch at.

I mean, there's Finn Hudson from Glee - you know, that dude who's getting kind of chubby and can't sing or dance but still got cast as the lead male in a show about singing and dancing - and a girl with a bit of a dodgy Texan accent who I think was in Gossip Girl for a bit who I don't actually hate but who has thighs that remind me of toothpicks, and Leighton Meester (who I would not hesitate to go lesbian for... not even for a second) and then, finally, Selena fucking Gomez. 

As in, the girl who's dating Justin Bieber. 

I don't trust her judgement in sexual (or "non-sexual", whatever) partners, and I sure as fuck don't trust her taste in scripts. 

Whoever's behind this movie made a seriously fucking dubious casting choice picking Selena fucking Gomez as a vehicle for this behemoth of mediocrity over some other pre-packaged Disney starlet like, say, Taylor Swift. What I really don't understand - and this isn't even necessarily a huge plot point, but the mind STILL boggles - is why movie producers expect me to believe that Selena fucking Gomez could possibly be unpopular in high school. 

Yes, faceless movie mogul - I truly believe that she was walking around her highschool's hallways, totally anonymous. I genuinely believe not once did she come up in the boy's locker room; absolutely no discussion about how they would not hesitate to stuff Selena's locker, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. About how nameless and faceless and alone and bookish and sad she was in high school. After all, she's no beauty queen. She's just "beautiful me". 

I feel like the mere act of portraying Selena fucking Gomez as someone who isn't hot is more damaging to my self-esteem than the fact that someone who looks like Selena Gomez actually exists. 

If Selena Gomez wasn't hot, she wouldn't be in this movie. That's the God's honest truth. Because after watching this shit for an hour and too many minutes, I can tell you with absolute certainty and unprecedented clarity that Selena fucking Gomez can't act for shit. There are so many scenes that are emotional in ways that shouldn't emotional; the kind that make you feel a little bit queasy just to watch them. Key lines include: "I'm sorry that I ever thought I was the kind of person who could come to Paris." 

Bitch, you should be. 'Cause now I have to sit through a movie about it.

So I could have summed this movie up by saying it's poorly written and not terribly realistic, and some of the acting is pretty camp and they obviously spent a lot more time on the shitty soundtrack (heavily laden as it is with pop songs and weird 1980's French jazz music) than they did perfecting Selena fucking Gomez's "British" lilt. (Her accent in this is utterly fucking offensive.) But let's face it... I paid good money to sit through this abomination. I've earnt the right to complain about it to anyone who'll listen. (Or read, as it were.)

Instead, I'm going to sum this movie up by saying it's kind of like theme park food. It's like eating nothing but fairy floss and hot dogs all day long: it's bareable but a part of you is still pretty worried about whether or not you're going to have a heart attack and how little nutrition you've actually gained from your fare. You're not really hungry, but you feel like maybe you could eat something, and so you make the concious choice to chow down on a Churro because "fuck, I secretly really love Churro's" - just like "fuck, I secretly love chick flicks aimed at teenage girls..." - but when you're finished, it'll leave you feeling queasy and strangely empty. 

It's like going home with a girl who's kind of slutty and won't stop nibbling your ear and shit in the middle of the bar, but then you pay for the cab and you get her home and you're keen to smash but you suddenly realise that she's a dead starfish. The sex that you would have with that girl is kind of what it feels like to sit in a theatre and watch this movie.

Don't go see this movie. Don't rent it on DVD. In fact, don't go see any movie/rent any DVD that stars anyone from this movie. 

(Except Leighton Meester. I adore her. She's witty and darling. She has really dewy skin and shiny hair that curls perfectly and she's all doe-eyed, and I just want to crawl inside of her body and become her. I love her voice, too... it does things to me. And she speaks French in this movie.)

I give this a rating of 2.5/5. I'll probably watch this again some time when I'm hungover and it'll make me feel better about my life.

Remembering Battlefield: Bad Company 2

Taking part in the Battlefield 3 beta has got me thinking lately about my time spent with Bad Company 2 and the affect it had on my gaming. Prior to Bad Company, I hadn't really ever been into multiplayer shooters, my twitch gaming skills were all but non-existent and I still am lucky to play most shooters on anything above normal. I had spent quite a bit of time with FEAR's multiplayer and enjoyed it, mainly thanks to getting together with an aussie group online that took me under their wing and taught me the ropes. Killzone 2 caught my attention with it's evolving objectives and less twitch based gaming, then really got it's hooks in me with it's class and team-based focus. It was my time spent with Killzone that convinced me that I should give Bad Company a try. I'd played Batlefield 2 before this and hadn't really gotten into it. I liked what it was trying to do, but found it hard to get into and glitchy. Still I went into Bad Company hopeful. Stagnant and awful single-player aside, I really enjoyed my time with the game. The multi-player was something I'd never experienced and I loved the different modes and focus on team work and objectives over K/D ratios and constant slaughter. I relished as a medic, raking in points healing and reviving my squad, as well as defending and completing objectives. Finally, here was a game that didn't care I couldn't shoot for shit and let me play it my way. And I got to experience some pretty incredible moments that I'd like to share now. All these happened within one game, made even more memorable as it's the last game I played of Bad Company 2.

The first was a kind of ridiculous death that could only happen in Battlefield. It occurred as I stepped outside a building after just single handedly securing the flag for my team. I was feeling pretty good as I'd been alive for close to ten minutes now and in that time had successfully defended two command points, shot a bunch of people in a helicopter and captured a flag. It was at this moment that I noticed a large shadow over my head. I looked up and was killed by a falling helicopter. I just about fell off my chair laughing. Sure, I was crushed that my great run had ended, but at the same time, some guy had just killed me by dropping a freaking helicopter on my head. How freaking awesome is that!? Shame it just counted as "you died" and whoever it was didn't get points, but I congratulated them of chat and much merriment ensued.

Not long after this, I was wandering through one of our captured bases on the way to the last flag the enemy held. This was on one of the largest, if not the largest Bad Company map, filled with vehicles galore. The air was filled with gunfire, screams and explosions, but it was relatively calm around here. I'd lost my squad earlier when they hopped in a tank and left without me, so I was sprinting across the map, hoping to get to the flag without dying or time running out. It was then that I noticed an enemy tank ahead, facing the wrong way. I quickly ran to a nearby stationary missile launcher and fired. The tank exploded beautifully and I smiled to myself, a smile that instantly vanished as another tank came tearing through the smoke and fire. My heart raced as the weapon slowly reloaded and I knew I was gone. It was then I noticed on the map a couple of green dots and an rpg flew from my right and hit the tank, buying me precious seconds of distraction. The tank wiped out whoever had rushed to my aid, but didn't survive my attack. I breathed a sigh of relief, only to be greeted by a third tank. this one was coming around my left side, clearly at the end but still gunning right for me. The gun reloaded painfully slowly ad the tank bore town on me, intent on running my stupid stunned arse over. Blissfully, the gun reloaded and I fired, just as the tank ran me over. He blew up. Revenge. And so ends the tale of when I took out three tanks by myself.

My final memory is a short one, and from a different, earlier match, but a particular favourite of mine. It was during a particularly intense game of Rush and mine team was getting it's arse kicked. The attackers had blownup all but our last M-COM station. I was running around laying out medkits and desperately reviving anyone I could find. I rounded the corner, only to run straight into an enemy rifle man. I panicked and without thinking to check what I was holding, I pressed fire. My character promptly slung a medkit at the guys face, who brushed it off (like a boss) and shot me dead. We both commented about the same time:
him: "did some idiot just throw a medkit at me?"
me: "I think I just tried to kill someone with a medkit."
Much merriment ensued.

So there's my few Bad Company stories. I'm sure there are many more and, as always, I look forward to hearing your own. I'm excited for BF3, even if the beta tarnished that with it's stupid Operation Metro, Caspian Sea has returned that feeling of Battlefield to me. Te levelling is fast, the rewards great, I like that the medic and assault classes have merged, the vehicles are fun, the map is huge and I'm already level 3 after a few games, which is awesome for me. I'm just hoping it can live up to everyone's expectations. What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below. As for me, it's time to hunt down that bastard who sniped me with a fucking pistol. Time to play "whack-a-noob".

Has Time Left Shadow of the Colossus Behind?

This is going to be a difficult and probably controversial article, but it's one I feel needs to be discussed. Before we begin, I'd just like to say that Shadow of the Colossus is one of my favourite games, an incredible work of art and experience. The first time I heard of it I spent months trying to hunt down a copy for my PS2, ended up paying close to 100 dollars on eBay for one. The experience was unmatched by anything I'd played before. The scope of the game, the sheer size and spectacle of the Colossi, the heart-breaking story and desolation, the relationship between boy and horse, everything blew me away. So when I found out Team Ico was releasing a HD collection, including Ico (which  hadn't played before because I couldn't find a copy), I pre-ordered straight away. But something strange happened when the game arrived. I fired up SotC and was instantly blown away by the loving detail it had been rendered in. The new textures, lighting and frame rate improves shone through, it felt like a true remastering of a classic. It was like someone had breathed a whole new life into it. And then I started to play the game and began to notice things. Little things. Things like the finicky and unresponsive horse controls, the camera that seems to exist in it's own world completely independent of your control, the ever increasing AI quirks, the unresponsive climbing controls. And ten I realised, with the spectacle of the Colossi removed, and the connection to the world and the story already experienced, what was left was a very flawed game. A very flawed, frustrating and often times very un-fun game. I was shocked. Had it always been like this, I wondered. Was I simply looking back on my experience with nostalgia glasses, forgetting all the frustrations and only remembering the good times, a la Uncharted 2? I can't honestly answer the question.Perhaps the quirk were always there, but the initial experience was enough to mask them. My sister is playing through the game for the first time alongside me and hasn't noticed any of the problems  have, so perhaps it is true. Perhaps time really has left Shadow of the Colossus behind. Now in o way am I calling into question SotC's quality. It is a truly incredible experience, and everyone should play the game once. But the thing is, it doesn't stand up to a second playthrough. I've had to stop playing, it's just too frustrating for me. The frustration is increased by the fact that I feel betrayed. I want to have as much fun as I had the first time, as much fun as my sister is having now. I want to relive the mystery, the grief as each colossus fell under your hand, the triumph, the heartache the spectacle, but I just can't. And that's a real shame. Have I just grown old and cynical? I honestly don't know, but I feel like a part of my childhood has died with this game. As my character desperately clings onto a colossi's head as it shakes it around violently for the tenth time in a row without break, a motion it will continue to repeat at least twice after I've fallen off without stabbing it once for the fifth or sixth time, I feel Wanda's pain. I get up, eject the disc, place it back in it's case and file it away, vowing to hold onto the memories of the good times, instead of weathering through the storm in the hope it gets better.

Alien Vs Ninja Review

If there's one thing I love, it's obscure films that sound like they'd be rubbish but actually surprise you. Alien Vs Ninja is one of these films. I'll be honest, I was drawn in right from the start by the title. It sounded so ridiculous it just had to be good. Written and directed by Japanese-born American Seiji Chiba, AvN tells the story of a small group of Iga ninja tasked with investigated a mysterious fireball that lands outside their village. However, they are attacked by a group of lightning-fast, hyper-deadly aliens that quickly slaughter all but a few of them. To be honest, there really isn't much of a story to be had here, as the title says, this is a movie about ninjas fighting aliens and little else. So ridiculous story aside, there's a lot of good to be found here. For one, the entire movie is filmed with an over-the-top anime sensibility and sense of humor, which, being a mad anime fan, really worked for me. This is the closest I've seen to a live action anime so far. So the "comedy" part of this movie is a definite plus. The other huge plus is the "action" part of the trifecta. The fight scenes are choreographed and filmed beautifully and skilfully, it's always easy to follow what's happening and Seiji expertly weaves the overthetop anime style and humour into some of the many fantastic action scenes. The only real let down is the aliens themselves. This is obviously a low budget film and it really shows in the creatures. They are all achieved by suits and the occasional CGI. The choice here is obvious, the suits allow better choreographed fight scenes, but the side effect is that the creatures don't look all that impressive or intimidating. It's also let down by cheap CGI and effects and bad use of lighting. But if you're like me and all you're looking for is a fun movie about ninjas fighting aliens, then this is definitely what you'll get. It's an A grade ninja movie wrapped up in a B grade monster flick, but that's ok with me. It's fun, gory, brutal, fast and funny, and it's ninjas fighting aliens. What else do you want, honestly?

Catherine Review

I'm going to admit something, before Catherine I had never heard of/played an Atlus game. I had heard the Persona series mentioned before, but long after I got rid of my PS2, so I chalked it off into the "missed opportunity" category along with a few FF games. However, I was hooked on Catherine from the very first screenshot and trailer. Hell, I pre-ordered the special edition as soon as it was announced, something I rarely ever do. So what was it about this game that caught my interest so and was my interest misplaced?

Trying to define Catherine is rather difficult. At it's core, it's a puzzle game, wrapped up in a dating sim rpg, tied together with an erotic/psycho horror story with a healthy dose of the supernatural. The entire game is presented as a japanese anime, with gorgeously animated cutscenes courtesy of Studio 4°C. Outside of the cutscenes, the entire game is done in a cell-shaded/anime style, creating a smooth transition between gameplay and cutscene. I feel especially sorry for the character animators, the japanese over-the-top anime style carries over from the cutscenes to the gameworld, creating some ridiculous facial and body expressions. So what is the story? You are Vincent Brooks, 32, slacker and man child. He's been dating his girlfriend Katherine, also 32 with long flowing hair and glasses, not attractive in the conventional sense but she certainly has a captivating allure. Vincent loves her dearly but is having trouble committing, and when Katherine begins dropping "hints" towards marriage and an unexpected pregnancy, Vincent's life begins to go to shit. After experiencing a bizarre nightmare, he then proceeds to have a drunken one night stand with Catherine, a young mysterious blonde bombshell. Thus begins a spiral into insanity as Vincent struggles to deal with the pressures of responsibility, faithfulness and maturity, all whilst trying to work out just why he is having these nightmares and who is trying to kill him. Atlus handles the story with a surprising maturity, even with the anime craziness exterior. A surpising amount of men could sympathise with Vincent's plight, despite every second word coming out of his mouth being completely the wrong one; though let's be honest, we've all been there. The intensity of the story is matched by the intensity of the nightmare stages. These crushingly difficult block-pulling sections get the heart rate and stress flying, pulling you violently into Vincent's shoes, making you feel his desperate fight for survival in this crazy world.

For those that don't know, I'm not a huge fan of puzzle games. Whilst I like to challenge my mind, I do not find them enjoyable, especially the hard ones and trust me when I say that Catherine is hard. Probably one of the hardest games I've played, easily matching wits with the likes of Witcher 2 or Demon's Souls. Catherine's saving grace, however, is that the difficulty is rarely unfair. All puzzles are solvable if you wrap your mind around it, and apart from some AI quirks and dodgy camera controls (I fucking hate static cameras), Catherine is always tough but fair. The puzzles constantly evolve, requiring more and more complex techniques and throwing in all sorts of traps and tricks to send you to your doom; slippery ice blocks, unmovable blocks, spike traps, mystery boxes and boxes that move on their own to name but a few. Oh, and did I mention the bottom of the tower is always falling away? So you better reach the top fast or it's game over. Thankfully, at least on easy, retries are plentiful and you can undo any mistakes you make. Switch it up to hard though, and suddenly the undo is gone and the retries vanish as fast as you find them. Thankfully, you can change difficulty between nightmares, but sadly not during. My advice, start on Easy. Seriously. Don't forget this is a Japanese game you're playing.

The other gameplay element is the "dating sim rpg". This is the daytime missions and basically involve drinking at the bar with your friends, talking to friends and strangers trying to piece together the mystery, and fielding texts from your increasingly concerned girlfriend and increasingly flirtatious mistress. Did I mention there's dirty pictures involved? The more Vincent drinks, the faster he is in the nightmare, so the alcohol flows freely. There is also an arcade game version of the block puzzles provided, giving you some welcome practise, though it would have been nice to have some different arcade games mixed in, maybe a fighting game (Atlus makes a fighting series whose name escapes me), just to break the repetition a little. All the time, Vincent and his actions are judged by a mysterious red and blue meter. After each stage, he is asked a simple binary question, which also affects this meter. This meter and Vincent's actions push him towards one of 8 endings. I really enjoyed the small online aspect of being able to see everyone's first time answers to the questions, some of them were really eyeopening. There's also competitive and co-op online modes, though I haven't tried these out yet.

I mentioned the gorgeous cutscenes earlier but they really deserve a repeat mention. Studio 4C is one of my favourite japanese animation studios, right up there with Ghibli and Production I.G and they really lend a lot of credibility to the story. The only complaint I have is that the audio in the cutscenes is mixed way louder than the gameplay sections, causing me to ride the volume nob quite violently at times throughout Catherine. On the subject of audio, the music and voice acting is top notch. The music is basically remixed versions of famous classical tunes and really matches the overall feel of the game. I kinda wish there was some option to get Japanese VO, just because I'm a stickler like that, but the english voice acting is great quality all around, avoiding the usual English dub pitfalls. The localisation is flawless, and if you didn't know otherwise you would swear it was a Western game.

So, how do you some up Catherine? In the end, I have to applaud it's originality. Atlus has given us something here that is truly, truly unique. It feels concise, thematically and visually everything ties together. The gameplay, while at times frustrating, is tempered b the driving need to see what happens next in the story, the gorgeous visuals and the driving soundtrack. This isn't a game for everyone, but it's a game everyone should play. And with 8 different endings, replayability is a must. So congrats, Atlus, for creating one of the first games I can truly call original in a long time. Aren't games wonderful creations? Stay Golden, everyone. *cue Japanese wave animation and fade out*

Darksiders Review

Ah, Darksiders. Vigil Games and THQ's oft-criticised "zelda-clone". Funny how that very criticism is what made me want to buy this game in the first place.

Darksiders tells the tale of War, one of the four horseman, who is tricked into starting the apocalypse early and sentenced to death by the omnipotent "Council". In order to clear his name, he returns to Earth to kill everyone who betrayed him and in the process uncovers a deep conspiracy frmo the lowest pits of hell to the highest peaks of heaven. The story in Darksiders is surprisingly deep and interesting, helped along by some great writing and brilliant voice acting. Mark Hamill leads his best Joker insanity to War's "keeper", The Watcher, a kind of Navi-esque character, but Navi after she's finally gone insane from listening to herself too long and has taken to whiping Link for shits and giggles. Outside of gaming regulars Phil LaMarr and Fred Tasciore, Liam O'Brien lends a haunting baritone to War and Moon Bloodgood provides a righteousness to Uriel that helps highlight the character's tragedy. Also pulling at the heartstrings and beating against your chest is the brilliant soundtrack, easily on par with God of War's epic blasts, but mixed with a tenderness often missing from action games.

And that's the thing, to classify Darksiders as an action game would be doing it an injustice. At it's heart, it is in adventure game very much in the vein of Ocarina of Time. At least at the beginning. War must travel to four dungeons, collecting items in each dungeon and fighting incredible bosses. However, later levels draw from more modern sources by giving you a portal gun and some very interesting portal based puzzles, including a portal based boss and mini-boss. The combat itself is similar to Zelda, you have one button to attack and a lock on, as well as three slots for items and one for a secondary weapon. You can change between weapons and items on the fly, building some easy and effective combos. My only real complaint about the combat is that there is too much of it, especially where it isn't needed. As the game progresses, they begin to throw wave after wave after wave after wave of enemies at you, often mixing in mini-bosses until you're almost numb and frustrated from the endless combat when you'd rather be doing something more fun like puzzle solving or platforming, both of which Darksiders does brilliantly. This is the best dungeon design I've seen since Ocarina of Time, hell, there's even an annoying water temple.

Darksiders may not be the prettiest game, in fact it's received a lot of flak for its graphics and art style, however I am a huge fan of both. I love the over-the-top character design, the burning reds and greens of the demons and against the bright whites and golds of the angelic horde. The graphics remind me of a graphic novel, although they aren't cell-shaded, just exagerrated almost to the point of carriacature. They won't be to everyone's liking, but they suited me just fine and really lent a sense of life to the world. There's also plenty of varied locations, which is good because, like any good "zelda" game, there's a lot of backtracking to be done as new items open up new areas. And there's a lot of hidden stuff to find and collect as well for huge rewards.

Darksiders is not a perfect game, and yes it does borrow heavily from other games, but it does well as its own game. It is fun, challenging and surpisingly deep and clever with a great story to keep you engaged, a well written soundtrack and powerful sound effects to draw you in, and at least 15-20 hours of gameplay. If you're a fan in any way of action-adventure-puzzle-dungeon-crawlers, then this is the game for you. A must play.

Darkiders is available on PS3, Xbox360 and PC. This review is of the PS3 version.

Dungeon Seige III - Gameplay Preview

Dungeon Seige III, featuring the appetising display of both Square Enix and Obsidian's name, is a game I had little intrest in. I had not played, nor heard of, the first two, and to be honest I've never been one for the dungeon crawler, Diablo style game. However, after seeing the free demo on Steam the other day, I figured, what the heck, I'll give it a whirl. The demo takes place at what I can guess is the start of the game. You can play as either Lucas, a sword-weilding hack and slasher, or Anaji, a mythical fire-weilding woman, who fights with fire and spear. Both characters are really fn, and the combat is pretty intuitive and easy to pick up. The character is either controlled by holding and draggin the right mouse, or the slightly more clumsy WASD. The camera is set at aclose or far isomentric, depending on you preferance. Combat is as simple as clicking, with the number keys used for special abilities and the space bar for blocking and rolling. Each character has two fighting stances, a fast syle for single foes, or a slower, group style. Switching between them is a simple as pressing Q and can be done at anytime in a split second. The rest of the game appears to be taken up by questing, exploring and looting, and while I can't say much for questing from the demo, there is definitely an abundance of loot that would please even the most Diablo-hardened gamer. The inventory system is simple, if nothing ground breaking, and items can be equipped, sold or "transmuted" into coin, fixing the commonplace rpg issue of what to do with all your loot when the nearest store is miles and miles away. On the graphics side, the game is surprisingly beautiful, and ran butter smooth at ultra settings on my laptop. The environments are gorgeous and really detailed, water effects and lighting are fantastic, and even the character models are surprisingly good for an isometric game. Sure they look a little funky in the cutscenes, but they are meant to be admired at a distance. This demo has really got me quite excited about this game, and if I have moved in with my friend at it's release, I'll probably buy it. If you're looking for a fun, if not ground-breaking, co-op loot collecting hack and slash dungeon crawler to tide you over until Diablo III, then this is the game for you. I recommend checking the demo out. Dungeon Seige is coming to the PC, Xbox 360 and PS3 on June 18.

Red Riding Hood Review - Guest Review by Cheryl Billman

A Review of Catherine Hardwicke’s Red Riding Hood
or, ‘Why I Hate Today’s Cinema’


There are probably those that would argue that Red Riding Hood is kind of like Twilight-meets-The Village-meets-Jack the Ripper-meets-The Crucible. Don’t listen to these people, they’re fucking idiots, and they’re making this film sound much better than it actually is.

LET’S GET SOMETHING STR8~
Red Riding Hood aka “The Worst Movie I Have Ever Forced Myself to Endure in Its Entirety” borrows aspects, plot twists, and (in some cases) actual dialogue from each of the aforementioned films, intertwines them and then loosely assembles them into a tour de force of poor taste via a weak and fundamentally flawed plot constituting 60% “mystery”, 30% "romance", and 10% "supernatural themes".

A part of me wants to say that Catherine Hardwicke, director of this “cinematic” shit-storm, intended to pay homage to all of the films mentioned in the introduction. The other, more intelligent half of my brain realizes that anyone who would dedicate time and money to this film without a shred of inhibition isn’t actually smart enough to pay homage to anything other than Taylor Lautner’s abs.

I can’t go much further without a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER:
The 830pm viewing of Red Riding Hood that I attended was practically deserted save for four young couples somewhere in their mid-20’s and five quite clucky middle-aged women who – and I can tell you this with confidence, because I was eavesdropping on the loud, indiscreet conversation they were having over the previews [as a side note: FUCK I HATE IT WHEN I DO THIS, AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO APPRECIATES THE SANCTITY OF MOVIE PREVIEWS] – had just moved to Brisbane from a small rural town. All were dedicated Twilight fans, and all but one suffered from perennial single-dom, but none among their number was astute enough to realize that both misfortunes were, in all likelihood, directly correlated to each other.

I mention the people who inhabited the cinema with me because I spent more time watching them than I did the actual screen. The couples were the most interesting to watch, because this “film” is built on the same foundation as every other "film" released in the past three years: a love triangle between three really ridiculously good-looking people who lack personality and are essentially undeserving of the love of another human being.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about all the films that have approached this angle in a self-aware manner and parlayed it into a film that is gritty and real. You're thinking that some films execute this theme in a refined, interesting manner. This film is not among that distinguished few. Hence, my prolonged people-watching session.

When the majesty of the cinematic experience proved elusive, I found solace watching young girls caught in the enthrall of a twisted romance, clutching at their boyfriend’s hand, while he stonily contemplated suicide and/or tried to focus as much of his energy and attention as possible on the popcorn sitting between them.

The German’s have a word for the delight I found in this simple act: Schadenfraude.

The movie itself is barely worth discussing. This is the tale of the fictional village of Daggerhorn which is plagued by a furry menace. For those who haven’t guessed, or who have just emerged from the blissful sanctuary of some isolated cave, away from the horrors of the 21st Century (see: ‘Whip My Hair’, ‘Hannah Montana: the Movie’ and ‘90210’ – the remake) and therefore don’t actually know how the fairytale goes: it's a wolf.

Or, in this case (and in keeping with the latest Hollywood trend): IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING WEREWOLF. A big, cuddly werewolf which looks like it was animated by a twelve year old with rudimentary knowledge of graphics generation for a school I.T. project.

In the first ten minutes, the viewer is thrown into the tepid romance that exists between village girl Valarie (Amanda Seyfried), the Little Red Riding Hood of this interpretation, who shall heretofore be known as “Photogenic Lead Female” and woodcutter Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), or “Brooding Lead Male”. The dynamic of this relationship is thrown somewhat off kilter by the fact that little chemistry exists between Seyfried and Fernandez, and watching their romantic scenes is sort of akin to watching two elderly drunks get into a slurred verbal sparring match. The sizzle between the two pretty leads is sorely missed and casts a shadow over the romantic development between their characters respectively, who have apparently known each other since childhood.

Side note: in her opening monologue, Valarie laments the fact that Peter can bring out the worst in her. One of the middle-aged Twilight fans all but swooned in her seat. I choked on my frozen Coke. Suffragettes rolled over in their graves.

Hardwicke is also quick to establish that a love triangle – DID YOU HEAR THAT? A love triangle; the most underutilized of all plot elements! – exists between Valarie, Peter, and another character named Henry (Michael Shanks), who I came to know as “Boring Nice Guy”. Henry is more conventionally attractive than Peter; he is also smarter, funnier, wealthier, and infinitely more respectful of Valarie than Peter is, and he has loved Valarie from afar for an indeterminate amount of time and for indeterminate reasons. Naturally, Valarie thinks he’s a douche and wants nothing to do with him – this film does come from the school of Twilight, after all.

The village goes stir-crazy following an unprovoked death and calls in a werewolf-hunting priest who makes the Spanish Inquisitors look like friendly Latter Day Saints popping ‘round for a chat on a Sunday afternoon. This bat-shit crazy son of a bitch, played by Gary Oldman, has a personal vendetta against anything and everything that goes bump in the night. I’m not going to recount the entire plot, because there isn’t a plot worth recounting - sitting through this sloppily-assembled estrogen-fest once was enough – other than to say that the rest of the movie details the mad scramble to identify who among the cast is actually the werewolf.

Credit where credit is due, Hardwicke did her best to manufacture something sort of like suspense throughout the course of the movie – she was even successful at one point, but I won’t ruin one of the movie’s few redeeming features for you by giving it away. The rest of her attempts, however, have the same sort of effect as a reality T.V. show elimination special: you can easily guess whose headed home based on whose furrowed brow or teary-eyed expression doesn’t get airtime right before the vote is announced.

For those of you who are being reluctantly dragged kicking and screaming into seeing of this film by a friend or romantic partner, I have little words of condolence. You may cling blindly to the hope that it will be visually stunning, or that the acting will be good or that it will have a dynamic and unique soundtrack, but I wouldn’t advise it. You’d just be setting yourself up for disappointment. Having suffered through Twilight and having quite enjoyed Lords of Dogtown, I had at least hoped for stunning landscape shots from Hardwicke, director of both projects. She let me down. I was left with the impression that this was a film shot on a historically inaccurate, shoddily-dressed set built with poor quality materials.

This was probably the worst film I’ve seen this year. That’s a tall claim for me to make, seeing as I habitually browse video stores looking for the worst conceivable titles and the most laughable plot synopsis’. The only way I can adequately describe how utterly terrible this film was is to say that, if I were a male who had been dragged out of my house to endure this heinous piece of cinematic fodder, I would expect reimbursement of the most serious kind. Before you let your girlfriend or friend subject you to this test of loyalty and dedication, make sure to arrange a prize for yourself if you manage to make it out alive. Gentlemen, if it’s too late for you, suggest a trade-off: reserve the right to blow your girlfriend off for video games at a time of your choosing, without complaint from her, because it's THAT bad.

If you let your friend drag you out to this film already, and you managed to make it through without slipping into a shallow coma, I really have no suggestion for you other than to recommend you bathe in the warm glow of the knowledge that you are a good friend and a person of strong will.

4/10. And that’s being generous.     

Verbal Diarhoea - Coming Soon

Just a quick update on what's been happening behind the scenes here. I'm working on a video series appropriately titled "Verbal Diarhoea", an animated rant/review show. The first episode is nearing completion. The vocals are recorded and mixed and the animation is being storyboarded by my sister, who's kindly lended her awesome art skills to the process. Expect an episode on youtube within two to three weeks. Also, a whole slew of reviews coming soon, I've been busy. Until then, TTFN.

The Top 5 Daria Episodes

Just a hold over until my new shows are up and running. Now, I am a huge Daria fan, I always loved the show and I got the entire Daria collection on DVD for Christmas, so it's pretty hard to pick 5, so I've gone through and picked basically the essential Dari episodes in my eyes. Thefunniest, the saddest, the ones that capture the characters the best. So here it is:

The Top 5 Daria Episodes

1. Daria! (Ep7, S3)

Daria! is my favourite episode for a great many reason. It's by far and large the funniest, it has all myfavourite quotes, I can basically recite the episode word for word, it's a musical(!), and it's the best episode to show anyone if you want them to know anything about the show as it is quintessential Daria and includes just about every character ever in Daria.

2. Boxing Daria (Ep13, S5)

Boxing Daria is the last official episode of Daria and also the most serious the show has ever been. A deep character study of Daria, her relationship with her parents and sister, and her troubled childhood. This episode resonates with me on a deep personal level as I went through a lot of things Daria did, as oblivious as she was to it all.

3. Jane's Addition (Ep13, S3)

Ah, Jane's Addition, thank you for introducing my favourite character, Tom, who shook up the Daria world for another two seasons and two movies. This episode also once and for all ends Daria's crush on Trent and includes the best quote out of Daria, ever, so beautifully and astutely summing up Daria's home life:

Helen (offscreen) - Meeting!
Jake (offscreen) - Golf!
Quinn (offscreen) - Date!
Daria - Sarcasm!

4. Dye, Dye, My Darling (Ep14, S4)

This was a tough choice, I was really torn between I Loathe a Parade and Dye, Dye, My Darling. Both are fantastic episodes for roughly the same reason, although I have sentimental attachment to I Loathe A Parade as it was the first Daria episode I ever saw. In the end, I ha to choose this one, which revolves around the building tension between Daria and Jane over Tom, culminating in one fateful scene that all but destroys their friendship.

5. Esteemers (Ep1, S1)

Esteemers is the best way a show could have started. Well written and interesting characters, snappy dialogue, and Mr. O'Neil's somewhat suspicious "Esteem" class. Check Daria's "psyche test" for some of the funniest moments in Daria, later given a bittersweet treatment in Boxing Daria.

Honourable mentions go to both movies, especially Is It Fall Yet?, which sees the characters develop in startling ways over summer break. Jane goes to art camp where she goes through a major identity crisis, Daria is forced into 'supervising' Mr O'Neil's ill-guide "OK to Cry Corral" and is chalenged by a traumatised kid and Quinn gets a tutor and begins to develop well beyond her shallow persona.

Sucker Punch Review

Wow, it's been awhile, possibly-fictitious readers. How have you been? Let's get right back into the thick of things with a train-of-thought review of Zack Snyder's new film, the ambiguously titled "Sucker Punch".

Sucker Punch is a fantasy/action/drama about a young woman whose mother dies, leaving her and her younger sister at the mercy of their surly step-dad, a priest with rather unconventional taste (wink wink, nudge nudge). Anyway, after getting tired of old 'Daddy', the lead character Baby Doll (Emily Browning), gives her step-dad the old what for involving his own handgun. Sadly, she's not the best of shots and only ends up busting a light and enraging her stepdad even more. Being a particularly crafty and evil stepdad, he calls the men in white, bribes an orderly and has the Baby Doll set up for a lobotomy in 5 days. Inside the insane asylum, we witness the fantasy world Baby Doll creates as part of guided therapy from the resident psychiatrist, played beautifully by Carla Gugino, who instructs the girls to create a world in which they are in control as a way of facing down their fears. In this world, Baby Doll is a dancer with four other girls at a brothel and she will lose her virginity in five days to a mysterious "High Roller". And then from this world, further fanasy worlds emerge as the girls 'quest' to find the items related to their eventual escape. The story is not perfect, there are plenty of plot holes, but it's nice to finally see a big budget movie that doesn't feelit has to pander to the bottom line. This is a very complex tale that you will have to analyse and view multiple times before you truly understand it. Even then, a lot is left open to interpretation. In a world where even Christopher Nolan feels the need to explain everything in painful detail (I'm looking at you Inception), this is a welcome change.

The acting is for the most part strong, Emil Browning and Carla Gugino definitely steal the show, but our own Abbie Cornish is brilliant as the sour and cynical Sweat Pea, Donnie Darko's Jena Malone gives a strong performance as Sweat Pea's feisty younger sister Rocket, and even Vanessa Hudgens surprises in the somewhat underused Blondie. The five girls hold their own very well against the older actors, which is a welcome sight as it's their story after all. Or is it? But I digress.

The movie is driven by a fantastic avante-garde, alt-rock grunge soundtrack, mainly remixes of older songs, including a killer version of Sweet Dreams and Bjork's Army of Me. These songs underpin not only the high action fantasy scenes, but some of the more powerful dramatic scenes. Emily Browning's haunting rendition of Sweet Dreams over the introductory scene is undeniably powerful. Speaking of powerful, the sound effects will rock your core. I'm not one to be bothered by loud noises, but even my ears were ringing after seeing this bad boy at the cinemas.

To sum up, well, this is a hard one to sum up. On one level, this is a brilliant drama and morality tale, at another it's a ballad of female enpowerment, ad at a whole other level it's a teenage wet dream of loud music, loud action, flashy special effects, video game references, hot chicks and giant samurai robots with chain guns. This movie is not going to appeal to everyone, you have to be willing to open your mind and absorb everything, but Zack Snyder should be heartily commended for not being afraid to make a film that so adamantly ignores the any conventions of so called modern blockbusters. This film is the modern equivalent of the musicals of old, except characters burst into wild action scenes instead of heartfelt songs. This is the future of rock operas, an erotic, psychotic, fantastic, mind-bending, surreal world where everything you see is false and everything you know is a lie. Zack Snyder, you remain the man.

Top Ten Family Animated Movies

In no particular order:

1. Shrek (1 and 2 are best, although all are worth watching)
2. Lion King (all of them)
3. Winnie the Pooh's Grand Adventure (Most watched movie from my childhood, saw it again recently and loved it just as much)
4. The Emperor's New Groove (Kronk, that's all I'm saying)
5. The Road to El Dorado (Hans Zimmer and Elton John's brilliant soundtrack over a touching and hilarious story)
6. Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (Anyone who doesn't cry at the end of this movie has a heart of stone. Beautiful animation, a great story and a brilliant and powerful soundtrack from Zimmer and Bryan Adams)
7. Any Hayao Miyazaki movie, at the very least Spirited Away or Howl's Moving Castle.
8. Chicken Run (It's Aardman at their finest. "I don't want to be a pie, I don't like gravy")
9. The Nightmare Before Christmas (Painstakingly stop-motion animated, Danny Elfman, Tim Burton, what else is their to say? Also, check out Corpse Bride. It's got Johnny Depp!)
10. Up! (The first five minutes of this film is the most beautiful movie I've ever seen. So is the rest.)

Please, all of you out there with children, there's so much rubbish these days, don't let these classics die (sure, Shrek might not be a classic yet, but give it a few years).

Honourable mentions:

Aristocats, 101 Dalmations, Hoodwinked, Kronk's New Groove (More Kronk!), The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Robots, Monsters, Inc., Tarzan, The Adventurers Down Under, Despicable Me

Think I've forgotten any? Disagree? Leave your comments!